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January 22, 2002 :: "He calms my telephone"

Ask anyone who’s ever spoken with me on my cellphone. I have crystal-clear coverage anywhere in the US. Anywhere, that is, except in my own home.

My phone plays a little game with me, you see. It sits in its recharging cradle and stares at me with utter contempt. Knowing it will be called upon to talk at length, rammed against my head, it plans a bitter revenge.

Should I get a call while working or being a man about town, it is on its best behavior, answering each call promptly and clearly. No, it waits until I am alone.

Then it begins.

It chooses randomly where and when it will strike. The phone rings. Maybe it’s a friend, a love interest, a client, my family; it matters not. My phone has an agenda and will not veer from it for anything.

It waits, until a crucial point in the conversation is reached, and cuts out. BEEP. Signal faded. Call lost.

You plastic bastard.

I redial. This time it will cut out before it connects. I redial. Busy signal. They are trying to call me back. I wait. It rings. “Hello? Sorry I got cut o--” BEEP. Signal faded. Call lost.

That goes on for the duration of the call. I have learned how to cheat. I call in public. I go out on my balcony. I sit in my pickup truck and talk for hours. It knows what I am up to. The battery on this cellphone lasts 18 hours in standby mode. Talking it is supposed to run for six hours straight. In public, this is entirely possible. At home, it once again waits for a crucial topic, and dies suddenly.

I can’t live this way. How can I carry on a decent conversation, or have steamy phone sex or... uh... I mean, carry on a decent conversation? [whistles]

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He said. She said. There’s 17 Comments

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Oh Dave... did you forget your weekly sacrifice to the cellphone gods again?

tsk.

You know you'll only have to do double next week, or pay the consequences, and I hear repeated phonecoitus interruptus can have all manner of nasty side-effects.

Not to mention getting arrested if you decide to go for the public option ;)
ann :: 22 January, 2002 02:34 AM

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Conspiracy Theory:

Cell Phone in league with The Smell.

Cell Phone in sympathy for gerbal who ate his own ass.

Cell Phone shot Kennedy.

Cell Phone is secretly hiding Osama.
Min Jung :: 22 January, 2002 03:51 AM

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dave, you have a pickup truck?

damn!
clive :: 22 January, 2002 05:21 AM

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don't k ow if that is wo rse or the way it ble ps out eve y other syl able when you are try ng to talk to som one.. .. .. ...
MishMish :: 22 January, 2002 09:30 AM

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Was that a good damn or a bad damn Clive?
Davezilla :: 22 January, 2002 10:16 AM

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There is this new technology you've probably never heard of...LAND LINES.

I guess these companies bury phone wire in the ground and string some up on these poles...telephone poles, I think they call them.

Maybe you should look into it.
Tara :: 22 January, 2002 10:54 AM

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I sure wish cell phones wouldn't work IN MOVIE THEATERS!!!!! (Must calm down, must calm down...)
leslier :: 22 January, 2002 10:58 AM

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damn. tara stole not only my comment, but my sarcasm as well. ;o)
hilary :: 22 January, 2002 12:44 PM

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perhaps your poor reception is caused by that special shielding you put up to keep out the alien mind control rays. the home version is so unnecessary - a simple tinfoil hat will suffice.

(oops, i forgot -- YOU'RE ONE OF THEM) anyway, that's probably your problem right there, doncha think?
kd :: 22 January, 2002 03:32 PM

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heh. I have a similar problem. I believe it's the damn hot water pipes that run through my walls. If I turn in a particular direction, it goes *poof*. I actually had to turn my desk around to avoid it because the direction happened to coincide with my natural position on the phone. :/

Land lines?! LAND LINES? you mean those lovely obscure-the-view-and-kill-the-birds lines? Or the under-ground-call-before-you-dig fiber optic cables? Got one. Costs less to use the cell, though. Go figure.
Suzanne :: 22 January, 2002 07:32 PM

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Hehehe... gotta giggle at this one... I live in Japan, the land of the cell phone, all reception all the time.... er... except in those pesky tunnels... and at the mall... or in my house...

Oh, and around here, the only reason people have land lines is for their computers.... :D
Amy :: 22 January, 2002 10:19 PM

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Er, don't use the mobile phone at home? Then its cunning plan will be nipped in the bud.

And, damn, a truck, how cool. Gotta visit you some day.
andrea :: 22 January, 2002 10:42 PM

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har har... poor Dave.

Thanks for making me chuckle! See, now that's why I never miss my daily dose of Vitamin D.
Minnie :: 23 January, 2002 01:32 AM

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Ok, am going off at a tangent here, but I just saw your illustration of Shakti. Very impressive. Oh, & by the way, I am from India.
Minnie :: 23 January, 2002 01:39 AM

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Thank you! I enjoyed drawing that.
Davezilla :: 23 January, 2002 02:18 AM

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You know, it MUST be bad Feng Shui.
Ilsa :: 23 January, 2002 05:29 PM

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Hmmm I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll hang some red fringe from my rafters and buy some koi. Maybe my luck will improve.
Davezilla :: 23 January, 2002 06:55 PM

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