Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Awesome: Pulling a pair of jeans on, still hot from the dryer on a cold winter’s morning.
Not So Awesome: The metal button on the jeans is so hot, it sears your abdomen.

Awesome: Using TweetDeck to automate Twitter on multiple accounts.
Not So Awesome: Posting a highly personal tweet to your work account.

Awesome: Watching your cat sit upright like Buddha.
Not So Awesome: Realizing your cat just took a dump on your sofa and is sitting in it.

Awesome: Putting fake eyebrows on your dog.
Even More Awesome:Your fiancée taking pictures of it and posting it here.

Photo by ChocolateRazor

1. Do we have to get a puppy? I mean, look at that adorable tarantula!
2. I just nuked a bitch.
3. Your wedding dress is so fuckin’ badass.
4. Fuckin’-a right, I’m robbin’ a bank!
5. The dishes can wait. You need a lap dance.
6. Cobra hunting? Be still, my heart!
7. You don’t have all I can eat.
8. You know what I’d like? Some creepy, single guy to follow me around with an upskirt cam all day.
9. Only 3,600 calories? Supersize that shit! I’ll fucking starve on that.
10. Yes, dear. I’m completely satisfied.

1. Merriment
2. Cherish
3. Giddy
4. Scrumptious
5. Sparkly
6. Vag
7. Toodles
8. Precious
9. Pocketbook
10. Slacks

What words would you add to this list?

1. If you don’t have an island in your kitchen, your home will never sell. Buyers want an island.
2. If you have the wrong kind of island in your kitchen, you’ll ruin your home No one will want to buy it.
3. Laminate flooring is a high quality, inexpensive material to give you the look of real tile for less.
4. Laminate floors look cheap and will lower the value of your home. You really should have gone with real tile.
5. Use purple and orange pillows, paired with lots of candles for the look of a plush, Moroccan getaway.
6. The Moroccan look is cheap, outdated and a fire hazard.
7. Bake bread in your kitchen before buyers show up. It will make the house feel like a home.
8. Buyers are savvy today and won’t fall for old tricks like baking bread.

What have you learned from HGTV?

1. All car in a chase will eventually run into an Italian fruit stand ominously parked in the middle of the road. This fruit stand is an omen of death and the proprietor is actually a minor demon; a minion of Lucifer set to test mankind’s will… and driving skills.
2. Alternatively, two elderly identical men will be carrying a large pane of glass across the street without OSHA-approved gear. It is rumored that the glass industry is in a slump, and employees are required to listen to police radios for possible police chases. This gives them ample opportunity to sue for exorbitant insurance claims.
3. All car car chases will at some point, venture through a narrow alley requiring drivers to either turn their cars at an angle to continue, or fire a Glock 27 at a dumpster, turning it into a single-use ramp.
4. At some point, it will be necessary to drive at top speed on a crowded sidewalk, preferably through an outdoor café. The patrons of the café—their senses heightened by espresso and Brésiliennes—have cat-like reflexes and will roll and flip away from the oncoming vehicles with an agility that would put an Olympic gymnast to shame.
5. Another omen appearing in the typical car chase is the elderly woman or blind man who crosses the street painfully slow, but timed perfectly to avoid being hit. These are in fact, large squirrels in the guise of old women.
6. Midway through a car chase, the driver may tire of the drudgery of street after endless street and decide to off-road it a bit. There are two globally-approved methods of signaling to the other driver that it’s time for some unpaved action:
   1. Veer off the freeway unexpectedly on the one section of road where the embankment is missing
   2. Using the top of a parking structure as a ramp and careening into space. Best to land neatly on solid ground without damaging the suspension or breaking a tie rod.
7. Leaning back in your seat will prevent you from being hit by enemy gunfire, as will ducking for a split second. Car doors are impervious to rounds up to .50 caliber and hand-held grenades.
8. Audis are the fastest cars known to man and have up to 37 forward gears. They can and should be used in the War Against Terror, as they can withstand more abuse than an M1A Abrams tank.
9. Crime-lords sitting in the rear seat of a vehicle can—and will—be shot to death during a high-speed pursuit. Attractive women in the same seat will miraculously escape unscathed. Something to do with the weight of their breasts counterbalancing the fabric of their slender, strapless gowns and the ratio of how much sheen their hair has. I think. It’s all very scientific.
10. But the most important thing of all: no matter how old or smashed up the vehicle, brakes never fail in a car chase.

What have you learned from car chases in movies?

2 Dec 2009
10 AM: Spent the morning leaving deliberate tracks in the snow near that stupid hunter’s cabin. Made sure to leave a clump of rat hair on fence nearby. Took a long dump on his front porch, but decided to scoop it up and smoosh it in his mailbox instead. PUNK’D!

Thought it might be funny to remind the park rangers of my existence, so I walked in front of the infra-red wildlife cameras. Here’s the trick to wildlife cameras. Listen for the click and release of the shutter. Count carefully, so when you walk in front of the lens, your body is out of frame—save an arm or leg. It’s also a good idea to rub some skunk urine on the lens so you look sorta blurry when the shutter releases. Ooh snap!

3 PM: Swallowed a bug while running away from two drunken hunters. I had the last laugh, of course. One of them ran into a tree and passed out. I tied him up naked in front of the infra-red camera. The other one began wheezing and turned all purply. I bucked his knees out and he hit the dirt like a sweaty Christmas ham. Why do these guys all wear bright orange AND camouflage? Sending a mixed message or bad fashion sense? You be the judge. I had other plans for him. My daughter wants a pet and with Christmas around the corner… Well, let’s just say rednecks are generally a lot easier to housebreak than puppies.