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November 01, 2001 :: "“Get your hands off me, you damned dirty apes!”"
I love quotes and quoting. When one has not the proper means of saying a thing, surely, someone else has said it better before. I find myself stealing movie quotes from time to time. I’d like to share some of my favorites, and how I use them. Please share yours with the class.
Mind you, I try not to use obvious, overused quotes, such as those from the Wizard of Oz, Monty Python and the Holy Grail or Terminator 2. Also, I feel that anyone who uses the quote, “Show me the money,” deserves a speedy trial and a hasty death.
From Men in Black:
In response to: “Sorry I didn’t get [some important task] done in time for you...”
I reply with: “The only thing pulling its weight around here is my goddamned truck!”
In response to: “This is what we’d like to pay for [X freelance project].”
I reply with: “Your proposal ... is acceptable.”
In response to: “What did you think of our new Powerpoint presentation?”
I reply with: “That rates about a 9 on my Weird Shit-O-Meter.”
In response to: “Did you see the pens that Delphi is giving away at their booth?”
I reply with: “When do I get my own flashy, memory messer-upper thingie?”
In response to: “We’re having a party next door. Hope it doesn’t disturb you.”
I reply with: “We’re not hosting an inter-galactic kegger down here.”
In response to: “God don’t you ever sleep?”
I reply with: “The twins keep us on Centaurian time. It’s a 37 hour day. You’ll get used to it. Or suffer a psychotic breakdown.”
From The Exorcist:
In response to: “Do that again.”
I reply with: “It would be much too vulgar a display of my power.”
From Exorcist III:
In response to: “I’m here to fix your laser printer.”
I reply with: “You’re not the radio repairman!”
In response to: “Oh dude. I totally went fishing this weekend.”
I reply with: “My mother-in-law brought home a carp. It’s a tasty fish; I’ve nothing against it.”
From Hellraiser:
In response to: “You’re not mad at me, are you?”
I reply with: “Your screams will be legendary. Even in Hell.”
In response to: “I can’t believe I drank so much last night!”
I reply with: “So willing to play ... so reluctant to admit it.”
In response to: “What happens if we can’t get your check on time?”
I reply with: “We’ll tear your soul apart.”
[This one works amazingly well]
From Silence of the Lambs:
In response to: “This weather makes my hands so dry.”
I reply with: “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”
From Ghostbusters:
In response to: “Oh you have exact change! Great.”
I reply with: “When the light is green, the trap is clean!”
Please share your quotes. Just remember, any quotes from Jerry Maguire, T2 or any movie with Pauly Shore will be promptly deleted.
Thank you — The Management
so dave, what do you use the planet of the apes quote for?
In response to: I'm sorry, but I can only give you ten percent salary increase.
Mine are pretty much all Simpsons quotes. Whenever someone asks me to help them write something, I bust out with Santa's Little Helper: "CHEWY?"
In response to:
In response to: How's the temperature outside today?
Oh that “slice of heaven” one is excellent! I gotta remember that one.
From Pulp Fiction:
"You know, for kids!" - from The Hudsucker Proxy. Useful in lots of situations, especially those times when you've just said something that is met with a blank stare of incomprehension or disbelief.
Whenever I do something stupid at work or around the house I like to use the classic (from Homer Simpson) "I am Smart, S-M-R-T."
In response to: Someone who is just running off at the mouth, or a fine way to end a business meeting:
I find that the line, "I have DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY" works from time to time....name the movie!
In response to: Get this done now
"When you start out depressed, everything's kind of a pleasant surprise"
Amy...is that quote from Lethal Weapon2? In which Mel delivers the classic..."Oh, no I'm Chaos, he's Meyhem, we're a team act, what are we required reading?"
Someone states the obvious in a given situation.
In response to a wrong answer... any wrong answer...
Kevin -- was that show you're talking about with Bill Nye called "Almost Live"? If so, that show had many other redeeming qualities after its initial host left, such as "Mind your Manners, with Billy Kwan!" and "Speeeeeeedwalker!"
In response to anything that ends with “And I mean it!”
Whenever my considerable powers are called into question, I remember the hallowed words of my hero, Randall.
When offered food or beverage:
there was this ONE time i said "God Bless You" to someone when they sneezed, and I got read the riot act because this person was a non-believer...so now...i use..
Kevin, your retelling of "it was a tiger" cracked me up. I've been sitting here, clawing quietly to myself. [not to mention that I (heart) Bill Nye.]
For accusations I find petty, I reply with, "Nurse Ratched, please don't tell my mother!"
And from Harvey:
In response to finding out that I have been foiled by time (ie. just missed by tickets for a sold out show): "Khan!" while shaking fist at the air (Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan)
In response to " Mom Matts bugging Me"
Kevin, you rock!
When asked a stupid question:
Buffy does indeed have some great quotes. One of my favorites which I posted some time back:
GeekMan: How could I have forgotten The Princess Bride? Inconceivable!
Hee!
In response to any inane ramblings:
Nah, I'm talking Buffy the Vampire Slayer MOVIE, starring Kristy Swanson, from back in the day. Much different from the TV show, but both are very quotable.
Ok, I am intensely referential so there's no way I could make a meaningful list but there's one that gets me odd looks from the Cantina scene in the original Star Wars. When that gnarly criminal guy at the bar is harrassing Luke, telling him how dangerous he is, and Luke says, "I'll be careful." The criminal replies, "You'll be DEAD!" But when *I* say that in response to "I'll be careful," people look at me like I'm insane. On the other hand, Obi-Wan does not at this point hack off my arm with a lightsaber, so I guess I shouldn't complain so much.
I quote a lot of movies and tv shows, but none have given me more opportunity to sound like an idiot than Star Wars.
In response to crappy relatives showing up: "They're heeeee-re." Which we all know is from Poltergeist. Another good one from that film is to use "Don't go into the light Carol-Anne when anyone (especially men) are about to do something really fucking stupid.
Funny, I said that to Dave just last night.
She did. You’re psychic Amy. People I am shocked. No John Waters? No Mallrats, Clerks or Dogma? No Beetlejuice?
i can often be heard saying "this place is so confusing" and "can i borrow your underwear for 10 minutes?" (both from sixteen candles.)
to anyone trying to keep me on my toes:
Dave> Did you not see my previous clerks post?
Sorry, I missed that. I see it now Dr. Jones.
whenever i drop something or make some loud startling noise by accident, i usually say: "Was that me?" (Chevy Chase from Spies Like Us)
When anybody comments on my state of happiness or unhappiness...ie...you look cheerful, or you look like shit....I always say, "It's the sunshine. Get's me down." (Joe vs. the Volcano)
An all-purpose favorite:
In reply to: Anyone getting on your last nerve...
I don't expect anyone to ever read this but after seeing 'The One' last night I have a new favorite quote.
He said. She said. There’s 47 Comments
pike street :: 01 November, 2001 12:49 AM
Reply: The horror...the horror. (Apocalypse Now)
In response to: I'm happy to announce that I'm giving you a thirty percent salary increase.
Reply: Yippie kay-yay, motherf--ker! (Die Hard)
In response to: Why don't you ever go to family reunions?
Reply: Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. (Arsenic and Old Lace)
In response to: This is my cat Binky. And this is my dog Trevor. They get along so well.
Reply: Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria! (Ghostbusters)
In response to: Hehehe. Becky, you're so funny.
Reply: What do you mean, I'm funny?...You mean the way I talk? What?...Funny how? I mean, what's funny about it?...But I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to f--kin' amuse you? What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How'm I funny??...How the f--k am I funny? What the f--k is so funny about me? Tell me? Tell me what's funny! (Goodfellas)
Becky :: 01 November, 2001 02:09 AM
Todd :: 01 November, 2001 04:29 AM
Reply: No time for love, Dr. Jones (Clerks, originally from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)
bryan :: 01 November, 2001 07:20 AM
I say: "Gosh, it's hot." from Bugs Bunny meeta the Abominable snowman
If it's time to leave, I say: "Weeeeeelllllll, goodbye" or " Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven - cause it hasn't." Both from Bugs Bunny and the hairy orange monster (Gossamer)
pman :: 01 November, 2001 07:56 AM
Davezilla :: 01 November, 2001 08:06 AM
In response to any blatantly wrong answer
I reply: "Check out the big brain on Brad!"
In response to thirst
I reply: "Might I have a sip of your tasty beverage?"
In response to: "Yeah, I like that thing that everyone else likes just because everyone else likes it."
I reply: "You dig it the most, baby."
This one's a little long. There was this horrible sketch show on whose only redeeming value was that a young Bill Nye (you know, the science guy) was on it. They had ONE great sketch. It was a Jeopardy-esque show and they were down the the last question. The host gave them the challenge of explaining their theory of the JFK assassination in 10 seconds or less. The first two contestants weighed in with stammered summations of their theories and lost. When they got to Bill Nye, he held his hands out like claws and said, "It was a tiger." and clawed at the air. SO... with that excellent setup:
In response to: "Why did this thing happen? I need an answer now to this complex problem but can't give you time to do any research, so tell me right now."
I reply: "It was a tiger" ::claw claw::
Kevin :: 01 November, 2001 09:15 AM
Natalie :: 01 November, 2001 09:23 AM
"Here's to alcohol, the cause of... and solution to most of life's problems."
When demonstrating to my students how to work a computer mouse its:
"Wax on, wax off..." (Karate Kid)
and what day would be complete with out at least use of the Dave Thomas classic from Happy Gilmore..."You Suck, You Jackass!!!"
Patrick :: 01 November, 2001 09:31 AM
"..and that's all I have to say about that..." (Forest Gump)
In response to someone feverishly waving their hands in the air to get your attention: "...why that's Leiutenant Dan...Hello, Leiutentant Dan!!!" (Forest Gump)
Your Bro (again) :: 01 November, 2001 09:38 AM
Amy :: 01 November, 2001 09:59 AM
"DIR YESD DIR!" (Major Payne)
In response to: Great job on this layout.
"Well I make do with what I have to work with" (Bagger Vance)
In Response to: what is the comibnation to the storeroom
The combination is 1 2 3 4 5, (Space Balls)
In Response to: Is this ok?
And you know thissssss Man (Friday)
In Response to: Got any more candy
That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs."
J_dogg43 :: 01 November, 2001 10:13 AM
--Lloyd Dobler, "Say Anything"
czarownica :: 01 November, 2001 10:36 AM
Patrick :: 01 November, 2001 10:49 AM
I reply (in my best Cary Grant): "well, you are just a MESS of intuition" (The Philadelphia Story)
Someone catches me doing something rather embarassing.
My shrill response: "Don't you fucking look at me! Don't you fucking look at me!" (Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet)
Someone lets me in on their latest conspiracy theory.
I say: "The owls are not what they seem." (The Log Lady from Twin Peaks)
Also, it wasn't until Michael and I saw an old Charles Boyer movie that we realized where Mel Blanc got the idea for Pepe Le Pew's voice from. Sometimes when M and I part, one of us will say, in our best uberfromage french accent: "I'll be here, waiting, and in love with you ..." (Boyer saying goodbye to Ingrid Bergman in Gaslight)
ok, I'll stop now. yikes.
ari :: 01 November, 2001 11:00 AM
"Excellent guess, Kreskin! Wrong, but excellent!"
source: Space Quest VI
darren :: 01 November, 2001 11:00 AM
;)
Darren :: 01 November, 2001 11:03 AM
“Anybody want a peanut?” (Princess Bride)
When saying goodbye.
“Have fun storming the castle.” (Princess Bride)
Whenever significant other tells you to do something you don’t want to.
“As you wish.” (Princess Bride)
When receiving food of any kind
“Mongo like candy.” (Blazing Saddles)
When someone says, “I didn’t mean to say that.”
“It’s irreversible, like my raincoat.” (Spaceballs)
In response to “You expect me to do [whatever they’re expected to do]?”
“No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.” (Goldfinger)
In response to “Surely, you can’t be serious.”
“I am serious. And stop calling me Shirley.” (Airplane)
Anytime you spill a drink on yourself.
“I have a drinking problem.” (Airplane)
Anytime someone giving you directions says, “Bear left.”
“Right frog.” (Muppet Movie)
Whenever faced with two equally distasteful choices.
“Pop quiz, Hotshot. [State the choices] What do you do? What. Do. You. Do? (Speed)
And I’ve got tons more, but I’ll end this madness with one of my all-time favorite quotes that seems to always find a way into a conversation.
“Huh. Your Kung-Fu – is pretty good. But still – my Llama’s Claw technique will defeat you.”
::launch silly attack::
GeekMan :: 01 November, 2001 11:48 AM
"Do you want to be leader?"
"No! We agreed no leader!"
"Right, so shut up and do as I say."
-Time Bandits
liquidgnome :: 01 November, 2001 12:24 PM
"Yes, have some." (Ghostbusters)
When confronted by a rude person:
"Nice MANNERS, babe!" (Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles)
For use at any inappropriate time:
"Go banana!" (Ralphie Wiggums, The Simpsons)
holli :: 01 November, 2001 12:28 PM
(from Seinfeld)
You are sooooooo good lookin'
:O)
jen :: 01 November, 2001 12:48 PM
Natalie -- I use "you know, for kids!" ALL the time.
A couple more:
as general agreement, particularly but not necessarily when someone has said, "They do, don't they":
"Yes they do, don't they?" (Philadelphia Story)
(it's an inflection thing. Trust me. Drunk Jimmy Stewart can be fun.)
After any mention of doing "something constructive":
"What did you have in mind, a short, blunt human pyramid?" (Rosencrantz and Guildernstern Are Dead -- it's in the play version, I don't remember if it was in the movie or not.)
to a sig other who's digging themselves a hole or otherwise talking sans intermission:
"Peace, I shall stop thy mouth." [followed by appropriate action, of course] (Much Ado About Nothing)
JessaJune :: 01 November, 2001 12:54 PM
Mike :: 01 November, 2001 12:58 PM
In response to: "What's that?"
I reply: "Why, it's a Pooka!"
In response to: "Where are you going?"
I reply: "To Akron. I've always wanted to go to Akron, lie under a tree with a case of beer and have a pretty woman stroke my hand and say, 'Poor dear, poor dear.'" (that's not it exactly, but it's close. I've gotten some great looks for that one).
And from Real Genius:
In response to nothing in particular
I reply: "In the immortal words of Socrates, 'I drank what?'"
In response to anybody's date story
I reply: "Did you DO it with her?" (have to do it in that accusatory Wisconsin accent too, or it's just rude).
From The Eigth Day (which is great):
In response to Genesis 1 (or any of the "on the X day, God created Y"
I reply: "And on the eigth day, God created George." (oh forget it, go see the movie... I really gotta get me one of these comment thingies)
Kevin :: 01 November, 2001 01:26 PM
Jessica :: 01 November, 2001 01:59 PM
I reply:"Well theres a big surprise!I'm going to have a heart-attack and die from that surprise!" Aladdin
In response to an ass "You sir are an ass" James and the giant peach
judy :: 01 November, 2001 02:28 PM
Also from Harvey, at any inappropriate time:
"Beer is better."
GeekMan, you rock too!
Also at any inappropriate time:
"Inconceivable!"
Penny :: 01 November, 2001 03:17 PM
"Does the word 'duh' mean anything to you?" (Buffy the Vampire Slayer - movie)
Actually, the Buffy movie has to be one of the all-time great overlooked mines of one liners:
"You ruined my new jacket!" (to underling) "Kill him a lot!"
"It's WAY past medication time for you, buddy."
"Does Elvis talk to you? Does he tell you to do things? Do you... see spots?"
And wrap up any explanation with:
"...so I've got THAT going for me, which is nice." (Caddyshack)
holli :: 01 November, 2001 03:21 PM
Willow (on coffee): “It’s the non-relationship drink of choice. It’s not a date, it’s a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it’s hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but...”
Davezilla :: 01 November, 2001 03:32 PM
"Have fun storming the castle!" is a long-time favourite, when people are leaving on trips, for lunch, etc.
To whiny people: "Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
To someone who's pissing me off (usually someone who's being annoying on purpose): "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Natalie :: 01 November, 2001 03:36 PM
These are mine....
IN response to: Gross misuse of power... (ie, boss... govt officials...state troopers and speed traps...)
Responding: "WE is SMART! WE have power!" Star Trek...
In response to: Beckoning husband to fetch something for me
Responding: "FARM BOY! Fetch me that pitcher...." Princess Bride..
In response to: "It was an accident."
Responding:"What, you tripped and your d*** just happened to end up in my wife?" Bruce Willis in Last Boyscout.... thats not quite right though.......
IN response to: Someone yelling threatening
Responding: "Bark, bark a Goldfish" Harlan Ellison Wait... thats not a movie.. oh well its a good one....
I have more, but I am bad wtih names and cant remember where I heard them...lol
Talis :: 01 November, 2001 04:51 PM
Where did they teach you to talk like this? At some Panama City sailor-wanna-hump-hump bar, or is this getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else...we're all stocked up here. (As Good As It Gets)
There's always some Seinfeld things that pops out of my mouth.
"But I don't wanna be a pirate."
"Maybe the dingo ate your bay-bay."
"George is gettin' upset!"
the other michael :: 01 November, 2001 05:03 PM
Willow from the show gets all the best lines. One of my favorites that they were using in commercials recently:
"I doodle. I do. I do doodle. You do doodle too."
Since we're talking great quotes from that show, here's one for any situation that seems impossible:
"We're gonna need a bigger boat."
(Zander quoting Jaws... I love a show that makes references to other pop culture genres)
holli :: 01 November, 2001 06:10 PM
Phineas :: 01 November, 2001 07:18 PM
When a boss tells me over and over again about a deadline: "I find your lack of faith disturbing"
When the coffee-grubbing person I hate comes in my office: "I felt a great disturbance in the force"
When one of my kids says they can't do a certain task: "Use the force, Luke"
When someone cracks a dumb joke at my expense: "Laugh it up fuzzball"
When I am about to call the Clerk's office and raise hell: "Fear will keep the local systems in line"
When someone is going through my desk looking for something that doesn't belong to them: "These are not the droids you're looking for"
When my boss catches me leaving early: "But I was going to Toshi station to pick up some power converters" (said with a whine)
And a quote to throw out at any random time to ensure that everyone thinks you are nuts:
"Freeze, you rebel scum!"
Jesus, I am such a geek.
michele :: 01 November, 2001 07:35 PM
Amy Allen :: 01 November, 2001 07:45 PM
michele :: 01 November, 2001 07:57 PM
Davezilla :: 01 November, 2001 08:12 PM
"you got me hotter than georgia asphalt" (wild at heart) and "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" from wizard of oz also come in come in quite handy.
miss b :: 01 November, 2001 08:48 PM
"a census taker once tried to test me... i ate his liver... with some fava beans, and a nice chianti... fsthfsthfsthfsth!"
bwg :: 01 November, 2001 10:12 PM
bryan :: 02 November, 2001 07:20 AM
Davezilla :: 02 November, 2001 08:31 AM
michaelbrown :: 02 November, 2001 10:57 AM
And I'm also fond of "Nobody feels good after childhood. It's a fact of life." Also from Joe Vs. The Volcano.
PixelFish :: 02 November, 2001 01:36 PM
"There was one?" (Stripes)
For use in any tidying up, copyediting, generally improvifying sitchfycation:
"This house/copy/etc. is CLEAN. Now let's go get your dawter. (Poltergeist)
Showcase :: 02 November, 2001 01:53 PM
Response: The only good human, is a DEAD human! (Planet of the Apes)
In reply to: Your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/whatever who's feeling a little naughty...
Response: No time for the old in-out in-out love, just here to read the meter! (A Clockwork Orange)
everchill :: 02 November, 2001 02:15 PM
At any inappropriate time, or after someone says the word "bitch".
"I am Yu Law! I am nobody's bitch! You are mine."
BTW, The One is a horrible movie that can be a lot of fun if you're in the right mood. Or really drunk/stoned/naturally stupid. I'm naturally stupid, so I laughed like a madman.
GeekMan :: 03 November, 2001 12:51 PM
All material is ©2001 Dave Linabury. All rights reserved.