I make resolutions with the bar set really low, so I can attain them. I resolve never to purchase a Perfect Polly™ this year. Or any year. I resolve not to eat my fellow travelers if we’re stranded in the Arctic. Expanding on that last one, I resolve not to go anywhere I could possibly fall into a canyon (alone) and be forced to saw off my own hand. I resolve not to defect to a Communist nation. I resolve not to use my spit to hold my daughter’s hair in place. I resolve not to punch a Great White Shark in the face. But I do resolve to throat-punch …..
As has been the custom on this site since 1994, I am posting my New Years Resolutions. I try to make mine easily attainable so I don’t get down on myself midway through the year. I resolve not to accept a Sloppy Joe from a Maori Cannibal I resolve not to incite our distant cousins—the Langurs—into an all-out revolt against their human overlords I resolve not to invent a beer called Stupid Douchebags Enjoying Time Off With Their Relatives I resolve not to watch any shows starring Howie Mandel, Rachel Ray or Abe Vigoda I resolve not to dress and act like a Drum Major in front of potential clients …..
Longtime readers know that the every year I post my resolutions and ask for yours. I like to make mine easily achievable. You know, aim low and finish the year having achieved all of them. I resolve not to smear jelly on the face of my enemies. I resolve not to run naked through the office when I donâ€™t get my way. Anymore. I resolve not to commit acts of genocide. Unless an island of spammers is found, in which case itâ€™s open season! I resolve not to run out of coffee. I resolve not to be caught whistling Dixie. Ever. I resolve to remember the Alamo. I resolve not …..