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January 16, 2002 :: "It started down below."
Ann’s sister has a hamster. His name is Beaker, and he has a problem. Beaker, it seems, took to devouring bits of his own anatomy recently.
It started down below.
Beaker began his self-cannibalistic munching spree over a week ago. He ate his own scrotum. I know. He’s a hamster. He’s supposed to enjoy a simple repast of sunflower seeds, alfalfa pellets and children’s fingertips.
But this is Beaker we’re talking about. The hamster with a problem.
The steady grind of prison life in a Cellblock Habitrail was taking its toll on dear Beaker. Nothing to do but wait for meals and work out.
The gym was nothing to write home about. Just a squeaky, creaky wheel. Sure you could run off those fattening pellets and work yourself into a runner’s high. Sure you could wake up the family at 4am. That was fun. But deep inside Beaker’s tiny brain was a ticking timebomb set to blow.
“I’m never getting laid as long as I’m in this joint,” mused Beaker. “What’s the point of having a pair if you’re never get to use ’em?” Just then lunch arrived. “Dammit! No sunflower seeds? What is this shit? Ooh an orange chewstick for dessert. That’s it. I’m going on a hunger strike.”
The strike lasted approximately fifteen minutes. Hunger overtook the hapless beast and he knew what he had to do. An act so unspeakable that his human overlords would be forced to recognize him once and for all as a thinking, rational being. With a problem.
He ate his own scrotum.
It wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. Ten days later, after the wounds healed and the family stopped screaming about the missing jewels, he started to get a hunger. That nagging feeling that said, “You need it Beaker. Give in. Eat it. Go on. No one will know. Peer pressure... Peer pressure... Peer pressure... ”
Beaker looked at it for a long time before diving in. For months he’d heard humans talk about delicious rump roasts and how the “boss had my ass for lunch,” but he’d never given in to temptation until now.
Beaker, the hamster with a problem, ate his own ass. The once proud king of Cellblock H was now half the man he used to be. Literally.
You write the funniest stuff, 'zilla! When's your book coming out?
See this is why I read you Dave! (cleans up spewed coffee)
Hamsters are vicious little freaks (see Infinite Jest). When I moved to Boston after college, my roommates and I each got hamsters at Woolworths (I know, I know). Despite their elaborate cage and unlimited supply of pellets and broccoli, they fought constantly. My hamster Bob was banished to another cage for being a "troublemaker." He died of loneliness a couple days later. Then Jen's hamster Tito went spare on Rebekah's hamster Little Guy and ate his brain! And part of an eye. With both Little Guy and Bob gone, there was nothing for Tito to chew (which rodents need to do to keep their choppers the proper length), so his upper teeth kept growing and eventually fused into his jaw and he starved.
....and rodent week on the davezilla channel continues.....
I agree with Amy. This kind of stuff is the reason I get up in the morning and look forward to my morning dose of Davezilla.
You guys. Don’t be giving me a big head now. I already look like one of Giger’s Aliens. Thanks though. I really do appreciate it.
Think up? Think up?!?!
this is the second time this week i have heard about rodents eating other rodent's brains. it seems squirrels have a habit of doing such to each other's young. i know a walnut sorta looks like a brain sitting in a brainpan but this is ridiculous.
Well, I can attest to the eye-eating thing anyway. Had a hamster that ate another one's eye. Woke up one morning, and he was a cyclops. Had to separate them.
Who knew that the gentle hamster could be such a vicious cannibal? In my mind’s eye I kept seeing the Killer Rabbit from Monty Python’s Holy Grail.
With all this talk of the domestic rodent's penchant for masochistic mastication, why the Hell aren't more people seriously freaked out when Fuzzy Lechter goes missing?!!! Seriously, I'd have heat sensors, laser trips and auto-guns primed and ready 24-7. The last thing I need is to wake and find a swirl-eyed fur ball staring me down, his cheeks packed to bursting with various bits of used-to-be-me.
Thanks for reminding me, Goblin. My very first hamster actually escaped from its cage twice and once awoke me from a deep sleep as it crawled up my blanket. Glad I didn't know then what I know now.
My condolences to Ann's sister's loss of her pet Beaker. Err... is he even DEAD yet after eating himself?
No, it's not dead yet. Unless my sister's boyfriend has followed my advice on how to put it out of it's misery, in the event that it doesn't stop eating it's own damn ass.
Is this hamster still alive? Is this story real? What? Huh?
The hamster is still alive.
Put him down?! First off the only thing that could kill that thing isn't of this earth. Come on people it ATE IT'S OWN NUTS!!!! You'd have to encase that thing in concrete lock it in a bomb proof safe and sink it in the Marianas Trench and even then that'd only be a temorary solution as it would eventually gnaw it's way out of it's prison and be coming after your great great grand kids with revenge ablaze in it's beady little eyes. No I think instead you need to milk this furry fury for all it's worth. I'm seeing a whirl wind "Toughman vs. Ass-Chewing Hamster, Death-Cage, Fireball-Fury, Pit-of-Pentultimate-Doom" grudge match. Hell, throw in some "Motorcyle, Hyper-Rage, Super-Flying-Action" and you'd be able to retire in less than two months (and by retire I mean purchase your own country and by two months I mean a week.) As for the hamster, once you've made your millions just let him alone in a dark room for a couple of days and clean up should be as easy as returning only to sweep up the tiny chattering mouth.
Tell us what you really think Goblin. This time, try not to be so vague.
Gah.
Aw nuts....where do you get off writing these half-assed stories anyway?!
Sorry Brad. But you know it takes a lot of balls to write this kind of stuff. So just get off my ass about it OK?
hmmmm, scrotum. i wonder what the choke-a-bility factor is for that? oh wait, i don't have any balls so it's a moot point. dang it, my face hurts. *touching face* ouch! *touching face* ouch! *touching face* ouch!
Ok.
So out of shear morbid curiousity I typed in the words DEAD HAMSTER in Google...
Wow 41,400 results for dead hamsters. I love the Internet.
Davezilla.com is my new weight-loss tool. After reading this post last night, I lost my appetite.
heh this is pretty funny stuff, but I do feel a bit sorry for animals that people take as pets and then don't know how to properly care of them (just a thought...not about to go join PETA or anything . . .) Add your two cents
He said. She said. There’s 27 Comments
leslier :: 16 January, 2002 09:09 AM
Amy Allen :: 16 January, 2002 09:25 AM
On the plus side, hamsters will pouch any food you give them, and watching three hamsters try to tuck foot-long stalks of dry spaghetti into their faces is almost worth any resulting gory tragedy.
amyc :: 16 January, 2002 09:51 AM
guppy :: 16 January, 2002 09:56 AM
I sincerely wish I had the time to think up such friggin' hilarious stories.
Dave..you rock!!!
Jon :: 16 January, 2002 11:35 AM
Davezilla :: 16 January, 2002 01:17 PM
It's true!
[wanders off muttering to self]
ann :: 16 January, 2002 01:21 PM
p.s. just to contribute to the fray, you are my first read every morning as well :)
tbit :: 16 January, 2002 01:23 PM
leslier :: 16 January, 2002 01:45 PM
Davezilla :: 16 January, 2002 03:02 PM
Goblin :: 16 January, 2002 03:07 PM
leslier :: 16 January, 2002 03:28 PM
Andrea :: 16 January, 2002 03:43 PM
Well what would you do? Take the half-fuzzball to the vet and be charged £40 for the vet to do the dirty deed?
ann :: 16 January, 2002 04:33 PM
Crinkle :: 16 January, 2002 04:57 PM
The story is real.
ann :: 16 January, 2002 06:43 PM
Put him down... sheesh!
goblin :: 16 January, 2002 08:42 PM
Davezilla :: 16 January, 2002 08:44 PM
Is there really anything else that needs to be said??
andrea :: 16 January, 2002 08:51 PM
brad :: 17 January, 2002 01:05 AM
Davezilla :: 17 January, 2002 01:30 AM
"w" :: 17 January, 2002 02:21 AM
First the rat bread.
Now hamster rump.
What's on the menu next?
Lemming lasagna?
***
This is why my parents never let us have pets.
Min Jung Kim :: 17 January, 2002 07:09 AM
My GOD!
Larry :: 17 January, 2002 09:00 AM
Davezilla :: 17 January, 2002 10:23 AM
Just think of the pounds I'll lose!
Nikki :: 17 January, 2002 01:54 PM
Charles :: 18 January, 2002 12:08 AM
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