Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Have you ever talked to someone whose gender you could not identify, even after a lengthy conversation?

Also known as “Why I hate 4AM”

1. Paperboy: Over-developed left shoulder, crooked spine, ink-stained fingers, anxiety from waking up at 4AM to deliver papers
2. Tropical Fish Store Clerk: Over-developed shoulders from carrying water buckets, wrinkled fingertips, permanently soaked Adidas, anxiety from staying up till 4AM checking pH levels of marine tanks
3. Waiter: Over-developed left shoulder and strong wrists (from carrying trays), sore feet, grimace from holding back laughter when Midwesterners mispronounced common European dishes, anxiety from staying up till 4AM with side-work
4. Punk Band Roadie: Ability to yell “Check, two, two” into mics at earsplitting levels, smokey hair, inhuman Guinness consumption, lungs caked with AquaNet, Djarum fixation, scalp burns from Clorox + Manic Panic home hair job, tolerance for occasional electrocution-by-beer-spill, anxiety from staying up till 4AM packing sticker-encrusted Anvil cases
5. Industrial Band Keyboardist: See Punk Band Roadie, multiply X2, anxiety from waiting till 4AM to get paid by bar owner
6. Cemetery Notary: Rigid posture, moderated voice level, anxiety from waking up at 4AM from Hellish nightmares
7. Illustrator: Arthritic right hand, perma-hunch from drafting table, caffeine addiction, anxiety from staying up till 4AM re-working comps
8. Sr. Information Architect: Hatred of small type, perma-squint, claw-like hand frozen in the shape of an Apple mouse, anxiety from staying up till 4AM correcting wireframes, ability to use words like “findability” with a straight face
9. Social Media Director: Hatred of press releases, psychic ability to find WiFi hotspots, anxiety from staying up till 4AM reading Twitter feeds and defriending Facebook peeps

I was all excited to have this multigrain bread till I realized it was 3″ wider than the toaster slots. Epic fail.

Do you have a friend like this?