Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. “I made this drink special for you. It has a unique, subtle flavor.”
   “I’ve added a toxic cleaning chemical to poison you. Can you guess what it is before the EMT arrives?”
2. “May I take this out of your way?”
   “You selfish bastard. You’re taking up a table for four by yourself during our dinner rush. I will continue to remove things until it soaks through your proto-hominid skull that you’re not wanted.”
3. “How is everything tasting?”
   “I don’t give a shit how my service is, so I won’t ask you about it.”
4. “Small, medium or large?”
   “Just choose the large, fat-ass.”
5. “Would you like to hear the specials?”
   “I just want 15 more seconds at your table to stare down your date’s blouse.”
6. “Is the house red, OK?”
   “Clearly, you couldn’t tell a Malbec from a Chianti if it bit you in the ass.”
7. “Sir, the men’s washroom is all the way down the stairs, turn right, then two lefts, through two more hallways and actually upstairs in the next building.”
   “I’m ensuring you’ll be lost for a good 20 minutes while I hit on your wife.”
8. “I can move this table out for you, if it’s too close to the wall.”
   “I can’t see how short your skirt is, otherwise.”
9. “Oh, so sorry I spilled wine on your nice, white shirt. Allow me to pay for the cleaning bill.”
   “Your wife’s breasts distracted me while I was pouring. And that’s a fine Malbec grape. Not that you would know. It will never come out. You’re basically fucked.”
10. “It’s a pungent bleu cheese with a … complicated flavor.”
    “It’s rubbish. No, literally. We dug it out of the back of our fridge, scraped off the fuzzy bits and gave it a bullshit French name so we could charge more for it.”

What terms have you learned from the waitstaff?

Last night, Chris Brogan, Amber Naslund, Lizz and myself were at one of those social media speaker suck-up dinners. We found the following ways to amuse ourselves during an otherwise stiff uneventful dinner party.

1. After they remove the salad plates, hide all flatware, placemats and napkins. Look longingly at the other place settings.
2. After receiving a new place setting, add all of your previous settings to this one or, as we did, give them all to one person and let them determine which of nine forks to use. When we did this, our waiter’s head literally did a loop like in a cartoon.
3. Change the names of the menu items very slightly. If waitstaff hear only a few recognizable syllables, they will generally bring you the correct item. We ordered the Creepy Sea Bass and Scared NY Strip. And for dessert? The Creme Brutale.
4. Ask for ketchup no matter what you’ve ordered. Especially in an upscale restaurant.
5. Find a way to use up all the ketchup and order more.

What ways can you think of to perplex waitstaff?