Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. If you inherit a mansion, it will be haunted by a murderous ghost. You will not be notified of this until at least three people with you have died.
2. If your family owns a cabin, it will be in an area far from civilization, off a road that never made it to any map.
3. Teenage sex attracts serial killers and cannibals.
4. If you stab a serial killer, you will only be able to stab him just above the collarbone—an area that neither hurts him, not affects his ability to use his arm.
5. While the skin of a serial killer can burn, his internal organs are flame-retardant, allowing him to survive explosions, 3rd degree burns and blow-torches.
6. In any group of teenagers, the hottest girl will date the biggest asshole (he will also die the worst death).
7. Serial killers can make less noise tromping through dead leaves than a snail on glass.
8. Women running will invariably trip over an invisible branch. Wearing nothing but lingerie will increase the odds of tripping by roughly 50%.
9. Serial killers are also bullet-proof. Bullets actually give them more strength and are quickly absorbed into their bloodstream like multi-vitamins.
10. Serial killers cannot drown. They will simply relax underwater for several minutes, then silently creep up on you without dripping water.
11. Never stand within arms’ reach of a dead serial killer. This will resurrect him and he will grab your ankle (or the bloody machete you left next to him).
12. Virginity protects nerdy, bookish women from serial killers.
13. Local police do not believe in the existence of serial killers. The surgical removal of all limbs was clearly the result of a tragic accident.
14. Despite crime statistics showing most serial killers are “the guy next door,” according to Hollywood, serial killers all live in remote, backwoods regions that are invariably well-stocked with machetes, chain saws, Samurai swords, razor ribbon and military-grade explosives.
15. Serial killers, fed on a protein-rich diet of teenage livers and spleen kabobs, develop powerful muscles that enable them to punch through safety glass, saunter through solid, brick walls and tear the roofs off of sedans as easily as opening an envelope.
16. Serial killers have two fashion preferences: Cannibal Chic, a stunning ensemble consisting of hand-torn flannels and leather, accented with pentagrams, bird bones, animal heads and rusted chain suspenders. The other look — The Custodian — is more conservative. Look for a full-body jumpsuit with a monochromatic color scheme, finished with a blood-tinted hockey mask.

What have you learned about serial killers?

1. Whenever magic is being performed for the first time, black clouds instantly roll in.
2. If a cop or some para-military soldier pokes at his own eyes, then forwards twice in the air, trouble is coming.
3. Giants and large dinosaurs move in slow motion. Small dinosaurs move with lightning speed.
4. In real life, putting up your open palm signals someone to stop. In the movies, this is how Native Americans greet each other.
5. In real life, putting up your closed fist means Black Power. In the movies, this is how Ninjas signal each other to stop.
6. Women have always worn thongs, even in the Renaissance.
7. The first time a werewolf transforms, it will take up an entire chapter on a DVD and involve painful screaming. Subsequent transformations take only seconds and are painless.
8. If a sea monster is large enough to eat your ship, it will.
9. Giant snakes will feed 6-10 times a day, every day, rather than resting a month between meals.
10. All Eastern European grandfathers hunted witches. All Eastern European grandmothers are witches.

1. At any harbor, there will be two or more speedboats with keys left in them
2. Anyone who gets in a speedboat knows how to drive one expertly
3. Same thing applies to motorcycles
4. Aliens are attracted to our women and have matching genetics to breed with them
5. All twins are not only identical, but have matching voices and freckles as well
6. No matter how rare or ancient the relic, the world’s leading expert on it happens to teach at the local university
7. All magical talismans have rules that only work on certain astronomical configurations
8. The bad guys—who have spent their lives searching for these evil relics—will not find them until the day of the astronomical alignment.
9. These rare astronomical alignments will not make the news. Only bad guys and the local professor will be aware of them.
10. What have you learned from movies?