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February 27, 2002 :: ""

Reading through our glorious nation’s fine publications such as the Weekly World News and The Sun, you may hear references to the “Top Scientist,” and think, “I wonder how they got to be the Top Scientist? What do they have to learn to become a Top Scientist?”

Well wonder no longer junior scientist. The Davezilla Educational Foundation, which provides grants to further PBS broadcasting, is sponsoring this special presentation we call, How do you become: The Top Scientist?

Training
Being a Top Scientist means lots of training and dedication. Here busy minds and nimble fingers adjust delicate scientific instruments called microscopes. These devices, recently invented, allow a budding Junior Scientist to see objects smaller than 1". Imagine that! An entire world may exist right underneath our fingertips heretofore unknown to mankind. Someday, the Top Scientists and Pentagon Brass will use this information to defeat those stinking Commies.

Year One: Innovation
Students undergo a rigorous entrance exam involving sixteen questions on gravity and comic book physics. Study takes place in the Bermuda Triangle at the fabled, Rube Goldberg Hall of Inventions. Among the classes taken by the Top Scientist:

• Gizmo Identification
  
• Rocket Science for Dummies
  
• New Fangled Gadgets 101
  
• Repair Anything with Duct Tape
  
• Building Contraptions and Thingamajigs
  
• Decoder Rings and X-Ray Glasses
  
• Migration Habits of the Batboy and Chupacabra
  
• Pie-Making Secrets of the Illuminati
  
• Tomb Raider Gold Edition Game Cheats

Year Two: Ancient Cultures
If a Top Scientist is in the making, it’s on to the tougher classes in Year Two. These involve sleepless nights memorizing the languages and cultures of long lost civilizations of yesteryear:

• Lemurian I and II
  
• Conversational Esperanto
  
• Travel Phrases of Arkham, MA
  
• Atlantean-Ebonics
  
• Canadian

Year Three: Secrets of the Universe!
Yes, no science course would be complete without learning the Secrets our great universe holds near and dear to its bosom. In Year Three, Top Scientists study the works of the Great Masters of Science like Einstein, Newton and Zeldman.

Simple projects are undertaken at first, like solving Fermat’s Theorum or proving Cold Fusion. Then it’s on to the really tough stuff. The questions that have plagued man since time began:

• How to keep the last match dry while camping
  
• What dimension do our unmatched socks go to?
  
• Why do cats ignore expensive toys in favor of grocery bags?
  
• What the fuck is Velcro? I mean really?

We hope you’ve learned something today about the exciting World of Science, and will see you next time on How do you become?

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He said. She said. There’s 15 Comments

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Nice. And accurate too, I might add. Would like to see a presentation on Ancient Martial Secrets Of The Webmaster at some point, if funding permits.
chris :: 27 February, 2002 01:59 AM

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I don't know about 'top scientist' but I got labeled as "The usability expert Kevin Fox" by the New Yorker last year for making this page
Kevin Fox :: 27 February, 2002 02:06 AM

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
erich :: 27 February, 2002 03:25 AM

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lol... good one.
Minnie :: 27 February, 2002 03:31 AM

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The batboy and Chupacabra are real, but they are in italy, and are allowed out in public,
Good one dave, the nukes on the submarines are laughing their asses off.
J_dogg43 :: 27 February, 2002 05:16 AM

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You had me at "Pie-Making Secrets of the Illuminati"
Amy Allen :: 27 February, 2002 09:27 AM

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My favorite was "Travel phrases of Arkham, MA".
Jon :: 27 February, 2002 10:19 AM

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can we get the scientists to look at the question of which way up a cat would land if it had a piece of toast strapped butter side up to its back?
matt :: 27 February, 2002 10:49 AM

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You forgot skills like bilking the Pentagon out of billions of dollars for replacement toilet seat covers.
M. Elhassan :: 27 February, 2002 11:36 AM

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I guess McGuyver qualifies as a "Top Scientist", then? He can do anything with duct tape, and seems to have an answer for every question!
Kristin :: 27 February, 2002 12:09 PM

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Yeah MaGuyver kicks ass, the top scientist must have found out how to recycle washed up actors for the show Stargate, just like the did for Kevin Sorbo and Andromeda.
So where is Zena's new show, bring back gabrielle, come on the top scientists has to know how to boost ratings with shameless cleveage shots, I mean it worked for USA and TNN with the top scientist of Vince McMahon and the WWF. Vince is a top scientist.
Dave how did ya like the picture of the famous fishbowl?
J_dogg43 :: 27 February, 2002 05:08 PM

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How is it that Red Green fits half of the qualifications?
Lisa :: 27 February, 2002 05:13 PM

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That would be because Red Green is a Top Canadian Scientist.
Darren :: 27 February, 2002 06:21 PM

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Perhaps future editions might include:
- how to handle those damn groupies at annual conferences
- how to keep the "top scientist" slot with a minimum of bloodshed (e.g., how to screw up competitors' experiments with plausible deniability), and
-arranging lucrative merchandising deals.
Liz Tracey :: 27 February, 2002 07:27 PM

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Good suggestions Liz. A speech course in fabricating graphs, manipulating data and rewriting history would be good too. This would have been a much funnier post if I wrote it before 1am.
Davezilla :: 28 February, 2002 05:44 PM

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