Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Have you ever tried to fasten your seatbelt and realized you were in an ordinary chair?

1. All police chiefs are balding, pudgy, African-American mustachioed men, 50 years-old with hair-trigger tempers.
2. Police Chiefs are magical creatures that can only be summoned into one of three sacred shrines: a detective’s office, behind the interrogation glass and the office water cooler. They have not homes, nor spouses nor lives outside of the force. Appease them with offerings of stale donuts and old coffee.
3. Police Chiefs don a mandatory wardrobe consisting of black trousers and a white, striped dress shirt with one silver pen in the pocket and a black necktie. There are no exceptions to this rule.
4. Police Chiefs have the power to suspend detectives and cops without Internal Affairs inquiries or union interference.
5. A Police Chief will always suspect a detective of using violence without bothering to investigate the source of the complaint or taking past performance into account.
6. Police Chief communication is similar to that of the Howler Monkey: loud, ceaseless and audible from 10 kilometers away.
7. Police Chiefs are notorious for spilling scalding hot coffee on themselves, however they suffer no burns or ill effects later on.
8. Police Chiefs are a gullible lot, easily fooled by puckish detectives who are able to scam them with the most clichéd of tactics.
9. Police Chiefs, as harbingers of death, frequently purchase birthday cakes for detectives. However, the wise detective will shun these baked goods, for once the first bite is taken, that detective will receive a phone call with news that someone close has died.
10. Police Chiefs will invariably have the oldest and messiest desks in the station.
11. Police Chiefs frequently carry hypertension pills for their bum ticker.
12. In addition to the aforementioned coffee and donuts, Police Chiefs subsist on a strict diet of items purchased from an aging vending machine. Like scavengers, they will occasionally pilfer cold pizza from a desk or a jar of olives from the station refrigerator.
13. A Police Chief will frequently complain his doctor is “getting on my case about my diet,” however, since Chiefs never leave their desks, the possibility of a Police Chief even knowing a doctor is quite slim.

What have you learned about Police Chiefs?

1. The person(s) responsible for the musical selections playing ambiently in malls
2. Indecisive lane-riders
3. People who buy 398 items, freak out at the total, then force the cashier to remove each item one at a time until they can afford it
4. Ann Coulter (always)
5. Those who doubt the awesomeness of Kenny Powers
6. People who cannot stop talking about American Idol
7. Neighbors who mow the lawn at 4AM
8. Hacks who blame their bad behavior on their “artistic temperament”
9. Men who wear sweat pants with sport coats to restaurants. Just stop it.
10. People who read me their poetry when I didn’t ask

Who do you dislike this week?

Girl 1: “I said ‘Ew!’ Like ‘Oh!’ with an accent.”
Girl 2: “Oh.”
Girl 1: “Yeah, but ‘ew’.”
[slight pause as they look at boy on street]
Girl 1: “So I lost my panties at Jane’s but I bought some new ones. So it’s OK.”
Girl 2: “You did?”
Girl 1: “OK, so super cute. Yellow with blue. Like string bikinis. But…”
Girl 1: “Oh fuck, I left those at Jane’s too.”
Girl 2: “Aw.”
Girl 1: “Yeah.”
Both: “Ew!”

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