Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

When they say:
“The SMTP mail server may be acting erratically today.”
They really mean:
“Turn me down for a date, will you? See if you get email anymore.”

When they say:
“Is that really a good user experience?”
They really mean:
“You’re cutting into my World of Warcraft time.”

When they say:
“You haven’t provided the proper documentation.”
They really mean:
“I’ve ruined the project. I plan on blaming you. Somehow.”

When they say:
“That’s not a feasible timeframe.”
They really mean:
“You’re cutting into my World of Warcraft time.”

When they say:
“I like your t-shirt.”
They really mean:
“ZOMG Boobies!”

When they say:
“We can’t have that finished. The server will need to be reset tonight.”
They really mean:
“It’s my D&D night, Elven whore!”

When they say:
“I see you’ve written to the CEO about the project taking too long.”
They really mean:
“And I’ve infected your machine with a Trojan Horse that will make you responsible for bringing down the company’s network. Hope your resume is up to date.”

When they say:
“I’d be happy to help.”
They really mean:
“I found a naked picture of you and will blackmail you later.”

When they say:
“Help you build your website? Depends. What kind of website is it?”
They really mean:
“Does it have boobies?”

When they say:
“I’ve passed all the Microsoft Certification programs.”
They really mean:
“I’ve never seen a naked lady in person.”

Make your own fake tickets with the Concert Ticket Generator. Link via James B.

Coworker: “Dave, can you look at this Laser printer? It’s broken and I can’t find IT anywhere.”
Me: “Yeah, what’s it doing?”
Coworker: “Well, {other coworker} sent a color file to this printer but this is a black and white printer.”
Me: “So?”
Coworker: “Well, you just can’t do that!”
Me: “Yes, you can, and it’s just out of paper.”
Coworker: “…”

Coworker: “I don’t want to print out this PDF.”
Me: “Why not?”
Coworker: “My monitor doesn’t have that much toner.”

Coworker 1: “We can’t use Pantone colors on the website.”
Coworker 2: “Why not?”
Coworker 1: “Because there’s no ink on the Internet.”

Coworker 1: “My PC won’t boot. Do you think I have a virus?”
Me: “No. I know for a fact you don’t.”
Coworker 1: “Why won’t it boot?”
Me: “It’s unplugged.”
Coworker 1: “OMG, who would do such a thing?”

What do your coworkers do?

Protection against Comic Sans: Protects beginning Web Designers from succumbing to the fetid odor of this most noxious font.

Dispel MIDI: Makes the spell caster immune to the dissonant shrieks of embedded MIDI soundtracks on personal homepages.

Detect Rainbow: Spell destroys rainbow divider bars. Temporarily dispels rainbow-colored text.

Mage Page: Magic spell to dispel popup ads and prevent javascript page takeovers.

Obscure Animation: Prevents animated GIFs of gay Spiderman from dancing more than one round.

Cursor Curse: Prevents the mouse from being followed by animated trails of stars, unicorns and flowers.

Vampiric Styles: Touch removes ghastly stylesheets that only work on Internet Explorer.

Protection from Phishing: Protects caster from bank fraud emails.

With help from the lovely Natalie