Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

All my nightmares rolled into one image

Davezilla — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:10:20 +0000

Nothing to see here…

Davezilla — Wed, 07 May 2008 22:56:09 +0000

Captiontime #231

Davezilla — Mon, 05 May 2008 21:05:45 +0000

Image via StevieC

How to drive a waitress insane

Davezilla — Sat, 03 May 2008 21:38:52 +0000

Order the identical meal as your friend. When the waitress puts them down on the table, give her a dirty look and switch plates, shaking your heads as if you’ve never seen anything so stupid.
If the restaurant serves those deep-fried Twinkies (or anything similarly artificial), ask if the Twinkies are free-range organic.
Both order identical stir fries. Complain that yours has fewer grains of rice. You counted.
Order your grilled cheese medium rare.
Order your pie “a la commode”.
Ask the bartender for a dirty martini, “but no raisins in it this time”.
Leave unusual names with the hostess when there is a wait. Bingo, Stumpy and Xyxygy work well.
Pretend not to speak English very well. Order only from the beverage menu. When presented with numerous glasses, raise your eyebrows at the server and in perfect English exclaim, “What’s the matter with you? I ordered food. Hello?
Bring a hot woman with you to an oyster bar. Pretend that neither of you speak English well. Ask if, “she can order the naked.” Have her fiddle with her top. When the waiter get flustered, point a the raw oysters sign and say, “Yes, the naked.”
How would you drive a waiter/waitress crazy?

More things my cat has dragged in the bathtub

Davezilla — Thu, 01 May 2008 04:00:41 +0000

Original post

Etiquette question

Davezilla — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 12:48:47 +0000

Here’s a question. If you see a man wearing his napkin as a bib at a non-seafood restaurant, should you assume he is an adult baby? I do. My guess is that the makeshift bib is a signal to other adult babies and nannies that this restaurant is diaper-friendly. Just thrown’ it out there.

[BTW, today’s link has been fixed.]

Overheard: “Sangrina” edition

Davezilla — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:19:55 +0000

Bartender: “So what did you two do last night?”
Waitress #1: “We had some sangrinas. They were so good.”
Bartender: “I’ve heard of those. They’re like margaritas, right?”
Waitress #2: “No, they’re a wine thing with like fruits and shit.”
Bartender: “Oh, that’s sound good! What kind of wine is it?”
Waitress #2: “Dark wine.”
Waitress #1: “Yeah, dark wine. I dunno, Chardonnay or something.”

I swear, I lost 10 IQ points listening to that.

Possibly inappropriate times to initiate sex

Davezilla — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 04:00:44 +0000

While your partner is brushing their teeth
In the middle of a funeral
Mid-hurricane
While juggling flaming hatchets
During a tightrope walkover the Grand Canyon
While being hunted down by cannibal clowns
After divorcing them
During a zombie outbreak
While shark baiting underwater
When do you think would be an inappropriate time to initiate sex?

Captiontime #230

Davezilla — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 16:17:35 +0000

Things to do during a boring meeting at work

Davezilla — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:20:57 +0000

Psychically melt the brains of the person(s) responsible for the meeting.
Switch the agenda for one written in Pig Latin.
Stare intently at the speaker’s face as if they have a monstrous zit on their cheek.
Give the “your zipper is down” signal to the speaker numerous times during the meeting.
Scream at the top of your lungs that you, “just had the worst nightmare that I was in this horrible meeting…”
Perform a striptease. Request unusual music.
Inquire where this “box” is that everyone is thinking outside of, cause you sure haven’t seen one lying around the office.”
If there is a window view, bolt from your chair, dive under the table and yell, “Incoming!” This works especially well if there are any war veterans in the room.
Open a jar of spiders on the table.
What would youdo during a boring meeting?