davezilla.com > current: September 02, 2001: "“Go inna bathroom and drink from the sink!”"

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September 02, 2001 :: "“Go inna bathroom and drink from the sink!”"

OK so I promised content and then I spent the day hanging my new drapes and curtain rod. [sigh] Well it had to be done. Now my place is all purdy like. Where am I going with this? Oh I know.

I was writing at my second office [Starbucks] this morning when in walks Dean. Well, he entered, let’s put it that way. Walking is a term reserved for hunting and gathering primates that have mastered more than merely speech and fire-making.

Dean, Ohiopithecus gluteus, is a barely bipedal proto-hominid with a protuding lower jaw, powerful musk glands and the shambling gait typical of his species. Dean seems to believe himself a local celebrity and insists on ordering his drink as “A grandé Dean.” The girls at the counter hate him and play dumb on purpose. “What is that? I don’t see that on the menu mister.”

They deserve medals for this.

Today Dean treated me to a view of his offspring, a mullet-haired boy of ten. To be fair, the boy seemed highly intelligent. Dean asked his son Troy what he wanted to drink. Troy responded that he would like a bottled water.

“You ain’t gitting nothing like that. You can git water from a hose or a tap dammit. I want to buy you something [Dean has Troy on weekends and feels that buying Troy food is good parenting]. So you’re gitting a Coke or a Hot Chocolate.”

“But Dad, I just want a water. I don’t drink pop [that’s soda to the rest of the country]. Can’t I just get a bottle of water?”

“Dammit no! You want water? Go inna bathroom and drink from the sink. Jeez!” The girl at the counter rolled her eyes and gave Troy a glass of ice water.

Five minutes later Dean shocked me by actually using a bathroom. When he finished doing whatever it was he did in there, his son went in and yelled back, “Dad! Wash your hands!” He was answered with a hand dismissing him.

I’ve never had any children of my own so I am loathe to tell people how to raise their kids. This does not mean I am not just as incensed as a new mother when I see outrageous behavior. This man needs help. Nothing 13,000,000 years of evolution couldn’t solve.

He said. She said. There’s 7 Comments

Why is it the people who shouldn't breed always have the most children? Ever been to a Wal-Mart? Or looked at the audience when a professional wrestling deal is on TV? By Charles :: September 03, 2001 12:07 AM EST

Dave...

If I didn't know better I'd swear you were down here in Texas.

It was the mullet, I think, that sealed it for me... By billy :: September 03, 2001 10:34 AM EST

We can snear at them all we like, but they outnumber us and they dispose of our garbage. Fear the little man. By D :: September 03, 2001 10:44 AM EST

It's interesting how the kid is the one who knows more about life than the father. If he keeps it up by ignoring everything his dad says, that kid'll turn out fine. By charlie :: September 03, 2001 12:25 PM EST

The kid sounds o.k. - he just needs to lose the mullet (and really, can a 10-year-old be held accountable for having bad taste?) By Natalie :: September 03, 2001 02:18 PM EST

What's bad about a mullet? Nothing brightens up my day like a good mullet sighting. By charles :: September 03, 2001 03:41 PM EST

Mullet... ahhhh, reminded me of my "ugly lesbian" experience on Friday night (http://www.public.asu.edu/~tiantang/Calendar/calendar.html)... By tian :: September 03, 2001 09:15 PM EST