Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Image via Queen Rosebud

Image via Rick. In case you’re wondering, this is actually an old Lysol ad. Just think. Women used to douche with Lysol. No wonder our grandparents hated sex.

Lizz and I had sushi at a swanky jazz club last night. Seated near Lizz was a rather large and beastly woman. Midway through her meal, the woman sneezed. And what a sneeze! She attempted to cover her mouth, but this only succeeded in deflecting the spray that was to come into cone-like soak zone, similar to those one encounters at zoological parks.

One second after the sound of the sneeze, a literal rain of sushi rice flew over our heads, one large glob slapping me in the cheek. It was one of the singularly most disgusting experiences of my life. Instantly I thought of Monty Python’s Meaning of Life. You know the scene. “It’s only wafer thin.” Well, that.

But wait, there’s more! Behind me, was a round table with several senior citizens in bibs attempting to crack open crabs. The oldest one, who faced Lizz, tried desperately to crack open a large leg, only to have it spring forth from the cracker, bounce off the belly of his friend and land on the floor. I saw none of this; Lizz filled me in. Just when I thought the weirdest was over, Lizz’ face froze and her eyes widened.
Me: “What?!?”
Lizz: “That guy. Crab leg guy. He just picked the leg up off the floor and ate it.”
Me: “Ten minute rule.”