Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Last night, Chris Brogan, Amber Naslund, Lizz and myself were at one of those social media speaker suck-up dinners. We found the following ways to amuse ourselves during an otherwise stiff uneventful dinner party.

1. After they remove the salad plates, hide all flatware, placemats and napkins. Look longingly at the other place settings.
2. After receiving a new place setting, add all of your previous settings to this one or, as we did, give them all to one person and let them determine which of nine forks to use. When we did this, our waiter’s head literally did a loop like in a cartoon.
3. Change the names of the menu items very slightly. If waitstaff hear only a few recognizable syllables, they will generally bring you the correct item. We ordered the Creepy Sea Bass and Scared NY Strip. And for dessert? The Creme Brutale.
4. Ask for ketchup no matter what you’ve ordered. Especially in an upscale restaurant.
5. Find a way to use up all the ketchup and order more.

What ways can you think of to perplex waitstaff?

Anderson Cooper and Tommy Smothers

Just sayin’.

Everyone has that drunk friend. You know the one. Great person until alcohol has been imbibed. And everyone has a different reaction to alcohol. I’m Irish. I hate to stereotype my ancestors, but goddamn can we put it away! I never believed I could drink a lot until I started noticing that all my friends would hit the floor when I was just feeling a mild buzz.

I don’t slur when I’m drunk. I don’t stagger, nor do I drunk dial, drunk text or make statements I need to apologize for the next day. But there’s one thing that happens to me that gives my friends no end of amusement. I lose all sense of direction. Jesus could point me directly to the stairway to heaven and I’d end up in Satan’s executive washroom. It’s that bad.

So how about you? What do you do when heavily intoxicated?