Back in the Middle Ages, knowing what collective noun was applied to a group of animals was taken quite seriously. We all know the common ones, such as herd of cows, a pack of dogs, a flock of birds, but there were plenty of obscure ones like an exaltation of larks, a murder of crows, a shrewdness of apes, etc. Time for some new collective nouns for Internet groupings.

1. If a group of whales is a pod, is a group of teenagers an iPod?
2. A nuisance of 4Chan members
3. A nest of Tweeple (Twitter users)
4. A channel of YouTube watchers
5. A pool of Flickrites
6. A patch of hackers
7. A flaming of trolls
8. A backdoor of hackers
9. An absence of MySpace members
10. A wall of Facebook friends
11. A time suck of Farmville players

Which ones did you think of?

No related posts.

When they say:
“The SMTP mail server may be acting erratically today.”
They really mean:
“Turn me down for a date, will you? See if you get email anymore.”

When they say:
“Is that really a good user experience?”
They really mean:
“You’re cutting into my World of Warcraft time.”

When they say:
“You haven’t provided the proper documentation.”
They really mean:
“I’ve ruined the project. I plan on blaming you. Somehow.”

When they say:
“That’s not a feasible timeframe.”
They really mean:
“You’re cutting into my World of Warcraft time.”

When they say:
“I like your t-shirt.”
They really mean:
“ZOMG Boobies!”

When they say:
“We can’t have that finished. The server will need to be reset tonight.”
They really mean:
“It’s my D&D night, Elven whore!”

When they say:
“I see you’ve written to the CEO about the project taking too long.”
They really mean:
“And I’ve infected your machine with a Trojan Horse that will make you responsible for bringing down the company’s network. Hope your resume is up to date.”

When they say:
“I’d be happy to help.”
They really mean:
“I found a naked picture of you and will blackmail you later.”

When they say:
“Help you build your website? Depends. What kind of website is it?”
They really mean:
“Does it have boobies?”

When they say:
“I’ve passed all the Microsoft Certification programs.”
They really mean:
“I’ve never seen a naked lady in person.”

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Make your own fake tickets with the Concert Ticket Generator. Link via James B.

Related posts:

1. Mind your T’s and A’s
2. The Wisdom of Coworkers
3. Fun with Anna

Coworker: “Dave, can you look at this Laser printer? It’s broken and I can’t find IT anywhere.”
Me: “Yeah, what’s it doing?”
Coworker: “Well, {other coworker} sent a color file to this printer but this is a black and white printer.”
Me: “So?”
Coworker: “Well, you just can’t do that!”
Me: “Yes, you can, and it’s just out of paper.”
Coworker: “…”

Coworker: “I don’t want to print out this PDF.”
Me: “Why not?”
Coworker: “My monitor doesn’t have that much toner.”

Coworker 1: “We can’t use Pantone colors on the website.”
Coworker 2: “Why not?”
Coworker 1: “Because there’s no ink on the Internet.”

Coworker 1: “My PC won’t boot. Do you think I have a virus?”
Me: “No. I know for a fact you don’t.”
Coworker 1: “Why won’t it boot?”
Me: “It’s unplugged.”
Coworker 1: “OMG, who would do such a thing?”

What do your coworkers do?

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3. Bad parental wisdom

Protection against Comic Sans: Protects beginning Web Designers from succumbing to the fetid odor of this most noxious font.

Dispel MIDI: Makes the spell caster immune to the dissonant shrieks of embedded MIDI soundtracks on personal homepages.

Detect Rainbow: Spell destroys rainbow divider bars. Temporarily dispels rainbow-colored text.

Mage Page: Magic spell to dispel popup ads and prevent javascript page takeovers.

Obscure Animation: Prevents animated GIFs of gay Spiderman from dancing more than one round.

Cursor Curse: Prevents the mouse from being followed by animated trails of stars, unicorns and flowers.

Vampiric Styles: Touch removes ghastly stylesheets that only work on Internet Explorer.

Protection from Phishing: Protects caster from bank fraud emails.

With help from the lovely Natalie

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2. Mind your T’s and A’s
3. Is your date up to standard?

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3. Caption Time #59

WARNING: Extreme geek humor ahead

PML (Porno Markup Language), a pornographic computer language specification proposed by DL Byron is nearly ready for release by the W3C. The specifications are as follows:

Latest version:
http://www.w3.org/TR/porno-spec/
Previous version:

http://www.w3.org/TR/2005/TIT-porno-spec-20050428/

• Editor:
• DL Byron
• Contributors:
• Davezilla

W3C Jerking Draft 30 June 2005

PML is a general-porno markup language designed for representing the sex industry for a wide range of perversions across the World Wide Web. To this end it does not attempt to be all things to all people, supplying every possible kinky jerkoff idiom, but to supply a generally useful set of naughty bits.

Status of this Document

Publication as a Jerking Draft does not imply endorsement by the sex industry. This is a draft document and may be updated, replaced or obsoleted by better porn at any time. It is inappropriate to cite this document as other than “jerk in progress.”

Quick Table of Contents

1. Introduction
2. Sperms and Definitions
3. Performance Definition and Anxiety
4. The PML Document Type
5. Latex Definition Conventions
6. PML Sex Module
7. PML Hypersexed Module
8. PML Whore Attributes Module
9. PML Bi-sexual Sex Attribute Module
10. PML Instant Arousal Module
11. PML Bedding Attributes Module
12. PML Penis Handler Module
13. PML Naughty Image Module
14. List of Actresses

Example Code

8.1. Bi-sexual Sex Attribute Module

dir = “TtB|rtl|lro|rlo”

This attribute allows the author to specify the direction of the actress’s sexual position. This direction affects the display of characters as defined in Vivid Video’s The Bi-sexual Algorithm [UAX69], and defines directional properties of sex as defined by PML [PML1.0]. The default value of this attribute is TtB. Possible values are:

 

Examples

TtB: top-to-bottom sex. The effect of this attribute is defined by the PML rule:

[dir="TtB"] { unisex-bisexual: in bed; direction: TtB}

rtl: Right-to-left sex. The effect of this attribute is defined by the PML rule:

[dir="rtl"] { unisex-lesbian: in bed; direction: rtl}

lro: Left-to-right override. The effect of this attribute is defined by the PML rule:

[dir="lro"] { unisex-straight: bidi-override; direction: ltr}

rlo: Right-to-left rodehard. The effect of this attribute is defined by the PML rule:

[dir="rlo"] { unisex-trisexual: bidi-override; direction: rtl}

See our upcoming draft, PMSLT, due out in 28 days.

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2. She’s such a dog
3. And furthermore… Part II

I guess I should have used a capital four. I showed this error message to my coworker Jim. He told me to imagine if Yahoo extended the map’s “assumption” feature to their search:

1. We assumed you meant transvestites, not transmissions.
2. We assumed you meant was, not was.
3. We assumed you meant Paris, France, not Paris Hilton.
4. We assumed you meant bikinis, not briefs.
5. We assumed you meant progress, not Congress.
6. We assumed you meant rudimentary, not Rudy Giuliani.
7. We assumed you meant software, not underwear.
8. We assumed you meant prawn, not pr0n.
9. We assumed you meant Spanish Fly, not spinach.
10. We assumed you meant tank of eels, not Tanqueray.

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Anna is the animated help desk at IKEA’s Web site. She had some interesting answers to my questions. Click on the image for the whole story.

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2. Caption Time #34
3. I ain’t eatin’ there

On Friday I got the following error message in BBEdit. Someone had misspelled “title” within a link tag.

Error:File wn_messaging.jsp; Line 72:
Document type does not permit attribute "tit" within element "<a>".

The moral? Don’t put your tits in your a.

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