Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

The next time I spill pasta sauce on the expensive pair of white jeans Natalie bought me, be sure to remove the wallet before soaking them overnight in hot water.

1. The probability of spilling coffee on an expensive, white shirt is determined by a ratio of the cost of the shirt versus the importance of the executives you have meetings with that day.
2. Do not assume the 401 Hwy will be accident-free on a Friday night. It took 3-1/2 hours to drive 8 km last night.

1. There is a finite limit to the amount of bluing that can be applied to a load of whites
2. No matter how good it seems at the time, consuming three brownies and a Coke in rapid succession before a meeting is really not a good idea
3. When you visit Natalie this weekend, your shoes will be vomited on by the cat. There is no escaping this inevitability, as she will find them and can pick locks
4. Michigan roads can suck it. Just blew out two tires this morning on my way to the airport

No matter how good an idea it may seem at the time, do not reheat grilled cheese in the microwave oven at work more than once.

1. Do not accidentally click on the iDVD button while looking at photos in iPhoto. All 4,000+ photos will try to load themselves into a movie clip at the same time, and that’s just wrong.
2. No matter how tempting, do not tickle cat when her rear claws are positioned above your scrotum. Seriously.
3. If it looks like it will topple off the shelf onto your head, it will.
4. For the love of God, stop eating white cheese before bedtime. It makes you dream Natalie is turning into a pink goblin or a yodeling finger monkey.