Tag Archives: Observations

dirty diapers

Parenting: What no one told me

So I became a father for the first time. At 49. I had pretty much given up the hope of having children, but then it happened. No, don’t congratulate me. It was easy. What wasn’t easy was sifting through the reams of advice you’re given from doctors, family, magazines, blogs, friends and complete strangers—yes the same strangers who feel compelled to feel up your wife’s belly like she was a prize Berkshire hog at a county fair.

Most of the advice a new parent gets seems to come from well-meaning, but childless adults who are disappointingly often dead right. Other parents? Off their bloody rockers.

There are many things I found out on my own that no one warned me about. You bastards. Thanks for hiding this from me.

Defying gravity

It’s true. Babies are able to poop upwards against gravity. I was under the impression that only the esophagus could do this through peristalsis. Boy, was I wrong. The sphincter of an infant is quite capable of rocketing poop straight up their shoulder blades. While fully clothed.

Now you know why they smile at us after they’ve pulled off a power squeeze.

The Gatling Gun

Babies like to kick when you change them and one’s natural tendency is to grab their tiny feet and pump their little legs back and forth. Resist, dear reader. You will release a stream of .50 calibre poo-nition. After mentioning this frightening fact to my father-in-law, he matter-of-factly replied, “Oh sure. All babies do that. It’s like a pump-action rifle.” Thanks for the heads-up.

Oh, is that new?

Babies can sense that you have on nice clothing the way bees can smell fear. If you’ve just put on something nice—especially something expensive and dark—your baby will promptly spit up roughly a quart of milk all over it. This will seem all the more unusual when you realIze she only drank six ounces of milk and you’ve just changed her diaper. No matter. Small babies produce spit up the way Pekingese dogs produce poop 11 times on a short walk around the block.

Delicious

Babies are rather like Mako sharks in that if you cut one open, you will find all manner of objects partially digested in their stomachs. Toys, cotton balls, tuna can lids, wood chips, hamsters—nothing is too perilous, scabrous or unsanitary for a baby to digest. It’s like babies have a death wish and choose to put the die in diet.

Banshees

Around nine months of age, babies find their voice. And by that I mean their screams are able to shatter champagne glasses, split eardrums, deafen bats and dry up cows. And it’s not a cry of pain. That remains a “reasonable” 90 decibels. No, this is an inexplicable cry that happens with no warning, and for no reason.

My daughter generally employs her boisterous battle cry a few seconds after a good meal and prior to having her bib removed. I have no idea why she does this and I wish I could remember to brace my ears for this nightly assault on my senses. But I’m stupid, so I expect to be fully deaf by March 9, 2015.

“Do the chickens have large talons?”

The three most efficient cutting tools in the world are as follows:

  1. Lasers
  2. Diamond blades
  3. Baby fingernails

Being scratched by an infant’s fingernails requires an immediate call to an EMT. I’m not kidding.

First off, their nails are sharper than anything you can imagine. Secondly, the clippers made to trim baby nails are not worth a damn. Thirdly, they have a Shaolin-like ability for striking sensitive, high-damage zones such as major arteries, eyes, genitals or nasal passages.

The latter is my daughter’s specialty. A simple nose-honk becomes a death-grip on my nasal cartilage, her nails digging ever deeper until she draws blood. Then she adds insult to injury by giggling.

And spitting up.

The Fifth Circle of Hell

CANTO XIII: In most of the United States, when it’s time to renew your driver’s license, or get new tabs for your plates, you might go to the DMV (Dept. of Motor Vehicles). Not so in Michigan. We go to the Secretary of State—known to Dante Alighieri as the Fifth Circle of Hell. It is here that Phlegyas ushers wayward travelers to their rightful place: waiting in line for eternity among the wrathful. A soup kitchen queue for the Damned, if you will.

Should you be fortunate enough to have your number called out in under a decade, one of Lucifer’s infernal minions—known as a “state employee”—sizes you up and determines your fate. Most of us have only come to renew a drivers license, a matter these brutish she-demons take quite seriously.

They begin the torture by asking you several personal questions (height, weight, etc.) the answers of which are bellowed out for all to hear. This is meant to humiliate you as their cringe-worthy breath peels back several layers of epidermis from your face and neck.

The most intolerable part for me was watching her huge, warty meathooks curl their greasy talons around my proof of insurance. The resultant grease spot smelled of Cool Ranch Doritos and brimstone. The stain, I am led to believe, is Satan’s own Mark, signifying me as the proud owner of a new license.

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Overheard: People are fuh-reaks edition

GIRL 1: “Um, I got him a tie, a video game and his-and-hers buttplugs.”
GIRL 2: ‘OMG! I bought Mike the same things!”

[From Natalie, overheard on the subway:] MAN: “Don’t those blow-up dolls come with orifices and shit?”

PERSON IN DELI: “Is this milk? It says it is. Is it?”

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Movie Reviews in Haiku

300
Best. Movie. Evar.
Goddamned kids keep yelling out,
“Dude! This… is… SPARTAAAAAA!”

Beowulf
Did they really have
Hot chicks like Angelina
In ancient Denmark?

Spiderman 3
Wow, three criminals
That’s three times the excitement
And one third the plot.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Captain Jack is gone
Thankfully Keira has not
Gotten breast implants.

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny
Jack and Kyle rock out
But Ben Stiller’s cameo
Just sucks donkey balls.

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Facebook apps I want to see

  1. Auto Ignore: Getting too many app requests? Not only will this app ignore all requests from your annoying so-called friends, it will simultaneously remove the app from their profile. Fun!
  2. Great FunWall of China: Like FunWall, but with more restrictions. A lot more. It’s really not all that fun, come to think of it. Don’t bother installing it.
  3. iHate: Face it. Your friends have shit taste in music and feel compelled to share it with you. Rating system allows you to mark marginally-talented fucking pathetic bands like Nickelback and Styx as the bottom feeders they truly are.
  4. What Kind of Complete Asshole Are You?: Are you a complete asshole, or merely a fucktard? See how your friends have rated you, rate them, and post it for the entire world to see! Map feature allows you to post your friend’s profile pic over their home address on Google Maps, regardless of their privacy settings!
  5. SuperPerv: Allows Facebook Beacon to publicly display the private purchases your friends make on eBay, Wicked Weasel, GoodVibes or Real Doll.
  6. Nice Guys Finish Lunch: See what your friends had for lunch! Like you care!
  7. SuperSuckr: Sick of joining Facebook apps the first day, only to find out your friends are 10,000,000,000 points ahead of you? Use SuperSuckr to subtract their points and add them to your profile. Illegal in every civilized nation.
  8. Someone is Stalking You!: Three people are stalking you! Find out what they like and wear it in your pictures to drive them insane.
  9. RockBook: Some of us are allergic to cats and hate walking dogs. That’s why we have pet rocks—the silent, loyal companion who never dies and never ruins the furniture. Use RockBook to find other rocks with similar interests. You can even stroke, polish or throw other rocks!
  10. What Facebook apps would you like to see?
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Ameriker

(Apologies if your RSS feeds got a post that isn’t there. It’s on the redesign site, which is now 99% done and working, so if you’re testing the new site, it’s there.) We now return you to your regularly scheduled humor.

Ameriker

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2008 New Years Resolutions

Longtime readers know that the every year I post my resolutions and ask for yours. I like to make mine easily achievable. You know, aim low and finish the year having achieved all of them.

  1. I resolve not to smear jelly on the face of my enemies.
  2. I resolve not to run naked through the office when I don’t get my way. Anymore.
  3. I resolve not to commit acts of genocide. Unless an island of spammers is found, in which case it’s open season!
  4. I resolve not to run out of coffee.
  5. I resolve not to be caught whistling Dixie. Ever.
  6. I resolve to remember the Alamo.
  7. I resolve not to break into song and dance during client meetings.
  8. I resolve not to turn into a flying dolphin with heat-vision, seeking to steal the souls of those I deem unworthy to live.
  9. I resolve not to kick my own ass.
  10. What are your resolutions?
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