davezilla.com > current: March 12, 2002: "The Worst Date Ever, No. 2"

last "My favorite new bumper sticker" :: Current :: next "Is sex with an ape-girl funny?"

March 12, 2002 :: "The Worst Date Ever, No. 2"

I still don’t know how I got roped into taking out Rebecca. Not my type at all. She was too quiet and too mousy, with a threadbare cardigan that suggested someone who is perpetually cold. I suspected she probably bought unnecessary vitamins by the caseful and grew wheatgrass on her windowsill.

The first twenty-five minutes of dinner were excrutiating; she said nothing and merely hinted at a smile through what I thought were hilarious stories. Her food was also unappealing to her; no doubt due to her insistance on having every ingredient sterilized in a centrifuge.

Midway through the meal, she threw her fork down and stared at me intently. She put her index finger to my lip to silence me, slipped her foot out of her Doc Martens, and began groping me between my legs. Deftly, she lowered my zipper with her toes. Things were looking up.

Amazed at her podiatric dexterity, I looked down at my lap to see her bare foot fondling me, her flat,hairy, bare foot. She had no big toe, instead an opposable thumb jutted rudely from the side of her foot. Holy shit. She’s a monkey.

I needed to get away from Miss Ohiopithicus Americanus. Now.

“Oh... shit.” she muttered.
“What? What’s wrong?” I mumbled, searching for the fire exits.
“My toe hair is caught in your zipper.”
“Oh no. No. Tell me you’re making that up.”

Not good. This was a rather upscale bistro and there was no delicate way of rescuing a simian toe discreetly from underneath a small table. Quickly, I considered my options:

Grab the candle and burn the hair off her feet. Then run.
Cut her toes off with a steak knife.
Crack her over the skull with the wine bottle and make a break for it.
Pretend a wild animal is attacking me [not too far from the truth].
Will myself into a heart attack and let her deal with it.
Master teleportation and end up in Angelina Jolie’s lap.
Scream, “Get your stinking paws off me, you damn, dirty ape!”
Give in to it and pray no one I know sees me.

None of these options seemed viable. The matronly, humorless waitress was shuffling over with the bill. I briefly considered asking her for help, but as she had obviously never had her foot in such a predicament, it was doubtful that she would understand, much less assist.

“Maybe if ... stand up quickly it will ... dislodge itself,” she muttered through clenched, square teeth.

I misunderstood her, and we both rose, flipping the table over, and showering an astonished nearby couple with a vintage merlot and Chilean Sea Bass poached in a sweet, lime glaze.

Her foot remained lodged in my fly, the effect of us appearing as a large capital H. We represented two distinct branches of the simian evolutionary tree as we hobbled to regain balance.

As luck would have it, a scream from the waitress, a bellow actually, startled my date from the Planet of the Apes, and she leapt up and clutched to the chandelier. Rebecca’s weight proved too much for the faux crystal fixture and she promptly crashed; a pile of fur and polyester.

A second date seemed out of the question. So did any hopes of ever setting foot in this restaurant again.

He said. She said. There’s 33 Comments

My cheeks hurt from laughing!!! What an imagery.
Minnie :: 12 March, 2002 01:29 AM

can't breath... laughing too hard... oh holy shit!!!
amy :: 12 March, 2002 03:15 AM

dave! too damn funny!!! well there goes the morning coffee all over my vaio.
guppy :: 12 March, 2002 08:13 AM

Hmm, let me zee. Dis is very interesting. Tell me, ven did you first start having dis attraction to zee simians, hmm?

Vy don't you tell me about your childhood.
Kristian Walker :: 12 March, 2002 09:11 AM

speechless...
i can't laugh anymore. it hurts...
Jen :: 12 March, 2002 09:31 AM

it just goes to show ya - give someone an inch and they'll take foot!
ratstink :: 12 March, 2002 09:43 AM

Bucket o’ fish!
Davezilla :: 12 March, 2002 09:52 AM

I don't understand what's going on. I rented Planet of the Apes on Friday and since then, the topic of Apes has been swinging from every chandelier of conversation.

Weird... hand me that banana, would ya?
Dave :: 12 March, 2002 09:55 AM

I'm laughing so hard I starting to cry. I hope nobody comes by my cube for the next 5 minutes - need time to compose myself.
Chris :: 12 March, 2002 10:05 AM

no way - is this true? or only the part about the toejob...
val :: 12 March, 2002 10:52 AM

I have a rule. I won't date anyone that could pass for a Hobbit. Period.
Peanut Gallery :: 12 March, 2002 11:54 AM

Oh man...ewwww. I'm happy I ate before reading this.
Charles :: 12 March, 2002 11:57 AM

Would it be too much to ask for some type of rating system to warn us readers of what is to follow?

Maybe something like:
EH: Extreme Hilarity to follow
NC: No Cola/Coffee, as it will most likely be shooting through your nose and onto your monitor while reading
P: Extra Pants (optional) being that you'll probably be peeing in the ones your currently in

Just a thought?
Hilarious stuff Zilla!!!!
Brad :: 12 March, 2002 12:17 PM

See?

I have told Dave at least four times he needs a "statutory warning: hilarious content. drink your beverage with caution," warning on his site. [Or some such thing.]

Good point, Brad.
Minnie :: 12 March, 2002 12:26 PM

My god, that was the funniest thing i've read all morning. ;)
Darren :: 12 March, 2002 12:46 PM

Let me tell yahs, I am glad that I am not the only one!!
Hot coffee and / or Sprite shooting out the nose just fucking hurts man. I try to be aware...you know?
*says to self* -- going to Davezilla's...put drink down --

but sometimes I forget..

Brad..your suggestions are too funny!!
Jen :: 12 March, 2002 01:28 PM

I chatted with Minnie this past weekend about adding a coffee-spewing icon for certain posts. Problem is, I don’t always know when I’m funny. Half the things I think are the funniest and most clever, get four comments, and the ones I think are marginal, get 40.
:^\
Davezilla :: 12 March, 2002 01:37 PM

Dave, you promised you wouldn't ever tell. Thanks a bunch!
Becky :: 12 March, 2002 01:59 PM

Sorry hon. Did you get those 3,000 bottles of Nair I sent for Xmas?
Davezilla :: 12 March, 2002 02:02 PM

T.C. Boyle's "Descent of Man" short story meets the Stacy Keach segment from "Body Bags"?
Ed :: 12 March, 2002 03:58 PM

Davezilla: You're right, this post was marginal.

That's TWICE.
David :: 12 March, 2002 04:24 PM

"Problem is, I don't always know when I'm funny"

C'mon Dave....To quote: "She had no big toe, instead an opposable thumb jutted rudely from the side of her foot. Holy shit. She's a monkey."

When was the last time you used opposable thumb to describe a love interest and it wasn't funny?
Brad :: 12 March, 2002 04:57 PM

good call, Brad. ;)
bran-O-phelia :: 12 March, 2002 05:21 PM

Hey, the Origin of Spiderman the other day was genius and no one said a word. :^p
davezilla :: 12 March, 2002 07:41 PM

Brad, let me rephrase. I don’t know when my readers think I’m funny.
Davezilla :: 12 March, 2002 07:47 PM

my head just hurts from that one
pete :: 12 March, 2002 08:19 PM

Pervy Hobbit fancier...
andrea :: 12 March, 2002 08:25 PM

:^o

No Andrea! She was a monkey-girl! I don’t do Hobbits.
Davezilla :: 12 March, 2002 08:43 PM

lol, hilarious. thanks for sharing. =)
joyce :: 12 March, 2002 10:32 PM

No way! OMG!! Too funny! I'm dying here! Is that really true? Hahaha :D
Elisa :: 12 March, 2002 11:51 PM

That is so funny :) Did that really happen! hehehehe Thanks for the laughs :)
Tammy :: 13 March, 2002 12:21 AM

Oh my god! im laughing so hard. Did that catastrophe really happen to you? Im sorry man!
delwen :: 13 March, 2002 10:14 AM

I am new to your site and this is too funny. I will be coming back for more.
amber :: 13 March, 2002 01:18 PM

Davezilla.com :: Relax, you're soaking in it davezilla.com > Comments

Add your two cents

You may use limited HTML in your comments (bold, italic and urls)