Tag Archives: cars

What I Learned About Car Theft from Movies

  1. All cars can be hotwired. The first time the wires contact, they will spark. The second contact will always start the car.
  2. You’ll never steal a car with bad brakes, poor suspension, etc. Stolen cars can jump cliffs, bridges and take impossible turns.
  3. Stolen cars never have safety glass.
  4. Shooting a criminal’s windshield will always kill the driver instantly, causing the vehicle to roll off a cliff into a fireball. Shooting a hero’s windshield will cause the glass to spider 14″ to the right or left of the driver.
  5. When your car is too narrow to fit through a thin European alley, leaning to the side will angle the car upward on the passenger-side wheels only.
  6. When you steal a car, no matter how intense the security or parking regulations, there will always be a parking space out front.
  7. Wht have you learned about car theft from movies?

What I Learned from Movies: Car Chases

  1. All car in a chase will eventually run into an Italian fruit stand ominously parked in the middle of the road. This fruit stand is an omen of death and the proprietor is actually a minor demon; a minion of Lucifer set to test mankind’s will… and driving skills.
  2. Alternatively, two elderly identical men will be carrying a large pane of glass across the street without OSHA-approved gear. It is rumored that the glass industry is in a slump, and employees are required to listen to police radios for possible police chases. This gives them ample opportunity to sue for exorbitant insurance claims.
  3. All car car chases will at some point, venture through a narrow alley requiring drivers to either turn their cars at an angle to continue, or fire a Glock 27 at a dumpster, turning it into a single-use ramp.
  4. At some point, it will be necessary to drive at top speed on a crowded sidewalk, preferably through an outdoor café. The patrons of the café—their senses heightened by espresso and Brésiliennes—have cat-like reflexes and will roll and flip away from the oncoming vehicles with an agility that would put an Olympic gymnast to shame.
  5. Another omen appearing in the typical car chase is the elderly woman or blind man who crosses the street painfully slow, but timed perfectly to avoid being hit. These are in fact, large squirrels in the guise of old women.
  6. Midway through a car chase, the driver may tire of the drudgery of street after endless street and decide to off-road it a bit. There are two globally-approved methods of signaling to the other driver that it’s time for some unpaved action:
    1. Veer off the freeway unexpectedly on the one section of road where the embankment is missing
    2. Using the top of a parking structure as a ramp and careening into space. Best to land neatly on solid ground without damaging the suspension or breaking a tie rod.
  7. Leaning back in your seat will prevent you from being hit by enemy gunfire, as will ducking for a split second. Car doors are impervious to rounds up to .50 caliber and hand-held grenades.
  8. Audis are the fastest cars known to man and have up to 37 forward gears. They can and should be used in the War Against Terror, as they can withstand more abuse than an M1A Abrams tank.
  9. Crime-lords sitting in the rear seat of a vehicle can—and will—be shot to death during a high-speed pursuit. Attractive women in the same seat will miraculously escape unscathed. Something to do with the weight of their breasts counterbalancing the fabric of their slender, strapless gowns and the ratio of how much sheen their hair has. I think. It’s all very scientific.
  10. But the most important thing of all: no matter how old or smashed up the vehicle, brakes never fail in a car chase.

What have you learned from car chases in movies?

Scubby?

OK, dear readers. I am putting together a list and want your help. The few thousand of you who loyally read this site should have enough collective experience to make this happen. I’ve been fascinated by how each car and truck that has a cult-ish following has a nickname made up for it that all the owners know. For example, you all know Corvettes are called Vettes and Mini Coopers are called Minis or Coops, but did you know Ferraris are called Pony Cars? Subarus are called Scubbys? GTOs are Goats?

So that’s what I’m making a list of and if you know of any, add it to the comments so I can have the definitive list which I will make freely available to everyone once it’s done.

  1. Chevy Cobalt: Balt or C-Balt
  2. Pontiac GTO: Goat
  3. Porsche: P-Car
  4. Ferrari: Pony Car
  5. Subaru: Scubby
  6. Mini Cooper: Mini or Coop
  7. Please add any you know in the comments. Thanks!

Rejected names for cars

  1. Dodge Battering Ram
  2. BMW 325,000,000
  3. Mercedes Hahaha peasant
  4. Audi, Pardner
  5. Ford Vehicle
  6. Cadillac Emperor
  7. Subaru Hippie Chick
  8. Mercury Expectation
  9. Buick Potentate
  10. Lexus Cougar
  11. Pontiac International Man of Mystery
  12. Saturn Zeus
  13. VW Hipster
  14. Chrysler Going out of Business Sale
  15. Saab Story
  16. Jeep BBQ
  17. Toyota Soccer Mom
  18. Porsche Paprika
  19. Jaguar Commoner
  20. Hummer MILF

Written with help of the indomitable misterarthur

viagra
free viagra
buy viagra online
generic viagra
how does viagra work
cheap viagra
buy viagra
buy viagra online inurl
viagra 6 free samples
viagra online
viagra for women
viagra side effects
female viagra
natural viagra
online viagra
cheapest viagra prices
herbal viagra
alternative to viagra
buy generic viagra
purchase viagra online
free viagra without prescription
viagra attorneys
free viagra samples before buying
buy generic viagra cheap
viagra uk
generic viagra online
try viagra for free
generic viagra from india
fda approves viagra
free viagra sample
what is better viagra or levitra
discount generic viagra online
viagra cialis levitra
viagra dosage
viagra cheap
viagra on line
best price for viagra
free sample pack of viagra
viagra generic
viagra without prescription
discount viagra
gay viagra
mail order viagra
viagra inurl
generic viagra online paypal
generic viagra overnight
generic viagra online pharmacy
generic viagra uk
buy cheap viagra online uk
suppliers of viagra
how long does viagra last
viagra sex
generic viagra soft tabs
generic viagra 100mg
buy viagra onli
generic viagra online without prescription
viagra energy drink
cheapest uk supplier viagra
viagra cialis
generic viagra safe
viagra professional
viagra sales
viagra free trial pack
viagra lawyers
over the counter viagra
best price for generic viagra
viagra jokes
buying viagra
viagra samples
viagra sample
cialis
generic cialis
cheapest cialis
buy cialis online
buying generic cialis
cialis for order
what are the side effects of cialis
buy generic cialis
what is the generic name for cialis
cheap cialis
cialis online
buy cialis
cialis side effects
how long does cialis last
cialis forum
cialis lawyer ohio
cialis attorneys
cialis attorney columbus
cialis injury lawyer ohio
cialis injury attorney ohio
cialis injury lawyer columbus
prices cialis
cialis lawyers
viagra cialis levitra
cialis lawyer columbus
online generic cialis
daily cialis
cialis injury attorney columbus
cialis attorney ohio
cialis cost
cialis professional
cialis super active
how does cialis work
what does cialis look like
cialis drug
viagra cialis
cialis to buy new zealand
cialis without prescription
free cialis
cialis soft tabs
discount cialis
cialis generic
generic cialis from india
cheap cialis sale online
cialis daily
cialis reviews
cialis generico
how can i take cialis
cheap cialis si
cialis vs viagra
levitra
generic levitra
levitra attorneys
what is better viagra or levitra
viagra cialis levitra
levitra side effects
buy levitra
levitra online
levitra dangers
how does levitra work
levitra lawyers
what is the difference between levitra and viagra
levitra versus viagra
which works better viagra or levitra
buy levitra and overnight shipping
levitra vs viagra
canidan pharmacies levitra
how long does levitra last
viagra cialis levitra
levitra acheter
comprare levitra
levitra ohne rezept
levitra 20mg
levitra senza ricetta
cheapest generic levitra
levitra compra
cheap levitra
levitra overnight
levitra generika
levitra kaufen