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July 07, 2001 :: "How to Drive Your Turtle Insane"
- Tie lighters to each of his feet. Convince him he is Gamera and hurl him like a discus into the nearest brick wall.
- At your next party: Flip him on his back and play Spin the Turtle. Ya gotta kiss the first person he pokes his head out at.
- Put an old army helmet on the ground. Tell your turtle this is his new mate. After two weeks begin screaming at your turtle that, “It’s all your fault she won’t come out of that shell! What did you do to her?”
- Make your turrtle the Grand Marshall of the next parade. Have everyone start yelling that he’s “holding the line up.”
- Turtle shuffleboard. Imagine the possibilities. Hours of senior citizen fun.
- And in Canada? Turtle Curling.
- Take your turtle to the clay pigeon shooting range. Whisper to your pet. “Psst. Doesn’t flying look fun? I bet you could do that.”
- Bring home one of those tacky, shellacked Mexican frog bands. In full view of your turtle, stroke your chin and say, “Hmmm, it needs something...”
- If you have a tortoise, rather than a turtle, toss him in the water anyway explaining that “Ah they’re the same thing aren’t they?”
- Paint Holly Hobbie or Hummel figures all over his shell with waterproof acrylics. They love that.
He said. She said. There’s 3 Comments
In your next friendly game of ice hockey, substitute your turtle for the hockey puck. Let him make new friends with all 12 players on the ice.
By Jon :: July 07, 2001 01:55 PM EST
See "How to drive your cats insane" item #4
By Jon :: July 07, 2001 01:57 PM EST
Oh Dave, you are such an evil boy!
By Amy Allen :: July 09, 2001 12:39 AM EST
