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January 28, 2002 :: "A message to parents"

I have no children of my own, so I rarely criticize how anyone raises their children. I just hate being subjected to parents who seem hell-bent on convincing the rest of us, that their little simian throwbacks are not only gifted, but also budding geniuses.

This is not to say that I have no frame of reference. My dear friends, Jocelyn and Michele and my older sister Lisa, all have children that most would readily identify as probable MENSA material.

I hate to generalize, but I find it difficult to believe that some mullet-headed member of the Ted Nugent Bow Hunters Society is likely to produce the next Hegel.

The parents make heart-felt, but wholly unbelievable attempts to convince us that their mouth-breathing proto-hominid with sagging diapers and extra chromosomes is going to sweep the next Final Jeopardy.

The worst experience is when they drag Lucy into the Nordstrum Café by her nimble prehensile tail to amaze onlookers by forcing her to read the menu aloud. After several false starts and a few primordial grunts and clicks, their darling orc-child musters up a feeble, “I make tinkle.”

Look, anyone, I mean anyone, can have an inspired moment of accidental genius. But just cause your NASCAR love-child, Lil Abner Homonculous Jr., rubbed his diaper mess on the television, and OK so maybe it sort of resembled the Martyrdom of St. Joseph, doesn’t make him the next Caravaggio, all right? The only accidental moment of enlightenment this troglodyte will have is the daily rediscovery of his penis.

So rather than pretend that little changeling beast is something it’s clearly not, embrace it and love it for what it is: a tree-dwelling marmoset with superior night-vision and a taste for Jujubes.

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He said. She said. There’s 22 Comments

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you've obviously never encountered my little darling; she's NASA material in the making. i knew she was a genius when, as a baby, she would hold her bottle with her feet instead of her hands. kind of like a...
brandy :: 28 January, 2002 02:51 AM

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So, exacly which friend, co-worker, and/or relative was trying to convice you (obviously in vain)how "special" their child was....?

just curious. :)
Amy :: 28 January, 2002 04:24 AM

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No one I know. I’ve just had the unfortunate experience of witnessing this several times, especially when I was in college and worked as a waiter. It always occured at the busiest of times. I would be forced to stand there while these imbecilic parents shoved a menu in their toddler’s face. You could tell all the kid wanted was to get a handful of crackers and be left alone.
Davezilla :: 28 January, 2002 06:39 AM

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now David didn't my kids just give you a spongebob squarepants shrink-a -dink for your birthday! they stayed in the lines and didn't burn themselves when it was done if thats not MENSA meterial.....
judy :: 28 January, 2002 09:22 AM

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When I pointed out to my children that you called them MENSA material, they asked what it meant.

I told them it was a year round sleepaway behavioral modifcation camp for kids who don't know how to clean up after themselves. They immediately ran to their rooms and started putting toys away.

You really made this a lot easier on me, Dave. Thanks.
michele :: 28 January, 2002 09:32 AM

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You really hit the nail on the head! It drives me nuts too. What kills me is that they are complely oblivious to their bias. Arrrggghhhhh.
Ryan :: 28 January, 2002 09:58 AM

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There's another extreme that you didn't even mention, Dave. The parents who let their kids run wild and never even attempt to correct them, then get mad at YOU if you get annoyed. Some people should be neutered at puberty.
leslier :: 28 January, 2002 11:00 AM

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Oh, BTW, I am stunned that there's a Jujubes site. Even how to soften the hard ones. Get a life!
leslier :: 28 January, 2002 11:01 AM

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But, Dave, these parents have a point, if you discipline the little hellbeasts they might fail to actualize their potential and then they might fail to get into The Right Kindergarten and then it's all downhill from there...no Harvard, no future. The kid won't fail to get into Harvard because maybe-just-maybe he's just an average kid. NoNo. It'll be because of that day that *you* didn't want to be pelted with half-chewed, hormone-free, free-range soy-newtons in the checkout line at Fresh Fields.
Skarlet :: 28 January, 2002 11:25 AM

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for those of you who have procreated the secret to truly exceptional children is drilling manners into them. that way even if they don't test well, they can skate on personality +.
- jocelyn, the mannersmom nazi
jocelyn :: 28 January, 2002 11:57 AM

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Brilliant though they may be, children have an unfortunate tendency to know the exact moment to revert, thus making their parents look like unaware, self-laudatory buffoons.

In this way, the quiet happy child develops cholic the moment the phone rings and the early talker starts babbling nonsense.

Annoying little putzes. How is a parent supposed to live vicariously through the progeny if they insist on behaving like children?
Suzanne :: 28 January, 2002 04:46 PM

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Did you know theres a society for people of below average intelligence, called DENSA.
matt :: 28 January, 2002 05:32 PM

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I am proud to say my children are NORMAL...by my definition at least. Not exactly a marmoset, but they won't be in charge of the next space mission either :-)
Amber :: 28 January, 2002 05:35 PM

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way to go jocelyn I have two sayings in my house "manners are free" and "if you never give your childern responsibilties they will never be responsible"
judy :: 28 January, 2002 05:42 PM

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A little more idiot than savant, eh?
Tara :: 28 January, 2002 06:56 PM

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*phew* I'm glad I'm not at that whole parenthood thing yet (ever?).

I did read early (I doubt menus were a specialty, though), but I don't think my folks ever said I was MENSA material; I believe the words they used centred around 'bored' and 'restless'.
andrea :: 28 January, 2002 09:34 PM

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oh, come on--you're not serious, are you? parents are supposed to be biased toward their children. we're supposed to think they're the most brilliant, wondeful beings to ever walk the earth. it's the only thing that keeps us from killing them.
brandy :: 28 January, 2002 09:35 PM

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LOL, go brandy!!!!!
amy :: 29 January, 2002 12:23 AM

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My son is 9 months old and already acts and behaves like me. Sins of the past will be paid back 10 fold.
DS :: 29 January, 2002 05:10 AM

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DS hit the nail on the head. Remember when your mom always said, "I hope you have a little boy/girl EXACTLY like you" ? It's an evil curse.
I must have been a bad only child because now I have -two- little smartasses running around the house.
Nikki :: 29 January, 2002 10:28 AM

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Heh. I'm sending this to my mom. She teaches first grade and every year, half the parents think their kids are gifted.

It tends to be first or only children that are considered "gifted" by their parents. My guess is, the parents just don't really know how much kids can do and are stunned by how quickly they're growing up.
space :: 29 January, 2002 12:01 PM

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I think the parents in question are trying to convince themselves as much as the are trying to convince you.... Otherwise they would have to admit the evil twin took over at age two and hasn't let the good twin back yet. =)
lynn :: 29 January, 2002 04:38 PM

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