Things I Learned from Movies: Vampires
- They never check a vampire for ID
- Likewise, no one asks child vampire why they aren’t in school
- The DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) never seems to notice that vampires are about 2,000 years too old to drive. Oh wait, they OWN the DMVs.
- Vampires exist by hard and fast rules. Once you turn, that’s it. Unless you’re in love with a good-looking human. Then you can return to the living by being nice.
- Becoming a vampire isn’t like a tattoo where it’s there forever. You can opt out. Just kill the lead vampire, and you can go back to being drab.
- Lead vampires are ancient, unstoppable and European that yearn for the “old ways”. Younger vampires are brash Americans with sophisticated technology.
- Being a vampire is great for your hair. As soon as you bite a victim, it’s coiffed, teased out and even gets some colors and highlights.
- If you’re a male vampire, and you suck a guy’s neck, it’s totally not gay at all. You get to call outs.
- If you’re a female vampire biting a female human however, it’s still lesbian and you’ll both end up naked in bed, cause that shit’s hot
What have you learned about vampires?
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Sparkling vampires? Why not just make it a musical and one could be a disco ball.
There is always one “good” vamp.
homo homoeroticism runs rampant in their society.
Sorry, I st st stut stuttered on homoeroticism.
well homo homoeroticism is extra french and gay.
I like their neat retractible teeth
all new vampires have a learning curve assisted by their 600 year old teacher
Said teacher is suave and sophistcated
[quote comment="632955"]I like their neat retractible teeth
all new vampires have a learning curve assisted by their 600 year old teacher
Said teacher is suave and sophistcated[/quote]
And somehow, the teacher can turn a newbie into a pro in a few weeks, despite having spent centuries perfecting the methods.
Everything I ever needed to know about Vampires I learned from Christopher Moore in his book Love Sucks.
A vampire can gain his soul back either by a curse or through a series of trials.
Never fall in love with a slayer. It won’t last.
Somehow (though it’s never explained) two vampires can have a human child, who in fact is a harbinger of the end of the world.
Sex with a vampire is really hot. Duh.
They have killer parties in underground buildings.
To fall in love with a male vampire, the female human must be thin, pale, and have an open window.
To fall in love with a female vampire, the male human must have a six pack and never wear a shirt. Bonus: Greasy, wavy, hair.
They find infants delicious.
You can roast weenies and marshmellers over a vampyre if you drag his ass
:dead: :puke: :wtf: 
into the sunshine.
If you were fat and lazy before you became a vampire, you’ll suddenly gain martial arts skills when you’re turned into one.
Vampires have the most amazing clothes. When a vampire changes into a bat or turns to dust, the clothes follow suit. (pardon the pun) Their ties are always straight too, despite being unable to use a mirror.
Female vampires always seem to be wearing their nightdresses but you’ll never see a male vampire in his pajamas.
There used to be two basic types of vampire – the corny Hammer Horror Dracula and the scary bald Nosferatu/Salem’s Lot type. But since CGI came along the whole thing has really opened up.
It’s strange that no vampire has ever thought of fitting his coffin with a car alarm so that when the Van Helsings and Harkers of this world come a staking, he’ll wake up the moment they open the lid.
Have any vampires ever had chugging competitions using hemophiliacs?
these are some factoids i just made up:
-you can trick a vampire by wearing a fake neck.
-vampires are made of crisco.
-if a vampire is flying backwards you can see him in a mirror.
-vampires who are more than 1,000 years old smell like old man balls.
-it was actually vampire blood that they dumped on carrie at the prom even though they wanted us to believe it came from a pig.
-you can knock out a vampire with a tennis racket.
-vampire suits are fire proof but cannot repel wood.
-my next door neighbor is a vampire.
-vampires cannot sing or dance but they can “put on the ritz”
-if you hit a vampire in the groin with a steel pipe and everything you’ve got they just look at you.
-they tend to get blood smeared all over their faces like little babies eat pablum.
-you always have to see a vampire through the front windshield before he magically appears in the seat beside you. i’m not sure if this is a factoid or not.
-psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them! this is definately a factoid.
[quote comment="633023"]
-vampires who are more than 1,000 years old smell like old man balls.
[/quote]
I really don’t want to know how you would be able to recognize that smell. :puke:
it’s reeeeely hard to get their little legs open
Hey, AnnieB, help us settle this enigma. How do old man balls smell? :kiss: :love: :wang:
[quote comment="632989"]If you were fat and lazy before you became a vampire, you’ll suddenly gain martial arts skills when you’re turned into one.[/quote]
lol!!!! “my undead style is unstoppable!!!”
[quote comment="633020"]Vampires have the most amazing clothes. When a vampire changes into a bat or turns to dust, the clothes follow suit. (pardon the pun) Their ties are always straight too, despite being unable to use a mirror.
Female vampires always seem to be wearing their nightdresses but you’ll never see a male vampire in his pajamas.
There used to be two basic types of vampire – the corny Hammer Horror Dracula and the scary bald Nosferatu/Salem’s Lot type. But since CGI came along the whole thing has really opened up.
It’s strange that no vampire has ever thought of fitting his coffin with a car alarm so that when the Van Helsings and Harkers of this world come a staking, he’ll wake up the moment they open the lid.
Have any vampires ever had chugging competitions using hemophiliacs?[/quote]
too much comic gold here, lung. i would add to your nightgown comment that becoming a vampire gives you a coupon for a free set of DD :boob: :boob:
Vampires are hot no matter what,unless they are played by Jim Carry
[quote comment="633038"]Hey, AnnieB, help us settle this enigma. How do old man balls smell? :kiss: :love: :wang:
[/quote]
I would imagine, just as with a young man’s balls, it would depend on his level of personal hygiene, but if I had to venture a guess, probably about like your breath.
You never learn, do you?
[quote comment="633075"][quote comment="633038"]Hey, AnnieB, help us settle this enigma. How do old man balls smell? :kiss: :love: :wang:
[/quote]
I would imagine, just as with a young man’s balls, it would depend on his level of personal hygiene, but if I had to venture a guess, probably about like your breath.
You never learn, do you?
Touche’ Babe!
