Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. Dogs lay eggs. Your parents hide them from you and you eat them on Easter.
2. Clowns eat children. After your pointless birthday party, one of your friends will be sacrificed to appease them.
4. If you don’t eat your vegetables, you will have to stay in the third grade forever.
5. Your parents only make you take math as a punishment.
6. The only kids that can see Santa Claus are the ones who eat broccoli, rhubarb and spinach.
7. Sixth graders learn to turn invisible in science class. Then they watch you in the bathroom.
8. Diaries are closely monitored by the government. Everything you write in them gets read aloud on the evening news so your parents can have a good laugh at you.
9. Your parents stopped having children when they saw how embarrassing you turned out to be.
10. What mean things would you teach a third grader?

1. Order the identical meal as your friend. When the waitress puts them down on the table, give her a dirty look and switch plates, shaking your heads as if you’ve never seen anything so stupid.
2. If the restaurant serves those deep-fried Twinkies (or anything similarly artificial), ask if the Twinkies are free-range organic.
3. Both order identical stir fries. Complain that yours has fewer grains of rice. You counted.
4. Order your grilled cheese medium rare.
5. Order your pie “a la commode”.
6. Ask the bartender for a dirty martini, “but no raisins in it this time”.
7. Leave unusual names with the hostess when there is a wait. Bingo, Stumpy and Xyxygy work well.
8. Pretend not to speak English very well. Order only from the beverage menu. When presented with numerous glasses, raise your eyebrows at the server and in perfect English exclaim, “What’s the matter with you? I ordered food. Hello?
9. Bring a hot woman with you to an oyster bar. Pretend that neither of you speak English well. Ask if, “she can order the naked.” Have her fiddle with her top. When the waiter get flustered, point a the raw oysters sign and say, “Yes, the naked.”
10. How would you drive a waiter/waitress crazy?

Original post

Here’s a question. If you see a man wearing his napkin as a bib at a non-seafood restaurant, should you assume he is an adult baby? I do. My guess is that the makeshift bib is a signal to other adult babies and nannies that this restaurant is diaper-friendly. Just thrown’ it out there.

[BTW, today’s link has been fixed.]

1. While your partner is brushing their teeth
2. In the middle of a funeral
3. Mid-hurricane
4. While juggling flaming hatchets
5. During a tightrope walkover the Grand Canyon
6. While being hunted down by cannibal clowns
7. After divorcing them
8. During a zombie outbreak
9. While shark baiting underwater
10. When do you think would be an inappropriate time to initiate sex?