last "Is that a monkey on your back?" :: Current :: next "Great. Another thing to be afraid of."
October 10, 2001 :: "Wiped out"
It started raining briefly the other day and I noticed it again.
Whenever I am driving, I find myself compelled to check the wiper speeds of drivers around me. This ensures that I have mine set at the socially acceptable speed for the current amount of rainfall. Apparently I distrust my own judgement on this matter and will always defer to others.
That is, until I notice that they have something tacky on their dashboard which, as we all know, instantly invalidates their opinion. Then I need to check the next available driver for reassurance.
Once I am satisfied that I have reached the elusive wiper-speed nirvana that is currently in vogue, I can’t leave well enough alone.
I need to start messing with it.
I blame the auto industry of course. Engineers who are assigned the lowly task of designing windshield wipers are considered less prestigious than say, powertrain engineers.
To compensate for this career shortcoming, wiper engineers have seen fit to make our lives miserable by adding choices to the task of clearing our windshields. On and off wasn’t enough. They added slow, medium and fast. Still not good enough. How about intermittent? “No no, that’s too good for them,” they said over stale donuts and burnt coffee. “They’ll acclimate to that like a horned toad on a hot rock. I know! Give them ten choices of intermittent speeds. It’ll be like herding cats. They’ll never be able to decide.”
They congratulated themselves on this small victory and dreamed of the days when they would be recognized as leaders in the wiper technology field.
Now you see my quandary. Is anyone else suffering from this affliction, or is it just me?
It's NOT just you. I am SO relieved to find out I'm not the only insecure dweeb without the cajones to choose my own wiper speed and stand by it!
I think it IS you Dave. I've seen you tooting around Royal Oak in your truck. I always thought you were checking ME out. Now I know the truth. You're only interested in my pair of wipers.
Well, I AM secure enough to pick my own wiper speed. However, I'm not secure enough to stay with it once I've picked it. It's like flipping channels: you always think there's a better setting out there somewhere, if only you could find it.
No, I'm just snobby enough to look around and say "*that person* is on the *wrong* speed".
Oh so you’re the guy whose wiper speed I am desperately trying to emulate?
It's just you. No, really.
Spoiled bastard, with your variable speed wipers.
When you drive as fast as I do, the rain never has a chance to hit the windshield.
If you all would try and dodge the rain drops with your cars, you all wouldn't have that windshield wiper insecurity. Just a thought!
Wipers are for wimps. It's more fun to drive blindly through the rain.
I've never looked to others, even when I did have a car with variable speed wipers... I well recall the days when I was easily confused by the vast amount of options.
I've often wondered why everybody else runs their wipes so damn fast. It never even occured to me that mine might be too slow.
What about the smart wipers that determine their speed according to sensors and even turn on and off for you?
Smart wipers are anything but. I’ve tried those things a dozen times. They’re just awful. My first experience with them was in a torrential downpour on I-696. At times the wipers were confronted with so much rain that they gave up. Then, just as I’d dive for the manual override, they spring to life. For three seconds. It was too dangerous and I kept them on manual.
I'd suggest TextEdit as the text reader. It has HTML-to-Mac and PC-to-Mac formatting capabilities, and I haven't noticed any size limitations.
Actually I just made the vibrating glass thing up. Feel free to try it, though.
No you didn’t make it up. Vibrating windshields exist, on paper at least, but not on any production vehicles. One area that is exploring vibrational technology heavily is in so-called smart offices. The desks will “understand” where you like everything kept and during lull moments can use intelligent vibrational technology to move everything back where it should be. Self-cleaning. Yeah right.
So you're saying there's a desk that will recognize that I never put my car keys in the same place twice, & hide them from me so I don't have to hide them from myself? How wonderful!
That’s what I’m thinking. For the compulsively neat, this is a wonderful thing. For those off us who actually work, it’s terrible. My desk is under a constant sea of projects. maybe it could just ... send them all to the circular file.
He said. She said. There’s 19 Comments
Miriam :: 10 October, 2001 10:36 AM
:(
Amy Allen :: 10 October, 2001 11:01 AM
JessaJune :: 10 October, 2001 12:10 PM
As opposed to being on the right speed. It all depends on your supplier.
Jon :: 10 October, 2001 01:33 PM
Davezilla :: 10 October, 2001 02:53 PM
maggie :: 10 October, 2001 03:44 PM
Some of use aren't lucky enough to have variable speed wipers... we're either too fast, or way. too. slow.
Sometimes I have to resort to manually switching the wipers on and off to get the desired interval.
Variable speed Bastard.
darren :: 10 October, 2001 05:11 PM
As for the SimpleText thing, I dunno. I've wondered that for some time now. I tend to use my BBEdit Lite for opening or copying small text documents.
Brad :: 10 October, 2001 06:28 PM
Jon Hider :: 10 October, 2001 07:29 PM
michele :: 10 October, 2001 08:10 PM
Of course, now I only have squeaky wipers with TWO settings: Too Damn Slow and Too Damn Fast. ::grumbles about GM::
tracy :: 10 October, 2001 08:55 PM
Chris :: 10 October, 2001 10:06 PM
Then there's that vibrating-glass windshield that doesn't need wiping 'cause it's so dern fast the water just forms a perfectly clear film on the outside of the glass.
Of course, I ride a motorcycle.
TC :: 11 October, 2001 04:17 AM
I haven’t used the vibrating windshields yet, so I have no snarky criticisms for them.
Davezilla :: 11 October, 2001 08:27 AM
Jon :: 11 October, 2001 10:54 AM
TC :: 11 October, 2001 11:24 AM
Davezilla :: 11 October, 2001 01:12 PM
kd :: 11 October, 2001 05:12 PM
Davezilla :: 11 October, 2001 06:24 PM
All material is ©2001 Dave Linabury. All rights reserved.