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September 21, 2001 :: "The contents of Mariah Carey’s brain during the America: A tribute to heroes telethon"
Oh my Gawd it’s really happening! This telethon thingie is gonna rock! I was all “You love me!” to my manager [such a lamb!] when he told me to do this. It’s for some New Yorkers that are sick or something. All I know is everybody I know will be there to take MY picture. Paaaaaar-tee!
I love this fucking dress! Look at them. Sticking straight out towards Eminem’s heart. Gawd I miss that bitch. He’ll come back. No man can resist these ta-tas. I’ll wear his favorite thong. I’ll tell him it’s my tele-thong! Gawd I am so funny! I gotta write this shit down sometime.
Ooh my hair is looking foin! I’m all kinds of gorgeous. Look better than that skanky-ass Calista Flockhart. Damn somebody get that bitch a plate of ribs.
He’ll hear me singing and he’ll walk up to me and I’ll be all, “Hey Chops,” and he’ll be all, “S’up girl.” And I’ll be all, “You love me,” and he’ll be all, “Shi’ girl.”
Swoon...
He is a complete and total mess without me. Me. Mariah Fucking Carey! Who does that Dré wannabe think he is? Leaving me? I’m Mariah Fucking Carey! I’m a goddamn mother-fucking Goddess is what I am.
Yeah, and hey... I might even do his sorry white ass in the dressing room. “Hey might as well...” No wait. Don’t say it like that. Be strong girl. You’re Mariah Fucking Carey. Tell him how you’ll die for him. Tell him you’re crazy for – no don’t. Can’t come off like that complete and total mess Alie-Anne Heche.
Oh shit. There’s the curtain. Time for me to be an angel. Damn! Is that James Woods? He looking all fine in that rented tux...
Please note that this is a satire. Do not take it seriously or personally.
He said. She said. There’s 16 Comments
mmm, nah. Not real funny sweetie. Altho I certainly appreciate the sentiment. Personally? When Billy Joel started playing it was the first time that I cried. I talked to my friend in NYC and we cried together....
Satire or not, just didn't hit me right tonite.
xoxo, ~K
By Kitty :: September 21, 2001 11:15 PM EST
Hey they can’t all be gems.
By Davezilla :: September 21, 2001 11:18 PM EST
Ha! I didn't know you got to interview celebs and everything!Mariah Fucking Carey!Duuuuuuude.
By Charles :: September 22, 2001 12:54 AM EST
Dave, that's what I keep telling my husband!
;)
~K
By Kitty :: September 22, 2001 01:29 AM EST
never a fan of her, and never will be. Maybe I will change my mind if she share some of her wealth with me or give me good blow jobs.
By tian :: September 22, 2001 05:43 AM EST
ps. and I do mean good blow jobs!
By tian :: September 22, 2001 05:43 AM EST
you think mariah carey would know what the word "swoon" means?
By bakiwop :: September 22, 2001 09:40 AM EST
Oh good point. She would never use that word. I should have written “Daaaay-amn.”
By Davezilla :: September 22, 2001 10:20 AM EST
My opinion? We're overlooking a serious weapon here. Let's send Mariah, with oh, say, John Tesh providing backup, to do some USO-style shows out there in the terrorist camps.
By kd :: September 22, 2001 01:05 PM EST
better tighten up the restraints on her straight jacket real quick...
By everchill :: September 22, 2001 01:33 PM EST
what happened to my post?
By denise :: September 22, 2001 01:43 PM EST
What post? I haven’t deleted any from here?
By Davezilla :: September 22, 2001 03:43 PM EST
i asked if you could mp3 me a copy of you doing a mariah impression. it's entirely possible i f'ed up.
By denise :: September 22, 2001 03:49 PM EST
Your words.
By Davezilla :: September 22, 2001 04:16 PM EST
Dave? I second Denise's suggestion. Let's hear it.
By michele :: September 22, 2001 08:12 PM EST
I think I’d rather hear an apology from Tian for those shitty comments up there.
By Davezilla :: September 22, 2001 09:42 PM EST
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