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My easily attainable 2014 New Years Resolutions

I make resolutions with the bar set really low, so I can attain them.

  1. I resolve never to purchase a Perfect Polly™ this year. Or any year.
  2. I resolve not to eat my fellow travelers if we’re stranded in the Arctic.
  3. Expanding on that last one, I resolve not to go anywhere I could possibly fall into a canyon (alone) and be forced to saw off my own hand.
  4. I resolve not to defect to a Communist nation.
  5. I resolve not to use my spit to hold my daughter’s hair in place.
  6. I resolve not to punch a Great White Shark in the face.
  7. But I do resolve to throat-punch anyone who plays What Does Fox The Say in my vicinity.
  8. I resolve not to learn Hungarian this year.
  9. I resolve not to vote for Rob Ford.

2009 New Years Resolutions

As has been the custom on this site since 1994, I am posting my New Years Resolutions. I try to make mine easily attainable so I don’t get down on myself midway through the year.

  1. I resolve not to accept a Sloppy Joe from a Maori Cannibal
  2. I resolve not to incite our distant cousins—the Langurs—into an all-out revolt against their human overlords
  3. I resolve not to invent a beer called Stupid Douchebags Enjoying Time Off With Their Relatives
  4. I resolve not to watch any shows starring Howie Mandel, Rachel Ray or Abe Vigoda
  5. I resolve not to dress and act like a Drum Major in front of potential clients
  6. I resolve not to get a Tay Zonday tattoo
  7. I resolve not to dress like my pets
  8. I resolve not to grow vestigial limbs on my body
  9. I resolve to post more often in 2009 (for reals)
  10. What are your New Years Resolutions?

2008 New Years Resolutions

Longtime readers know that the every year I post my resolutions and ask for yours. I like to make mine easily achievable. You know, aim low and finish the year having achieved all of them.

  1. I resolve not to smear jelly on the face of my enemies.
  2. I resolve not to run naked through the office when I don’t get my way. Anymore.
  3. I resolve not to commit acts of genocide. Unless an island of spammers is found, in which case it’s open season!
  4. I resolve not to run out of coffee.
  5. I resolve not to be caught whistling Dixie. Ever.
  6. I resolve to remember the Alamo.
  7. I resolve not to break into song and dance during client meetings.
  8. I resolve not to turn into a flying dolphin with heat-vision, seeking to steal the souls of those I deem unworthy to live.
  9. I resolve not to kick my own ass.
  10. What are your resolutions?
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2007 New Years Resolutions

Longtime readers of this site will know that I always post my resolutions and that I try to only make resolutions I know I can keep. Such as not reverting to cannibalism. I’d love to hear yours.

  1. I resolve to freely give the finger to clowns, mimes and Hummer drivers
  2. I resolve to openly point out those who still wear miniskirts with Uggs or prison pants
  3. I resolve that I will never hunt down and/or kill a coworker
  4. I resolve to never appear on an episode of COPS
  5. I resolve to have ten fingers all year
  6. I resolve to have clothes on my back—and my front
  7. I resolve never to do pushups with my eyes
  8. I resolve to make it to May 13th and wear lots of black afterward
  9. I resolve to gnaw through the leather straps each morning with a smile on my face
  10. What did you resolve to do?
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2006 New Years Resolutions

Every year since this site began in 1995, I have posted my resolutions. To date, I am still not King of the World, Master of Time, Space and Depravity, but I am still trying.

  1. Continue on my yearly mission to find a cure for clowns and mimes
  2. Catering to my 15 year-old cat’s ever changing whims
  3. Discover a cure for skorts and gauchos
  4. Lobby for a Federal Bill to make wearing of mullets at the workplace a punishable crime
  5. Progressive cities like Toronto have declared it completely legal for women to go topless in public. Should a forward-thinking nation like America be left behind? I say nay!
  6. Write a lengthy dissertation proving once and for all, that bowling is a game, not a sport
  7. Declare winter illegal after Christmas, Hannukah or Kwanzah, whichever ends first
  8. Find ways to integrate bunnies and cheese into everyday conversations
  9. Drink more coffee
  10. Do share at least one of your resolutions with the rest of the class
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