Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. 8:00AM: Listen attentively. Take fastidious notes that would put a science reporter to shame.
2. 9:00AM: Tap chin with pen while slightly lifting brows to appear highly engrossed.
3. 10:00AM: Take a relaxed sidelong glance at the clock for no reason. Notice a thirst developing.
4. 10:15AM: Finally let out for a 15 minute break. Crack a joke about bladder control with coworker, grab another coffee and cringe when team leader says time’s up.
5. 11:38PM: Stare incessantly at clock waiting for lunch hour.
6. 12:00PM: Turn white-faced in horror when team leader announces that we should “really go till 12:30 to get through as much of this as possible before lunch.”
7. 12:36PM: Vow to murder the catering company who still hasn’t delivered lunch.
8. 12:41PM: Lunch arrives; cold. Promise to only maim the caterers out in the parking lot and leave them with a pronounced limp.
9. 2:00PM: Drowsiness sets in. Multiple attempts to prevent eyelid flutter. Unexpectedly interesting sentence snaps you out of it long enough to form a decent question.
10. 3:00PM: Momentary glance at cell phone. Silly Twitter messages break up boredom.
11. 4:00PM: Aha! Four already! In the homestretch now.
12. 4:10PM: Look back up at clock. How can it have only been 10 minutes? It should be 5:00 already.
13. 4:15PM: Frantic glance back at clock. Begin thinking of after work plans. Prepare excuse to leave right at five for a “previous engagement” since it’s too late in the day for the dental appointment excuse.
14. 4:16PM: Seriously? One minute? Calm yourself.
15. 4:22PM: Begin burning holes in the clock with your heat vision.
16. 4:37PM: Hey! It passed 4:30 and you didn’t even notice. Things should be wrapping up now.
17. 4:39PM: Any second now.
18. 4:41PM: Q&A? Dammit! Annoying coworker asks a two-part question to appear important. Apple polisher.
19. 4:45PM: Dismayed that answer is taking longer than you anticipated. Receive evil glares from coworkers.
20. 4:58PM: Finally! Begin packing up laptop only to hear annoying coworker ask one more question.
21. 5:10PM: Stare at coworker in horror as he asks more sub-questions.
22. 5:12PM: Stand up quickly as speaker finishes answering only to have boss ask everyone to go around and give their opinions and thank yous to the speaker before leaving.
23. 5:47PM: Faint.

My posting has been intermittent of late because work, while not intellectually challenging, is physically demanding and most nights I get home these days too tired to string together a coherent word spoken aloud, much less work the keyboard.

As an example of my sheer tiredness, the other day I got home, took off my pants to change into a pair of shorts and managed to get one sock off before I fell asleep on my bed. Yes, that’s right, pantless and semi-sockless. I am well aware of the image this presents. And now you must carry the image of a bearded wookie in one sock and boxers unconscious on a bed to your grave.

The reason for this tiredness is, as I hope you garnered from the title, because banquet season has begun.

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Crossing the casino floor (I’m legally prevented from saying which one by a NDA so profound I can’t even comment if it’s on this planet, let alone something as simple as it’s name) is like wandering through a menagerie of Darwinism (indeed, and participants in the Darwin Awards). Though the dude sucking back the eighteen pound hamburger pictured above has never hopped on his electrified fat-mobile and zoomed through the double-wide front doors to drop a few bucks before eating himself into a grease-coma, more than a few of our ‘guests’ (we don’t call them customers because apparently they feel better about being fist-fucked over impossible odds than if we called them ‘marks’, ‘shills’ and ‘rubes’) are surely competing with him for the last chicken-fried french fry.

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