This week is Hell

Nov. 28, 2000
I spoke too soon. I was not picked for jury duty. The nerve! Kidding of course. Not what I expected. About 90 of us were corralled into a large, plain room that resembled an airport terminal, complete with uncomfortable, connected seats and cold coffee. A disembodied voice bellowed out across the PA reading numbers of the chosen few. Everyone looked nervously at each other as the numbers were called. We probably looked like cattle en route to the slaughterhouse.

When I finally got called as a backup juror, it was for a medical case. I listened attentively as the lawyers shot down each potential juror. Some of them seemed quite relieved to be let go; others slightly insulted. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

To pass time I imagined the Devil being questioned by the lawyers for a jury spot. I think it would go something like this:

Lawyer: So, Mr. uh ... Satan is it? Have you ever been called to stand trial before?
Satan: Yes I have.

Lawyer: And how long ago was this?
Satan: Oh golly, I’d say... 10,000 years ago? Big trial. Entire universe was involved.

Lawyer: I see. Was this a civil case or criminal?
Satan: Crimes against humanity, so criminal, definitely.

Lawyer: Right, sure. Mr. Satan? [coughs briefly, adjusts lapels] This is going to be a trial about hospitals. Do you, or anyone you are related to, currently work at a hospital?
Satan: [examines fingernails] Me personally, no. But I probably know at least, I’m going on a limb here, 380,125,617 hospital employees. Worldwide. I do know someone who’s rather prominent in the whole birth/creation process. But we don’t speak much...

Lawyer: That’s great. Knowing so many people in hospitals, would this in any way, impede on your ability to make a fair and speedy decision?
Satan: I don’t imagine so, no.

Lawyer: Uh huh. My concern is the previous criminal trial you were involved in. Has this case been resolved?
Satan: Not exactly. It may resume again at the end of time but I haven’t been given a date yet. Until then I guess I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

Lawyer: Of course. Mr. Satan are you in any way affiliated with the defendant or witnesses?
Satan: Not them no... but I believe YOU are on my payroll.
Lawyer: [nervous cough] No further questions your honor.

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