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December 19, 2001 :: "Where did that come from?"
This story has adult situations. You’ve been warned.
John and Brad called me to announce that for my sixteenth birthday they were taking me to a strip bar in Canada. It was time, they said, that I went to one.
So the day after my sixteenth birthday, three of us, armed with fake IDs, drove through the dank, dripping tunnel under the Detroit River into Windsor-Ontario. The club was a dimly-lit tavern at the base of a hotel, which I found odd. It was packed to the walls with screaming, drunken Canadians.
The drinking age in Canada is only 19, so the bouncer, an Australopithicene with an acne-scarred forehead, didn’t bat an eye when we showed him our IDs. There was no cover charge; the idea being you would drink continuously. We hoped to do so until realizing beer was six dollars a pint.
Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS, was their barmaid. A statuesque blonde German woman who hated men, particularly American boys pretending to be old enough to see bare, naked boobs. She scowled at us for a good five minutes before deciding that we weren’t leaving and she would have to put up with us.
The first dancer was just leaving as we sat down. A petite redhead and cute as a button. We all looked at each other and Brad said, “Didn’t I tell you? I told you they had just stone foxes here!” [Forgive the slang; it was 1980]
Dancer Number Two took stage, a scrawny black woman with clear, plastic shoes. Oh, did I forget to mention that there was no stripping? They simply walked out naked and started grinding.
Then Dancer Two did something that made me gag, and the audience go wild. She ... sprayed lactate on the crowd from her breasts. Brad choked and spewed beer on the man in front of him who seemed to engrossed to notice. John had escaped to that happy place in his mind where bad things can’t hurt him.
I was shocked. Is this normal? Do women always do that? My brain froze, and I sunk into my chair unable to shake the image. Dancer Number Three pranced onstage. I can’t remember what she looked like as I was afraid to look up and risk getting doused by Dancer Number Two.
I wish I had looked up. I might have seen what was coming and ducked. “Whoa Dave!” John yelped. I looked up, just in time for something small and round to hit me squarely on the chin. Dancer Number Three had managed to top Dancer Number Two’s built-in squirtgun trick.
It was a pingpong ball. And believe me, you do not want to know where it came from.
my friend (also brad. ha! must be the name) dragged me to one. not that gross. you must have been to the worst one. sure it was canada not hong kong?
Y'know, I always enjoy your storytelling, Dave, but this one... why did you feel compelled to share this with us so many years later? The imagery is just mind-numbing... can't get those pictures out of my head. Can you please share a different bedtime story with us now? I'm going to have nightmares tonight.
Why did I wait? Well, I wasn’t blogging much in 1980...
Wait a minute. You were 16 in 1980? That means that you're as old as I am?!
"John had escaped to that happy place in his mind where bad things can’t hurt him." - snicker
The moose and the beer bottle? Do share...
Ha ha, Doug. Zilla had me fooled, too! Now we can all enter a new realm and reminisce together. Ah, the good old days...
Fooled? I’ve mentioned being 37 many times. As for my utter lack of maturity, I think that speaks for itself.
huh, sorry to be so geeky, but legal drinking age in Canada is 18.
37!? Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick!
Sorry I missed the mention of your age, Dave. Must've been cleaning my bifocals. lol
Legal drinking age is 19 in Ontario, 18 in Quebec and various other provinces. I can be geeky too! :)
The lactating part made me laugh out loud, which made the baby unlatch, which made me accidentally reinact your traumatic Canadian visit... Whoops! *wipes off monitor*
Natalie is right on all counts. I should have been more specific though. I wrongly assumed the drinking age was a national law. I apologize.
*bahahahahahahaha*
Well hell, everyone's gotta have a special skill... and if that's what they drew in the genetic lottery then you can hardly blame them for trying to make a living from it...
Lordy, lordy...I need to get out of the house more...my life has been entirely too sheltered!
Yeah buit you got to see some pussy-soiaked pingpong bals so that was makes it all worth while!!!!!!!!!
Umm OK thank you for that insightful commentary.
I saw that pingpong ball trick in a movie. Priscilla Queen of the Desert.
so dave, what's this club called, and could you still find it?
I think it was called the Bean or the Beanery. Something like that. It was just inside the border maybe a mile. I don’t remember exactly where; that was nearly 22 years ago.
that's right dave! let's show the kids how it's done. (mind you dave is older than i am, but still, not by a landslide or anything.) and oh man, i remember hearing legends of that very same strip club from boys in my high school who made the same pilgramage. *shudder*. ah sweet canada. not being particularly motivated to go to strip clubs, we girls just used to go to mother's pizza or the bars on oulette and drink. back when michigan drivers licenses could be altered with foundation, scotch tape an a #2 pencil.
Leslie I can’t believe you never went to Danny’s, the infamous male strip club that has ads on every five minutes on the rock stations. Every young woman in Michigan goes there at least once.
Canada! Come for the culture, stay for the ping pong tricks, drink your fill on the milk of generousity! Add your two cents
He said. She said. There’s 25 Comments
guppy :: 19 December, 2001 11:23 AM
leslier :: 19 December, 2001 12:40 PM
Sorry. They can’t all be winners. I’ll write something funnier tomorrow. :^(
Davezilla :: 19 December, 2001 01:32 PM
I thought I was tuned in to the youthful generation! You know, the hip kids, the ones that are "down" with stuff, and "jiggy" with other stuff.
It turns out I'm listening to another old fart who's standing on his porch screaming "Wilson! Your dog shit in my yard again! I know my dog's shit, and that's bigger than his! You better clean it up or I'll call the cops on ya!"
I thought I was listening to Incubus, not Manilow. I thought I was drinking Red Bull, not Coke Classic.
I'm very disappointed in you, Dave. Very, very disappointed.
Oh, and the stripper story was gross. Ick. I hope you washed your very soul afterwards.
Doug :: 19 December, 2001 01:39 PM
i can't remember if we covered the ping pong ball trick in either home ec or gym. did anyone do that thing with the moose and the beer bottle? that's my fave.
heather :: 19 December, 2001 01:48 PM
Davezilla :: 19 December, 2001 01:48 PM
leslier :: 19 December, 2001 02:11 PM
Davezilla :: 19 December, 2001 02:14 PM
vieux bandit :: 19 December, 2001 02:34 PM
Where's your dignity, man? Web sites are for the young! Our day is past. It's time for us to curl up with fond memories of Asteroids and roller rinks. Solid Gold dancers and Grover (not Elmo!).
Grab the channel clicker and sit down before you fall and break a hip. Regis is on.
Doug :: 19 December, 2001 02:38 PM
leslier :: 19 December, 2001 02:42 PM
Uh...I don't know if I can say anything else...other than people from Windsor are weird. Really.
Natalie :: 19 December, 2001 02:59 PM
Breastfeeding in public has all sorts of potential for embarrassment, usually when the baby gets distracted and you squirt passersby, but that's the second purposeful lactation story I've heard.
The other involved revenge and coffee.
Thanks for the (inadvertant, I'm sure) chuckle...
:) S
Suzanne :: 19 December, 2001 03:12 PM
Davezilla :: 19 December, 2001 03:22 PM
shel :: 19 December, 2001 05:18 PM
;)
ann :: 19 December, 2001 05:53 PM
Laurie :: 19 December, 2001 09:08 PM
BishBosh :: 19 December, 2001 09:58 PM
[Adds another IP address to the banned list...]
Davezilla :: 19 December, 2001 10:04 PM
Thank God it was only a movie and the offending pong didn't ping me in the head.
Tara :: 20 December, 2001 01:10 AM
;-)
clive :: 20 December, 2001 06:07 AM
Davezilla :: 20 December, 2001 07:12 AM
leslie :: 20 December, 2001 09:29 AM
We had a similar ID technique except we used Krylon spray to mimic the lamination.
Davezilla :: 20 December, 2001 11:13 AM
*sniff* I'm getting all patriotic now... I think I'll go wrap a whore in a Canadian flag and sing God Save the Queen.
Dave :: 20 December, 2001 03:43 PM
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