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April 03, 2002 :: "We’ve been expecting you"

After my third telemarketing call this evening...

Me: Hello?
Caller: Mr. Linabury? Hi, this is Jane* from Teenage Toxic Traps*? Did you receive the information we may have sent to your home recently?

Me: Secret Service. What is your authorization code?
Caller: Excuse me?

Me: How did you get this number?
Caller: Umm ... I ... I’m calling about a dating service?

Me: This is a restricted government line ma’am. What is your authorization code?
Caller: Authorization? I must have the wrong —

Me: Your authorization code please!
Caller: I-I-I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to —

Me: Tampering with a government line is a federal offense. I’ll have to ask you to remove this number from your database immediately.
Caller: That’s no problem sir. I’ll do that right away.

Me: I’ll wait.
[two minutes later...]
Caller: I am so sorry sir. That’s all taken care of now. We have no intention of ever calling a business, much less a government line. I do apologize for this.

Me: I do appreciate your gullibility in this matter ma’am.
Caller: That’s no problem... Hey, what?
[-click-]

*Anagrammed to protect the annoying

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He said. She said. There’s 21 Comments

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ye gods!

that's the best. way. to. get. rid. of. telemarketers. ever!
bwg :: 03 April, 2002 01:27 AM

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I'm still a big fan of the "please hold" method. (Ask them to please hold, then rest the phone down and do whatever you were doing before (assuming it wasn't talking on the phone).

And Jane is an anagram of what, 'Jane'? "Nija"?
Kevin Fox :: 03 April, 2002 02:18 AM

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Thank you! You just gave me the surefire solution to get rid of those obnoxiously persistent telemarketers.
Minnie :: 03 April, 2002 02:24 AM

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that is SO MUCH BETTER than the please hold method. my god. i may start answering my landline again, just to do that.
kd :: 03 April, 2002 04:26 AM

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Bravo! That has got to be the funniest thing I've seen in ages...how in the world did you keep from laughing at that poor woman??
Karen :: 03 April, 2002 04:57 AM

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Kevin, the answers to the anagrams are in the source code in a comment tag. I’m going to start putting them there in response to numerous requests.

How did I avoid laughing Karen? Simple. I was so pissed off! I was trying to take a much needed nap and within an hour I got four calls. All from different telemarketers.

Good thing I now work for the Secret Service. ;^)
Davezilla :: 03 April, 2002 06:40 AM

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Two of my favorites are asking for their home number so I can call them when their home for a more in-depth discussion. Or I'll just say, "You called me yesterday..."
they apologize and hang up immediately
Patrick :: 03 April, 2002 09:10 AM

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You have got to be one of the most creative people I've ever not met! Great idea!
leslier :: 03 April, 2002 09:10 AM

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Y'know, sometimes nice people are forced into telemarketing to pay their rents (voice of experience) and ruining their day doesn't really solve the problem as they are powerless against their evil corporate overlords.

That said, I did enjoy telling the woman from Ameritech who called last week that we weren't interested in caller ID because "we don't have a phone."
amyc :: 03 April, 2002 09:25 AM

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Wait a minute, I thought answering the phone nude was a sure fire way of getting rid of those pesky tele... oh.
Neil :: 03 April, 2002 09:45 AM

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I love you, Davezilla! You bring me joy. :o)
hilary :: 03 April, 2002 10:21 AM

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You should reveal your hidden anagrams in the next day's post. Just like newspapers publish the earlier day's crossword results.

Ah, well... that's my two cents.
Minnie :: 03 April, 2002 10:32 AM

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I like it. I sometimes ask them to hold and pretend to partake of domestic violence very loudly, but I like this one much better.
adam :: 03 April, 2002 10:39 AM

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Dave is my hero!
jessica :: 03 April, 2002 11:14 AM

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Now I know where to look for the answers... to the anagrams. I know the answer to the "What is 6 times 9" one already.

I'm assuming you're not going to buy the "Telezapper", or its equivalent?
Jon :: 03 April, 2002 01:16 PM

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I'm waiting for the telemarketer who tries to sell me a telezapper. I bet that would be surprisingly effective.
Kevin Fox :: 03 April, 2002 01:45 PM

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I'll see your Telezapper telemarketer and raise you a BellSouth telemarketer who called my *unlisted* phone number trying to sell me their "privacy guard" plan ($20/month). Really. I took great pride in reading her the Junkbusters anti-telemarketing script.
Mark Pilgrim :: 03 April, 2002 04:24 PM

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Wow. That's great.

*awe*
PixelFish :: 03 April, 2002 04:38 PM

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despite being unlisted or having caller ID blocking, any call placed to an 800 number from your phone automatically reveals your phone numbmer to that company; and of course we know they take the info and sell off to telemarketing companies.... (I learned this the hard way; now any 800# call I have to make is made from the office).
:)
Desiree :: 03 April, 2002 06:37 PM

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oh ho ho ho!
James :: 03 April, 2002 07:36 PM

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The same company called me (at least if I'm de-anagramming correctly) about an hour before I read your schtick.

And all I could come up with was a long (and true) story about how shabbily they'd treated me in 1989 when I'd taken them up on their offer of a "free evaluation". ("You're not the sort of person we feel we can help.") The telemarketer was very apologetic as she teased the painful details out of me, but did have the gall to ask if I could refer any of my single friends to them. I told her I was impressed by her nerve.

I did manage to burn over ten minutes of the telemarketers time while I was playing a post-dinner game of solitaire. And burning their time costs them money. If everyone did it, they'd be out of business. Or something.
DaveP :: 03 April, 2002 08:58 PM

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