1. The Good Wife’s Guide
2. A weight scale
3. The phone numbers of every stripper you’ve ever met
4. A porcupine
5. Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride Manual
6. A mustard sandwich
7. An extension cord, used
8. A box of rust
9. An ultimatum
10. What gifts would you shy away from giving?

Related posts:

1. Worst Gifts to Give Your Boyfriend or Husband
2. Worst “Secret Santa” gifts
3. Risky presents to give your in-laws

CANTO XIII: In most of the United States, when it’s time to renew your driver’s license, or get new tabs for your plates, you might go to the DMV (Dept. of Motor Vehicles). Not so in Michigan. We go to the Secretary of State—known to Dante Alighieri as the Fifth Circle of Hell. It is here that Phlegyas ushers wayward travelers to their rightful place: waiting in line for eternity among the wrathful. A soup kitchen queue for the Damned, if you will.

Should you be fortunate enough to have your number called out in under a decade, one of Lucifer’s infernal minions—known as a “state employee”—sizes you up and determines your fate. Most of us have only come to renew a drivers license, a matter these brutish she-demons take quite seriously.

They begin the torture by asking you several personal questions (height, weight, etc.) the answers of which are bellowed out for all to hear. This is meant to humiliate you as their cringe-worthy breath peels back several layers of epidermis from your face and neck.

The most intolerable part for me was watching her huge, warty meathooks curl their greasy talons around my proof of insurance. The resultant grease spot smelled of Cool Ranch Doritos and brimstone. The stain, I am led to believe, is Satan’s own Mark, signifying me as the proud owner of a new license.

Related posts:

1. To Hell and back
2. Hell hath no fury like a kitten scorned
3. My Private Hell

GIRL 1: “Um, I got him a tie, a video game and his-and-hers buttplugs.”
GIRL 2: ‘OMG! I bought Mike the same things!”

[From Natalie, overheard on the subway:] MAN: “Don’t those blow-up dolls come with orifices and shit?”

PERSON IN DELI: “Is this milk? It says it is. Is it?”

Related posts:

1. Overheard: People are stupid edition
2. Overheard: People are Stupid, IV
3. Overheard: Southern Belle Edition

300
Best. Movie. Evar.
Goddamned kids keep yelling out,
“Dude! This… is… SPARTAAAAAA!”

Beowulf
Did they really have
Hot chicks like Angelina
In ancient Denmark?

Spiderman 3
Wow, three criminals
That’s three times the excitement
And one third the plot.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Captain Jack is gone
Thankfully Keira has not
Gotten breast implants.

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny
Jack and Kyle rock out
But Ben Stiller’s cameo
Just sucks donkey balls.

Related posts:

1. Overused Movie Clichés #2
2. Have the movie theatre experience at home
3. Overused Movie Clichés #3: Hero Edition

1. Auto Ignore: Getting too many app requests? Not only will this app ignore all requests from your annoying so-called friends, it will simultaneously remove the app from their profile. Fun!
2. Great FunWall of China: Like FunWall, but with more restrictions. A lot more. It’s really not all that fun, come to think of it. Don’t bother installing it.
3. iHate: Face it. Your friends have shit taste in music and feel compelled to share it with you. Rating system allows you to mark marginally-talented fucking pathetic bands like Nickelback and Styx as the bottom feeders they truly are.
4. What Kind of Complete Asshole Are You?: Are you a complete asshole, or merely a fucktard? See how your friends have rated you, rate them, and post it for the entire world to see! Map feature allows you to post your friend’s profile pic over their home address on Google Maps, regardless of their privacy settings!
5. SuperPerv: Allows Facebook Beacon to publicly display the private purchases your friends make on eBay, Wicked Weasel, GoodVibes or Real Doll.
6. Nice Guys Finish Lunch: See what your friends had for lunch! Like you care!
7. SuperSuckr: Sick of joining Facebook apps the first day, only to find out your friends are 10,000,000,000 points ahead of you? Use SuperSuckr to subtract their points and add them to your profile. Illegal in every civilized nation.
8. Someone is Stalking You!: Three people are stalking you! Find out what they like and wear it in your pictures to drive them insane.
9. RockBook: Some of us are allergic to cats and hate walking dogs. That’s why we have pet rocks—the silent, loyal companion who never dies and never ruins the furniture. Use RockBook to find other rocks with similar interests. You can even stroke, polish or throw other rocks!
10. What Facebook apps would you like to see?

Related posts:

1. How you know you’ve been on Facebook too long
2. Little known facts about me.
3. Social Networks that Didn’t Work

Related posts:

1. Note to self: 4,812
2. Note to self: 5,069
3. Note to Self: 5,105

(Apologies if your RSS feeds got a post that isn’t there. It’s on the redesign site, which is now 99% done and working, so if you’re testing the new site, it’s there.) We now return you to your regularly scheduled humor.

Related posts:

1. 1,000 years of power!
2. Overheard: Southern Belle Edition
3. Note to Self, No. 5,605

Longtime readers know that the every year I post my resolutions and ask for yours. I like to make mine easily achievable. You know, aim low and finish the year having achieved all of them.

1. I resolve not to smear jelly on the face of my enemies.
2. I resolve not to run naked through the office when I don’t get my way. Anymore.
3. I resolve not to commit acts of genocide. Unless an island of spammers is found, in which case it’s open season!
4. I resolve not to run out of coffee.
5. I resolve not to be caught whistling Dixie. Ever.
6. I resolve to remember the Alamo.
7. I resolve not to break into song and dance during client meetings.
8. I resolve not to turn into a flying dolphin with heat-vision, seeking to steal the souls of those I deem unworthy to live.
9. I resolve not to kick my own ass.
10. What are your resolutions?

Related posts:

1. 2007 New Years Resolutions
2. 2005 New Year’s Resolutions
3. 2006 New Years Resolutions

After the chair debacle, Liz and I sat down in chairs from polite persons of less than great intelligence. An hour or so later, we saw someone else approach the rude genius from Channel 4. A portly woman, dressed rather like a peasant or Renaissance Festival employee. Being somewhat large, she was possessed of—to put it bluntly—a large rack. This is important to note for later on.

She carried on a long conversation with the genius and we rightfully ignored them. Suddenly Liz poked me. “Look at the freak couple. Now.” I turned to see the left breast of the woman had escaped its confines, seemingly unbeknownst to her. His eyes, however, were transfixed on the sidestepping sweater kitten. From the size of his pupils, which we could see from 3 meters away, it was clear he had never seen a bare breast before.

A draft from the door or the genius’ heat vision finally prompted the pendulous peasant to her situation and she quickly adjusted herself (she had a wraparound top). Liz and I sat in shock, trying to determine how anyone could not notice that their breast had gone on holiday. Not five minutes later, it happened again. And again. We tried to figure out the odds (and physics) of three wardrobe malfunctions within five minutes. We were unsuccessful.

What are your theories?

Related posts:

1. Note to self: 4,812
2. Note to self: 5,069
3. Note to Self: 5,105

I really need to take a camera with me every time I have coffee with my friend Liz. We see the best freaks. Tonight topped them. Ever go to a coffeehouse, it’s really crowded so you find an empty table with not enough chairs? Then you hunt around to see if anyone isn’t using all the chairs at their table? Well that.

So we got our drinks and Liz found a great table with no chairs. I spy a man sitting alone with an ancient, underpowered Mac laptop and walk over.

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Is it cool if I steal this chair?”
Him: “First of all, you need to learn that when you approach someone of great intelligence, deep in thought, such as myself, you need to slowly bring them back from their advanced thinking state before posing such an asinine question.”
Me: “Uh, OK. I’m sorry, may I please borrow this chair?”

So behind him is my friend Alfred, who stands up and says, “Take my chair, Dave.”
Me: “Thank you Alfred. That was very kind of you.”
Alfred: “No problem, Dave. It’s what any polite person would do.”

So then the freak starts in on me again.

Him: “And furthermore, if you would notice—” I wasn’t having any more of him.
Me: “I don’t care, asshole. There’s a good reason you’re sitting alone.”

Part II, tomorrow

Related posts:

1. Note to self: 4,812
2. Note to self: 5,069
3. Note to Self: 5,105