Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Image via Mandy L.

Apparently it’s gross out day on Davezilla. The photo, link and video are all going to make you queasy.

1. Baroque = Broken
2. Casual Living = Your neighbors have a refrigerator on their front lawn
3. Charming = Corners don’t line up. Sagging porch.
4. Country Living = Your street will never see a snow plow.
5. Cozy = Cramped
6. Diverse Wildlife = Raccoons will raid your garbage. Bats will roost in your attic. Coyotes will eat your dog. Bears will eat your children.
7. Urban Setting = Ghetto
8. Family-ready = Previous tenants left toys everywhere
9. Historic = Has ghosts
10. Interesting History = Has murderous ghosts
11. Laid-back Lifestyle = Retirement Community
12. Outdoor fire-pit = Previous owner burned the garage to the ground.
13. Private Drive = All your neighbors were eaten by redneck cannibals
14. Quaint = Outdated
15. Quiet neighbors = Cult compound
16. Scenic View = Adjacent Cemetery
17. Spacious = No windows
18. Starter Home = Cardboard box
19. Tree-lined = Welcome to the jungle
20. Unique Layout = Architect was unlicensed and possibly schizophrenic
21. Waterfront Property = Septic tank backs up in spring

1. Brake tappers.
2. Coffee drinkers who put perform an ongoing series of sugar modifications to their drinks, as if testing them for glucose tolerance.
3. Couples in matching sweaters.
4. Joggers who actually just walk, but pretend to run as soon as another pedestrian approaches, then promptly resume trudging along as soon as they pass them.
5. Customers in restaurants who make so many substitutions to an item, that it becomes an entirely different menu item, but when this is pointed out to them, will argue that their substitutions are clearly superior.
6. Businesspeople who think spinning text in their Powerpoint presentations makes them edgy. And worse, that it improves the presentation. Sorry, but until Powerpointless becomes SecondLife, it ain’t gonna be entertaining. At all. Just stop before Edward Tufte head butts you.
7. People who refuse to drink draft Guinness in the US because it was, “so much better in Ireland, that I can barely tolerate it here,” but then proceed to drink cat-piss like Coors or Miller.
8. The coworker who sings to herself all day. Loudly.
9. The person who just took the last whatever-it-is-you-desperately-needed right in front of you.
10. Kanye West

Who do you dislike this week?