Is gravity increasing? Or is the photographer shrinking?

Seems to happen every time women cram together for a photo.

Gravity? Or shrinking photographer?

What Men Say vs. What Women Hear

When we describe ourselves as being, “Super athletic.”
You hear, “Flexes in front of the mirror. Every. Damn. Day.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A big guy.”
You hear, “A big, fat guy.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Quick-witted.”
You hear, “Lies quickly.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A traveler.”
You hear, “Cheats on the road.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A seasoned traveler.”
You hear, “Strippers across the country know him by name.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “In a band.”
You hear, “Cheats on the road, while high.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A burger and beer kind of guy.”
You hear, “Frequents Hooters.”

When we describe ourselves as, having “Refined tastes.”
You hear, “Disturbing fetishes.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A skirt chaser.”
You hear, “Upskirt camera perv.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A professional photographer.”
You hear, “About to ask if I’ve ever posed nude in T-minus 3… 2… 1.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A picky eater.”
You hear, “Gay.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Powerful.”
You hear, “Jealous. Dangerously so.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Relentless” or, “Tenacious.”
You hear, “Restraining order.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Studious.”
You hear, “Digs nerdy chicks.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “A comic book nerd.”
You hear, “Prefers animé girls to real ones.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Addicted to video games.”
You hear, “Prefers animated girls to real ones.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Very religious.”
You hear, “Future cult leader.”

When we describe ourselves as, “Non-chalant.”
You hear, “Gay.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “A loner.”
You hear, “I stockpile weapons and live in a cabin.”

When we describe ourselves as enjoying, “Simple pleasures.”
You hear, “Chronic masturbator.”

What Women Say vs. What Men Hear

When you describe yourself as being, “Svelte.”
We hear, “Bulimic.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Curvy.”
We hear, “Fat.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Buxom.”
We hear, “Morbidly obese.”

When you describe yourself as, “Creative.”
We hear, “Kinky.”

When you describe yourself as, “Having classic looks.”
We hear, “6/10.”

When you describe yourself as, having “European looks.”
We hear, “My nose could split logs.”

When you describe yourself as, “Sexy.”
We hear, “Puts out on first date.”

When you describe yourself as, “Having unique looks.”
We hear, “May frighten small children.”

When you describe yourself as, “A picky eater.”
We hear, “I will complain about anything and everything.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Breezy.”
We hear, “Unemployed, possibly homeless.”

When you describe yourself as, “A femme fatale.”
We hear, “I’m completely psychotic.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Lonely, but looking.”
We hear, “Desperate.”

When you describe yourself as being, “A real party girl!”
We hear, “My vagina can house an NBA team. And has!”

When you describe yourself as being, “Career-minded.”
We hear, “I like to shag on my desk.”

When you describe yourself as being, “A strong athlete.”
We hear, “A strong lesbian.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Honest.”
We hear, “Gullible.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Open minded.”
We hear, “Open relationship.”

When you describe yourself as, “Observant.”
We hear, “I will find all of your porn. And destroy it.”

When you describe yourself as being, “A Church-goer.”
We hear, “I will find all of your porn. And destroy it.”

When you describe yourself as, “Loving food.”
We hear, “Kirstie Alley.”

Relax, women. The opposite version comes out tomorrow.

Tourism Rule No. 23: Blend In

blend in

Call me picky, but this isn’t how one blends in when wandering about Detroit.

Things I Learned from Movies, Part III

  1. Bullets from heroes kill with one shot and in less than a second. Bullets from criminals maim, but if they do kill, it takes longer.
  2. Virginity protects you from serial killers.
  3. It only takes two people to turn a two ton fallen tree into a massive booby trap that operates by pulling a tiny wooden shim.
  4. Heroes’ handguns fire 70 shots and never miss. Criminals’ handguns fire six shots of questionable accuracy. They also ricochet more often than heroes.
  5. Heroes simply bleed less than criminals, who tend to bleed in arterial spray patterns resembling a Jackson Pollock painting.
  6. The first hot woman to appear onscreen in any spy movie is the double agent.
  7. All cars will explode into fireballs when rolling over a cliff or hill. It’s simple physics.
  8. Spaceships make lots of noise, despite the vacuum of space.
  9. Heat-seeking missiles turn on a dime. They’re more nimble in the air than a Ruby-Throated Hummingbird.
  10. What have you learned from movies?