Note to Self, No. 6,619

In retrospect it was probably not the best idea to eat Blair’s Death Rain XXX Hot Habanero Chips minutes before a meeting with the executives.

Note to Self, No. 7,014

No more radiators!

No matter how nice it looks, the next time we paint a room, we are not painting the bloody radiators.

Note to Self, No. 6,502

Find a way to change our appearance. This year, I was told no less than 19 times to “Have a safe 4th of July,” indicating that I somehow resemble the Latchkey, redneck children that seem to lose useful parts of their anatomy each July by securing coal mine explosives in their teeth or in the rectum of the neighbor’s dog while yelling, “Hey fellers! Lookit this!”

Notes to Self: No. 6,322

Remember: cats with claws + goosedown comforters = a big, honkin’ mess to sweep up.

Notes to Self: No. 6,304

The next time you spill coffee on your expensive Irish cableknit sweater, do not use a red Christmas nakpin to mop it up. Now it has a permanent, red smear covering the permanent, brown coffee stain.