Comments on: How to read a real estate ad http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/ Come for the clean humor. Stay for the filthy comments. Wed, 01 Feb 2012 14:27:57 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: junkman http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/comment-page-1/#comment-637187 junkman Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:37:14 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/?p=4050#comment-637187 pligg? :?: pligg? :?:

]]> By: pligg.com http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/comment-page-1/#comment-637183 pligg.com Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:33:49 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/?p=4050#comment-637183 <strong>Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments - How to read a Real Estate Ad...</strong> Decoding real estate advertisements.... Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments – How to read a Real Estate Ad…

Decoding real estate advertisements….

]]> By: Timm http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/comment-page-1/#comment-637182 Timm Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:27:32 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/?p=4050#comment-637182 Natural Ventilation = Cracks in walls due to house sinking into old coal mine.(mine subsidence) Natural Ventilation = Cracks in walls due to house sinking into old coal mine.(mine subsidence)

]]> By: junkman http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/comment-page-1/#comment-637173 junkman Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:52:07 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/?p=4050#comment-637173 lux interior-cramped riparian rights-evicted former nazi tenants huge tracts of land-tits heritage home-you are going to be stuck in this old piece of shit for the rest of your life because the town won't let you fix it, tear it down, renovate......and as such....no one wants it cuz it's a fucking 250 year old throw up in an over priced market and it's main selling feature is that it was owned by the original shoemaker in town 200 years ago. great...invite your fucking erudite friends over for fondue and kirsch and discuss current events by the sooty tin can wood stove as rain falls through the quaint brown vagina in the ceiling. don't hit your head on the crooked 5 ft. high bathroom door lintel before you lower yourself onto a bottomless chamber pot to drop a cheese log into a hole dug by early french explorers. fresh well water from the spring fed pond the carpet cleaners backing onto the lot have created is active year round. you will always be sleeping on a slant. you can sit on a rocking chair and look through the warbled front window and sew a patch on your pants thanking god you're not a hobo even though the wind is blowing through your hair like you were riding a boxcar at top speed straight to goddam nowhere. the milkman died on your lawn 40 years ago and they buried him right there next to the 19 pets, one of whom bit his leg. 1 by 1 your friends will leave you because they can no longer bear the dishonour of agreeing with you that you were smart to pick this house up for a swan's song. eventually your body takes on the smell of 200 years worth of stink foot as you live into the shoe maker's dream of home ownership and take on his discarded mantle (which was hanging on a peg on the back of the basement door). your hip will break of it's own accord. yours eyes will cross. the floor will creak all your problems with every footfall. a steal at only $485,000.00. lux interior-cramped
riparian rights-evicted former nazi tenants
huge tracts of land-tits
heritage home-you are going to be stuck in this old piece of shit for the rest of your life because the town won’t let you fix it, tear it down, renovate……and as such….no one wants it cuz it’s a fucking 250 year old throw up in an over priced market and it’s main selling feature is that it was owned by the original shoemaker in town 200 years ago. great…invite your fucking erudite friends over for fondue and kirsch and discuss current events by the sooty tin can wood stove as rain falls through the quaint brown vagina in the ceiling. don’t hit your head on the crooked 5 ft. high bathroom door lintel before you lower yourself onto a bottomless chamber pot to drop a cheese log into a hole dug by early french explorers. fresh well water from the spring fed pond the carpet cleaners backing onto the lot have created is active year round. you will always be sleeping on a slant. you can sit on a rocking chair and look through the warbled front window and sew a patch on your pants thanking god you’re not a hobo even though the wind is blowing through your hair like you were riding a boxcar at top speed straight to goddam nowhere. the milkman died on your lawn 40 years ago and they buried him right there next to the 19 pets, one of whom bit his leg. 1 by 1 your friends will leave you because they can no longer bear the dishonour of agreeing with you that you were smart to pick this house up for a swan’s song. eventually your body takes on the smell of 200 years worth of stink foot as you live into the shoe maker’s dream of home ownership and take on his discarded mantle (which was hanging on a peg on the back of the basement door). your hip will break of it’s own accord. yours eyes will cross. the floor will creak all your problems with every footfall. a steal at only $485,000.00.

]]> By: Lung the Younger http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/comment-page-1/#comment-637168 Lung the Younger Mon, 21 Sep 2009 07:18:59 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/?p=4050#comment-637168 Good highway access = built under an overpass. Stunning alpine views = two miles from Mount St. Helens. Safe neighborhood, regularly patrolled = next to a military base. Strong community spirit = minutemen membership obligatory. Basement rumpus room = living room floor gave out a year ago. Located in an area of peaceful, traditional American values = in Canada. Good highway access = built under an overpass.
Stunning alpine views = two miles from Mount St. Helens.
Safe neighborhood, regularly patrolled = next to a military base.
Strong community spirit = minutemen membership obligatory.
Basement rumpus room = living room floor gave out a year ago.
Located in an area of peaceful, traditional American values = in Canada.

]]> By: Jim http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/comment-page-1/#comment-637161 Jim Sun, 20 Sep 2009 11:51:06 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/?p=4050#comment-637161 Great neighbors = Commune Great neighbors = Commune

]]> By: Davezilla http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/comment-page-1/#comment-637156 Davezilla Sat, 19 Sep 2009 16:39:21 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/?p=4050#comment-637156 [quote comment="637148"]Elegant Living = The price is NOT a typo.[/quote] Nor is it negotiable. [quote comment="637151"]Updated appliances = The appliance colors changed from Avacado Green to Harvest Gold...[/quote] Hey, I moved into that house! 8O [quote comment="637148"]Elegant Living = The price is NOT a typo.[/quote]
Nor is it negotiable.

[quote comment="637151"]Updated appliances = The appliance colors changed from Avacado Green to Harvest Gold…[/quote]
Hey, I moved into that house! 8O

]]> By: Drusky http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/comment-page-1/#comment-637151 Drusky Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:21:57 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/?p=4050#comment-637151 Close to schools = Expect graffiti all over the fences Mature Landscape = The grass is old and dying Wired for alarm system = See 'urban setting' Updated appliances = The appliance colors changed from Avacado Green to Harvest Gold... Fresh paint = It was the easiest way to hide the black mold Move-in ready = The coroner just picked up the <em>previous</em> owners HOA = You will <em><strong>NEVER</strong></em> have a say in what your house & yard look like. <strong><em>EVER...</em></strong> Guest house = Hope you like your in-laws... Split level = Increased homeowner's insurance rates - see "Aunt Bunny fell down the steps!" Close to schools = Expect graffiti all over the fences
Mature Landscape = The grass is old and dying
Wired for alarm system = See ‘urban setting’
Updated appliances = The appliance colors changed from Avacado Green to Harvest Gold…
Fresh paint = It was the easiest way to hide the black mold
Move-in ready = The coroner just picked up the previous owners
HOA = You will NEVER have a say in what your house & yard look like. EVER…
Guest house = Hope you like your in-laws…
Split level = Increased homeowner’s insurance rates – see “Aunt Bunny fell down the steps!”

]]> By: John http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/comment-page-1/#comment-637148 John Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:44:25 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/?p=4050#comment-637148 Quiet Neighbors = Expect a visit from the cops every time you sneeze. Friendly Neighbors = Nosy as hell, but they'll watch your house like a hawk when you're gone. They also have great stories about everyone else in the neighborhood. Just try not to think about what they're telling all of them about you. Elegant Living = The price is NOT a typo. Beach / Lake / Waterfront Access = Tourists will park in your driveway and trample your lawn to use your beach. Good luck trying to kick them out. Pool = Improperly assembled above-ground biology experiment. Probably leaking. In-Ground Pool = Money pit. Expect tons of new "friends" inviting themselves over. Oh, and lawsuits. Hot Tub = The neighbors own binoculars. Quiet Neighbors = Expect a visit from the cops every time you sneeze.
Friendly Neighbors = Nosy as hell, but they’ll watch your house like a hawk when you’re gone. They also have great stories about everyone else in the neighborhood. Just try not to think about what they’re telling all of them about you.
Elegant Living = The price is NOT a typo.
Beach / Lake / Waterfront Access = Tourists will park in your driveway and trample your lawn to use your beach. Good luck trying to kick them out.
Pool = Improperly assembled above-ground biology experiment. Probably leaking.
In-Ground Pool = Money pit. Expect tons of new “friends” inviting themselves over. Oh, and lawsuits.
Hot Tub = The neighbors own binoculars.

]]> By: DougieAce http://www.davezilla.com/2009/09/18/how-to-read-a-real-estate-ad/comment-page-1/#comment-637146 DougieAce Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:47:05 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/?p=4050#comment-637146 Gated Comunity= Neighbors who fear they are far to affluent for the rest of the world.Safe behind a fence they have time to make sure that even your doormat is an allowable exterior color. Gated Comunity= Neighbors who fear they are far to affluent for the rest of the world.Safe behind a fence they have time to make sure that even your doormat is an allowable exterior color.

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