davezilla.com > current: April 02, 2002: "The Worst Date Ever, No. 5"

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April 02, 2002 :: "The Worst Date Ever, No. 5"

I love dark-eyed women. And Oona Kylikki Holappa had eyes like polished obsidian. A strange Finnish woman that loved Proust, evening walks and catching sturgeon with her bare hands.

Our eyes met at briefly at an upscale Birmingham bar. We both ordered the same drink, Goldschlager drizzled with Drambuie, topped with oatmeal. Her finger brushed my hand lightly and I grasped it. It was fate.

We agreed to ditch our dates and make our getaway on the fire escape. Oona’s date caught a glimpse of us scurrying out the back window and ran after us. Fortunately, Oona anticipated this and hurled her spike-heeled Ferragamos with Ninja-like precison, stabbing him simultaneously in the right eye and larynx.

Impressive.

We ran down the alley, her stockings now muddied and torn. Our immediate thought was drinks at Forté. I ordered a ’98 Château d’Issan. It seemed appropriate given our harrowing alley chase and the loss of expensive footwear.

Oona turned her nose up at the menu.

“I have in mind a better dish; Oona wants a sturgeon-fish.” With that she reached into her tiny Fendi Baguette handbag and pulled out a meter-long, wet sturgeon. “Oh waiter boy, don’t read my mind. You see this fish? It’s quite a find. Take it to your smelly cook. Use the recipe from this book,” she quipped as she pulled a moldy, first-edition copy of Libellus De Arte Coquinaria from her handbag.

Just then it dawned on me that she was speaking entirely in rhyme and I said so.
“Do I speak in rhyme? The answer is yes. A side effect of my PMS.”
“PMS causes you to ... speak in rhyme?”
“It seems quite odd, yet it’s a fact; my horomones leave me out of whack.”

Cautiously I eyed her handbag, wondering what she would pull out of it next. The waiter returned with her sturgeon, cooked exactly as she had requested: basted in a pear-ginger sauce with essence of nicotine. They even garnished it with the fingertips of several recently-defected Soviet pianists which was an unnecessary touch.

I was a bit taken back when she decided to take the scant leftovers home in her bra. [Finland apparently has rather different “doggie bags” than we have in the states.]

After dinner she invited up to her flat to “see her etchings.” It was such a tacky line that I had to agree. She really did have etchings. Thousands. All were painstakingly rendered in the vernis-mou technique and featured clowns riding seesaws with naked Hummel figurines.

I passed on the night cap.

Other terrible dates:

He said. She said. There’s 17 Comments

you are out of control
guppy :: 02 April, 2002 02:28 PM

I was so sad the whole next day. I had no sex. You went away. I had such wonderful plans for you - and the clown suit would have fit you, too...

Oona :: 02 April, 2002 02:29 PM

Oh man, I have got to stop reading your site at work. I'm really trying not to laugh and I'm getting some funny looks.

This was the best one yet. Clowns and Hummel figurines? It's a wonder you didn't jump out the window. ;-)
Natalie :: 02 April, 2002 02:40 PM

The clowns riding seesaws with naked Hummels was the best touch. Well done. Subtle even, like a good Finnish cheese.
Kevin :: 02 April, 2002 02:56 PM

Oh, I love it. This was the best one yet. If the Finns are that interesting, just think--Davezilla meets a girl from Iceland...
Katherine :: 02 April, 2002 03:00 PM

you've read Mark Leyner, haven't you?
billy :: 02 April, 2002 03:24 PM

Yeah I like Leyner, but I wouldn’t cite him as an influence. His first two books were hilarious and then he turned to crap overnight.
Davezilla :: 02 April, 2002 03:39 PM

I'm telling Mom!
Patrick :: 02 April, 2002 04:18 PM

whomever posted as Oona deserves a medal. totally brilliant!
bran-O-phelia :: 02 April, 2002 11:09 PM

lol, excellent!
Minnie :: 03 April, 2002 12:02 AM

This one was very sweet. Even tho I prefer red meat. And Fendi baquettes are so last week.
Sheri E :: 03 April, 2002 12:05 AM

Goldschlager drizzled with Drambuie, topped with oatmeal???

Dave, you're a stone freak.
kd :: 03 April, 2002 01:01 AM

clowns are evil, dude. E-VIL. *shudders*
alie :: 03 April, 2002 01:17 AM

So are Hummel figurines. I’m always amazed at how many Christians will put those Satanic figurines in their home.
Davezilla :: 03 April, 2002 06:44 AM

That's a bad date? It sounded pretty good to me!
Dave :: 03 April, 2002 10:03 AM

my stepmom has a ton of Hummels.. I don't go into the livingroom b/c I feel them staring at me..
alie :: 03 April, 2002 10:30 AM

Poor Alie. I wasn’t aware you had an evil step-mother.
Davezilla :: 03 April, 2002 11:02 AM

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