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May 28, 2001 :: "Round Foods"
Many years ago, my sister Lisa introduced us to her fiancé Tim at dinner. She pulled us aside beforehand to prep us with the cryptic statement, “He doesn’t eat round foods — leave it alone.”
Dinner went well. At one point my brother Patrick paused, looked up while swallowing and said, “So Tim. What’s this about you not eating round foods?”
Tim [ blushing ]: Uh... my mother just never cooked round foods. We never ate them.
Pat: Y’know. Round ain’t a food group.
[ At this point Lisa is horrified and stares at the ground. ]
Pat: What exactly constitutes a round food Tim? Do tell.
Tim: Well [ stammers ] like peas and Brussel sprouts. Stuff like that.
Ever since then Patrick and myself have been fascinated by the idea that an entire family would choose to categorize food by shape rather than zoological and botanical classification. Here then, is our interpretation of the Five Food Groups as defined by shape. Feel free to add your own. I may have to add a few more shape categories such as Helicoids [rotini pasta], Klein Bottles [Hershey’s Kisses], Lozenges [Sucrets, Altoids] and Crosscaps [Fortune Cookies].
Five Food Groups
 | Holey [Torus] Group: donuts, Lifesavers, Spaghettios |
 | Boxy [Cube] Group: cheeses, sugar, coffee bricks, ice cubes, Jello Wigglers, tofu |
 | Pointy [Cone] Group: ice cream cones, carrots, parsnips |
 | Round [Spherical] Group: melon balls, oranges, peas, Brussel sprouts, tangelos, meatballs, donut holes, hog testes |
 | Beercan [Cylindrical] Group: beer, sausages, hot dogs, canned soups, rice, cranberry sauce |
He said. She said. There’s 16 Comments
First of all happy memorial day, and what would you put baby food in, especially when it ends up on you instead of inside the baby.
By J_dogg43 :: May 28, 2001 02:17 PM EST
Good question. It begines in the beer can group but on its own it is in the amorphous group of reshapable foods.
By Davezilla :: May 28, 2001 08:11 PM EST
that is one of my favorite.stories.ever.
it also makes me paranoid about indoctinating irrational neurosis on my children, they have such a genetic disadvantage.
By jocelyn :: May 29, 2001 10:15 AM EST
Would it be OK to eat a round food if it were deformed into another shape? Topology, I love ya.
By Jon :: May 29, 2001 04:04 PM EST
i was looking at this last night, and it was so creative, so lovely. topographic?
By Julia :: May 29, 2001 06:11 PM EST
Jon, I may indeed add a section for foods that do not retain their shape. I believe the proper category for that would be non-utonian foods [liquids that do not behave as liquids should]. This would be the Babyfood & pudding group.
By Davezilla :: May 29, 2001 06:32 PM EST
ah spagetti O's :D
By me :: May 29, 2001 07:38 PM EST
recently, my grandma is starting to eat tapioca
By GG :: May 29, 2001 07:39 PM EST
Now, where would hot pockets fit in? They're kinda boxy, but kinda cylindrical, too. Gee, I hate to think that my yummy breakfast delight is a incestous hlaf-breed, maybe there should be a "pocketed" group, too, for hot-pockets, calzones, and choco-tacos.
By Tom :: May 29, 2001 08:31 PM EST
You make an excellent point. Marsupial foods perhaps?
By Davezilla :: May 29, 2001 08:54 PM EST
Ahhh... but if things in cans are in the beercan group, what are we supposed to do with canned peas? :)
By Lionfire :: May 30, 2001 01:46 AM EST
Ever read Microserfs by Douglas Coupland? One of the characters refuses to eat anything but flat food. The sixth group?
By noorman :: May 30, 2001 04:30 AM EST
Canned peas do pose a problem. As do crinkle cut carrots and most things prepared with a Vegematic.
By Davezilla :: May 30, 2001 07:03 AM EST
Probably shouldn't admit this, but I categorise foods by shape as well. I always have.
I love Round food, but I must qualify; Round and Spherical are not one category in Eliseland. I distinguish between the two.
Round = pie, pizza, cookies, sliced cocktail weenies, etc.
Spherical = peas, brussels sprouts, etc.
Round foods are typically fattening. Spherical foods rarely are. That's one of Elise's easy-peasy ways to stay thin -- avoid Round foods. It works. I swear.
By elise :: May 30, 2001 11:33 AM EST
Ah, so Elise you have discovered that like = like in the food world as well.
By Davezilla :: May 30, 2001 12:40 PM EST
I think the answer to Tom's query would be cylindrical - a cylinder with squared edges.
Unfortunately, "Hot Pockets" lost my love when the "Chicken and Cheddar" version became "Chicken and green squishy gunk that doesn't taste good with chicken". I defy you stars!
Thanks Dave, for the language lesson. I'll have to stick that word into conversation.
By Jon :: May 31, 2001 09:55 AM EST
