What ad writers say to each other in bed

What Ad Writers Say to Each Other in Bed

  1. Taste the rainbow!
  2. Just do it!
  3. Zoom Zoom!
  4. Think different.
  5. Finger-lickin’ good!
  6. Are you a Cadbury’s Fruit & Nut case?
  7. Clap on, clap off
  8. Wii would like to play
  9. Now you’re playing with power!
  10. Rip, slip, brush..Ahhh!
  11. Reach out and touch someone.
  12. We try harder.
  13. The quick picker upper.
  14. A little dab’ll do ya.
  15. Have it your way.
  16. Get N or get out
  17. Do you have the bunny inside?
  18. Let’s make things better
  19. Live in Your world, play in ours
  20. Neighbor’s envy, owner’s pride

Co-written by Chocolate Razor. This post originally appeared on Davezilla in 2008 but was ruined by spammers.

What Men Say vs. What Women Hear

When we describe ourselves as being, “Super athletic.”
You hear, “Flexes in front of the mirror. Every. Damn. Day.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A big guy.”
You hear, “A big, fat guy.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Quick-witted.”
You hear, “Lies quickly.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A traveler.”
You hear, “Cheats on the road.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A seasoned traveler.”
You hear, “Strippers across the country know him by name.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “In a band.”
You hear, “Cheats on the road, while high.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A burger and beer kind of guy.”
You hear, “Frequents Hooters.”

When we describe ourselves as, having “Refined tastes.”
You hear, “Disturbing fetishes.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A skirt chaser.”
You hear, “Upskirt camera perv.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A professional photographer.”
You hear, “About to ask if I’ve ever posed nude in T-minus 3… 2… 1.”

When we describe ourselves as, “A picky eater.”
You hear, “Gay.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Powerful.”
You hear, “Jealous. Dangerously so.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Relentless” or, “Tenacious.”
You hear, “Restraining order.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Studious.”
You hear, “Digs nerdy chicks.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “A comic book nerd.”
You hear, “Prefers animé girls to real ones.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Addicted to video games.”
You hear, “Prefers animated girls to real ones.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “Very religious.”
You hear, “Future cult leader.”

When we describe ourselves as, “Non-chalant.”
You hear, “Gay.”

When we describe ourselves as being, “A loner.”
You hear, “I stockpile weapons and live in a cabin.”

When we describe ourselves as enjoying, “Simple pleasures.”
You hear, “Chronic masturbator.”

What Women Say vs. What Men Hear

When you describe yourself as being, “Svelte.”
We hear, “Bulimic.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Curvy.”
We hear, “Fat.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Buxom.”
We hear, “Morbidly obese.”

When you describe yourself as, “Creative.”
We hear, “Kinky.”

When you describe yourself as, “Having classic looks.”
We hear, “6/10.”

When you describe yourself as, having “European looks.”
We hear, “My nose could split logs.”

When you describe yourself as, “Sexy.”
We hear, “Puts out on first date.”

When you describe yourself as, “Having unique looks.”
We hear, “May frighten small children.”

When you describe yourself as, “A picky eater.”
We hear, “I will complain about anything and everything.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Breezy.”
We hear, “Unemployed, possibly homeless.”

When you describe yourself as, “A femme fatale.”
We hear, “I’m completely psychotic.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Lonely, but looking.”
We hear, “Desperate.”

When you describe yourself as being, “A real party girl!”
We hear, “My vagina can house an NBA team. And has!”

When you describe yourself as being, “Career-minded.”
We hear, “I like to shag on my desk.”

When you describe yourself as being, “A strong athlete.”
We hear, “A strong lesbian.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Honest.”
We hear, “Gullible.”

When you describe yourself as being, “Open minded.”
We hear, “Open relationship.”

When you describe yourself as, “Observant.”
We hear, “I will find all of your porn. And destroy it.”

When you describe yourself as being, “A Church-goer.”
We hear, “I will find all of your porn. And destroy it.”

When you describe yourself as, “Loving food.”
We hear, “Kirstie Alley.”

Relax, women. The opposite version comes out tomorrow.

Sex on a Hot Tin Roof

I used to have a cat named Sex. I didn’t name it. My roommate Chris H. had the honors. He was inspired by a mutual friend, Kevin F. who had cats named Gravity and Reality. Chris’ rationale was it would be hilarious to yell “SEEEEEEEEX! Here Sex! Come on, pussy,” across the neighborhood. Consequently we found other amusing things about that name.

  1. “Don’t be afraid of Sex, unless she bites or scratches.”
  2. “Hey. Sex is waiting for you, outside that door. Right now.”
  3. “You hurt Sex!”
  4. “Haven’t you been paying any attention to Sex?”
  5. “Is Sex all you think about?”
  6. “How much does Sex weigh?”
  7. “I keep playing with Sex, but she just lays there.”
  8. “I saw Sex running through the house.”
  9. “There’s Sex on the walls.”
  10. “Sex was messy.”
  11. “Wow, there’s Sex toys everywhere.”
  12. “Sex is fast. She was here for only a minute.”
  13. “We got Sex from the Humane Society.”
  14. “Are you interesting in buying Sex?”
  15. “I am not playing with Sex until that poor pussy has had a trim.”
  16. “Having Sex really helps with our mouse infestation.”
  17. “I woke up early, looking for Sex all over the house.”
  18. “You want Sex? Try the litterbox.”
  19. “Don’t open that door! Sex will run away and never come back!”
  20. What would you have yelled to a cat named Sex?

Hey. We were 18.