Guide to Artists’ Models No. 6: The Dribbler

The Dribbler

Nude Model: The Dribbler

Despite his brutish, troll-like appearance, the Dribbler is an excellent model, able to hold unchallenging poses for an hour without tiring. Yes, he has more body odor and hair than a Musk Ox. Yes, he has 5:00 shadow by 9:15 am. These are all excusable and minor in comparison to the trait that gave him his nickname.

You see, unlike the Closet Perv, who gets off on being naked in front of young women, the Dribbler takes his work seriously and with great dedication. If only his body had the same attention span that his brain had. His second brain has a leak.

Not pee. Pre-cum.

Spidery threads of it can be seen dripping from his penis and puddling on the floor at his feet. The women in the class notice it well before the men do, but their incessant giggling soon catches everyone’s attention — including the Dribbler’s, who sadly excuses himself amidst a chorus of ego-shattering female laughter.

Quotes:

  1. “Does anyone… have a mop? Paper towel?”
  2. “I think we’ll just call it a night, OK?”
  3. “My penis … isn’t that small, is it?”
  4. “Am I really that hairy?”
  5. “Where’s that mop, seriously?”
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Guide to Artists’ Models No. 5: Former Fashion Model

The Former Fashion Model

Nude Model: The Former Fashion Model
At first glance, the first year art student may assume the professor had brought a cadaver for the class to draw. Then the cadaver coughs, a miserable, cancerous cough that produces more than a few moths and dust. It is not a cadaver, but a former fashion model, driven to nude modeling in a last ditch attempt to get men to appreciate her faded glory.

Back in the 1970s, when boob jobs were still in their infancy, she rushed at the chance to get the operaion in hopes that it would increase business. Large breasts were big back then (excuse the pun). Just as she traded her first small sex toy for one with more battery power, she traded in her AAs for a pair of Cs.

Little did she know that being a surgical early adopter was not such a good plan. The 1980s came and the androgynous look returned. Small breasts were the thing to have. Now she is left with purple scars, creepy stretch marks and the appearance of having Tupperware bowls under her skin.

Quotes:

  1. “I’m thinking of having another facelift. I still have a few millimeters of loose skin I can pull.”
  2. “Dinner after class? Oh, I couldn’t. I had a Cheerio today.”
  3. “Of course they’re real. They’re rock hard from … exercise.”
  4. “I still get carded.”
  5. “Honey, would you mind picking up my lung? It fell next to your Art Bin.”
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Guide to Artists’ Models No. 4: The Closet Pervert

The Closet Pervert

Nude Model: The Closet Pervert

Possibly the ugliest known human (certainly the ugliest person I’ve ever drawn) is the Closet Pervert. At only thirty-three, he looks closer to ninety-seven, owing to chronic masturbation which has sucked away his life force. With his greying locks, he resembles one of the Founding Fathers, but as no woman in her right mind would sleep with this panty-sniffing letch, he hasn’t fathered a thing.

During art class, the Pervert’s eyes never stand still. They are constantly looking under easels to see what color underwear the women are wearing. A bead of sweat forms on his brow if he spies some cotton and shortly after, he salutes the class with his miniscule wood and begins furiously stroking, unaware that the entire class is now vomiting.

Shortly after the trial, he changes his name and moves to another county.

Quotes

  • “Can the women all see me? Maybe they should move to the front row.”
  • “I lost a testicle once, while … watching a movie.”
  • “I wasn’t touching it; I-I-I had an itch!”
  • “Are you wearing a thong?”
  • “You can’t throw me out! I didn’t finish.”
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    Guide to Artists’ Models No. 3: The Hippie Chick

    The Hippie Chick

    Nude Model: The Hippie Chick

    Making a dramatic resurgence in popularity in recent years, the Earth Mother’s younger, inebriated equivalent, the Hippie Chick is a sight to behold. Or flee from.

    Look for silky hair, wavy, golden-red and reaching almost to the floor—and that’s just her armpit hair. Her skin is either sun-freckled or drug-acned, and I don’t wish to get close enough to determine which. Many a man has seen her cutting flowers at outdoor concerts, naked as a jaybird, but—from the amount of leg hair—mistook her for a Satyr.

    She has one of those odd builds: child-bearing hips, but almost no breasts, a head like Alfred E. Neumann, and several regrettable, homemade tattoos. Her teeth are gapped, not in a natural, cute way, more of a, “My boyfriend lost the bottle opener” way.

    Quotes:

    1. “I don’t believe in shaving body hair. That is a plot created by the patriarchal society that women are subjected to.”
    2. “Are you going to pay me in weed again… ’cause I really need bus fare this time.”
    3. Dude… where is th… um… yeah so like… um… Are you going to pay me in weed again?”
    4. “Is that a UFO? Oh no, sorry. Bad flashback maaaa-aaaann.”
    5. “Jerry’s dead? Bummer.”
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    Guide to Artists’ Models No. 2: The Nudist

    Guide to Artists’ Models No. 2: The Nudist
    Nude Model No. 2,The NudistSecond only in popularity to The Earth Mother, The Nudist is usually an elderly gentleman, with a silver ponytail collected from his few remaining strands of hair. His buttocks are withered as raisins and his hairy stomach hangs from him like a weaverbird nest.

    The Nudist loves the outdoors and finds no greater pleasure than sunbathing on the front lawn, while waving casually to his astonished neighbors. He’s retired from his corporate job and now spends his days making wine in his basement in the nude, reading “Naturist” magazines while nude, and riding his Harley, in the nude.

    Quotes:

    1. “Pretty young thing like you confined in all that clothing. It ain’t natural.”
    2. “Course, me and my ladyfriend still have sex from time to time. We did it last night on the bench you’re sitting on.”
    3. “How’s the Cabernet? You know I was nude when I made that.”
    4. “I’m just trying to get back to Eden. Fruits, nuts and nude folk. How God intended it.”
    5. “I know your aunt! We shared a hot tub up north. Nude.”