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November 17, 2001 :: "Every day on the green sphere"

The phone rang. It was Jocelyn, all excited. “David! What are you doing? Turn on UPN, they have an American version of Iron Chef with William Shatner.” [pause] “You watch Iron Chef right?”

“Umm, no what’s Iron Chef?” She explained briefly about this crazy show that started in Japan where chefs face off and try to prepare five dishes from one main ingredient under a time constraint. Then she told me that with William Shatner hosting, this should prove to be pretty damn amusing.

As usual, she was right.

Shatner, clad in a vest that would make a Ming dynasty Mandarin jealous, was referred to throughout the show as The Chairman. Apparently he missed being called Captain. Two men in mustard-colored Century 21 blazers served as WWF-style commentators. Men are good at being sports commentators; we naturally excel at it. I think we need to draw the line at covering cooking events. These men had the most inane comments. I am certain they have never seen anyone cook anything before. The crowd however, loved them and never stopped screaming.

Some insightful commentary:

“Now look, they seem to be using Sea Urchin for that soup.”
“Sea Urchin. Explain to me what a Sea Urchin is.”

“He’s prepared a beautiful gateau.”
“Is that the flat, layer thingie?”

“Wait look, The Chairman is taking a sample taste of the caviar! Is he allowed to do that?”
“He’s The Chairman. He can do whatever he wants.”

“What’s he building? Is that a Crab Condo? He’s — he’s building a Crab Condo!”

“Is that real ice or is that glass?”
“Umm it’s real ice.”
“Really? Wow.”

“I just want to see Brandi eating again. I’d pay a buck to see that. Can we see Brandi eating in slow motion?”

“How did you get that hole in the center of that crab?”
“With a knife.”
“I guess it’s not for me to understand the ways of these master chefs. I would never have thought of that.”

Best of all were these gems from The Chairman himself:

“The idea came to me one year ago today. Cooking. Two men against each other. Mano y mano. Totally rad.”

“Appreciate every day on the green sphere.”

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He said. She said. There’s 11 Comments

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ha! what a total freak. i can totally picture captain kirk saying that which is scary.
guppy :: 17 November, 2001 09:57 AM

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The show was a pretty faithful, but campy, adaptation of the japanese original, but it was perfumed with the stench of professional wrestling too, wasn't it? my favorite part was when they introduced the italian iron chef as the italian scallion.
Bob the Corgi :: 17 November, 2001 10:58 AM

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HAHAHHA! I missed that part. How tacky.
Davezilla :: 17 November, 2001 07:22 PM

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I didn't bother with this, as I heard that if you're anything of a fan of the (brilliant) original, this would sadden and infuriate you. Matt Haughey summed it up pretty well on his site the other day.
Todd :: 18 November, 2001 02:11 AM

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I have never seen the original so I can’t claim any fan status. I’ve only had cable for a few weeks so I still am catching up on everyone’s in-jokes about shows. I just don’t care too much for TV in general.

I just read Matt’s summation and I am pretty much in agreement with him. I didn’t have to see the original to be able to tell that this was a silly Americanized event. It’s a dumb show [the American version] and I’m glad I got to make fun of it.
Davezilla :: 18 November, 2001 10:55 AM

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i think you can make the assumption that anything syndicated on the UPN network is meant to be campy. i agree with you, dave.
jocelyn :: 19 November, 2001 10:59 AM

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I haven't seen either version(original or UPN "lite"), but I've heard that the yellow jackets resemble the Wild World of Sports outfits. Way to go - bring back early 80's fashion now!
Jon :: 19 November, 2001 11:02 AM

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How long until somebody cracks jokes like;

"Its worse than that, its bread Jim"
"I'm a chef, not a bricklayer"
"There's crabcakes on the starboard plate"
"You cannae change the laws of cuisine"

Highly illogical.
D :: 19 November, 2001 12:06 PM

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Is he alllowed to say "rad"?
Ilsa :: 19 November, 2001 12:16 PM

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“It’s that damn Vulcan oxblood Jim.”
Davezilla :: 19 November, 2001 04:45 PM

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"Scotty, I need the oven on at 220 degrees in three minutes or we're all dead"
D :: 20 November, 2001 07:23 AM

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