Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

DISCLAIMER: Before you scratch your head or send me hate mail, please note that this is a fake interview. It’s not real. OK? The answers were created by rearranging the letters in Tom Cruise [anagramming]. No disrespect is meant. I’m sure he’s a fine person.

Davezilla: So Tom. I hear you’ve been sending rodents to the outer galaxies to find Xenu?
Tom Cruise: Mice tours!

Davezilla: Fascinating. I notice you’re scratching. Did you get kicked in the nuts?
Tom Cruise: (ie. scrotum)

Davezilla: What’s causing your pain, if you don’t mind my asking?
Tom Cruise: Ice tumors.

Davezilla: How do you get rid of those?
Tom Cruise: I cure most. Moist cure.

Davezilla: Now that you’ve been compared to Jesus, how do you plan on ensuring your immortality?
Tom Cruise: I store cum.

Davezilla: The press is always trying to out you.
Tom Cruise: Crime to us.

Davezilla: I won’t do that, but is it true that you have been known to poke the one-eyed sailor?
Tom Cruise: Rectum? I… So?

Davezilla: Just sayin’. So if you were gay, what type of men would you go for?
Tom Cruise: Semi or cut.

Davezilla: As the new Scientology Messiah, how will you protect mankind?
Tom Cruise: Omit curse! I smote cur!

DISCLAIMER: Before you scratch your head or send me hate mail, please note that this is a fake interview. The answers were created by rearranging the letters in Ashlee Simpson [anagramming].

Davezilla: What’s the worst thing about touring in a van like this?
Ashlee Simpson: Homeless pains.

Davezilla: You’ve been touring a lot lately. What are your off days like?
Ashlee Simpson: Lameness. I shop.

Davezilla: Do you ever get recognized in public?
Ashlee Simpson: I shop nameless.

Davezilla: Briefly describe your personality.
Ashlee Simpson: Simpleness. A ho.

Davezilla: What kind of men are you attracted to?
Ashlee Simpson: Salesmen; so hip.

Davezilla: That’s a rather short, tight miniskirt. I can see your [ahem].
Ashlee Simpson: Loin passes hem.

Davezilla: How does your costumer help you get out of a skirt like that?
Ashlee Simpson: Soaps hemlines.

Davezilla: Your skirt has tiny holes on the sides…
Ashlee Simpson: Pinholes seams.

Davezilla: When you dress that way, do you get men pawing you?
Ashlee Simpson: Assholes nip me.

Davezilla: You told some rather contradictory statements after your little hoedown on SNL.
Ashlee Simpson: Lie opens shams.

Davezilla: Is there anything you don’t like about your boyfriend?
Ashlee Simpson: Penis has moles.

Davezilla: Did you get mad when your producer edited your lyrics?
Ashlee Simpson: She’s slain poem.

Davezilla: How do you work out to look good for the boys?
Ashlee Simpson: Simple. Hone ass. Hips lasso semen.

Davezilla: Do you keep in contact with other celebrities?
Ashlee Simpson: Melissa phones.

Davezilla: Melissa Etheridge? What do you think of her?
Ashlee Simpson: Has simple nose.

Davezilla: Ever call Jessica?
Ashlee Simpson: Phones lame sis.

Davezilla: So you record, sing and [cough] dance. Any other sources of income?
Ashlee Simpson: Also ship semen.

DISCLAIMER: Before you scratch your head or send me hate mail, please note that this is a fake interview. The answers were created by rearranging the letters in Paris Hilton [anagramming].

Davezilla: “First off, how do you start the week?”
Paris Hilton: “I plan or shit.”

Davezilla: “Um, Paris? What are you doing under the table? Drop something?”
Paris Hilton: “Lost hairpin.”

Davezilla: “I heard you once seduced Ralph Lauren.”
Paris Hilton: “I sit on Ralph.”

Davezilla: “Assume I know nothing about hair. What is your current hairstyle called?”
Paris Hilton: “Rhino plaits.”

Davezilla: “Not that I’m interested, but what do you look for in a man?”
Paris Hilton: “A hip nostril.”

Davezilla: “Why do you keep scratching yourself down there?”
Paris Hilton: “Loin pit rash.”

Davezilla: “What was it like back home?”
Paris Hilton: “A Hilt prison.”

Davezilla: “Describe your typical evening in the NYC bar scene.”
Paris Hilton: “I nip harlots.”

Davezilla: “How do you get a taxi in New York?”
Paris Hilton: “Strip! No, hail!”

Davezilla: “What do you wear when you’re slumming it?”
Paris Hilton: “Oil pan shirt.”

Davezilla: “Describe your best friend, Nicole Ritchie.”
Paris Hilton: “Hip oral snit.”

Davezilla: “I’ve heard you are insistent that your friends refer to you as thin, not skinny…”
Paris Hilton: “Thin! Or I slap.”

Davezilla: “With a CD under your belt, would you list singer as your greatest accomplishment?”
Paris Hilton: “Ha! I list porn.”

DICK CHENEY

Davezilla: Was it really true that you received a ton of kickbacks from Haliburton from the Iraqi conflict?
Dick Cheney: I deny check.
Davezilla: Mr. Vice-President? Describe your lesbian daughter in two words.
Dick Cheney: Needy chick.
Davezilla: What’s the secret of your unhealthy pallor?
Dick Cheney: Chicken dye.
Davezilla: No one seems to call you Richard. I guess you don’t seem like a Richard so much as a Dick.
Dick Cheney: Hence, Dicky.

TONY BLAIR

Davezilla: Parliament seems to have more on the ball than the US government. Why is that?
Tony Blair: Brainy lot.
Davezilla: Your thoughts on manufacturing jobs going to Asia?
Tony Blair: Tiny labor.
Davezilla: How did you escape the beatings from the British Press?
Tony Blair: By no trial.
Davezilla: What did you say when you saw Avril Lavigne in London?
Tony Blair: Lo! Tiny bra!