“So Ma’am, was this before or after you made out with the Oompa Loompa?”
Archive for January, 2009
Bye-bye, sumbitch
Bush leaves the Oval Office today and in completely unrelated news, a feces-throwing monkey is on the loose.
I shit you not
I travel for work a lot and my kittens have not been too happy about it. Last night, I figured I would make it up to them. I gave them catnip, brushed them, played with them for nearly two hours and told them they could sleep on the bed with me. The older one (Z) was clearly happy with this arrangement. Ninja, however, was wound up and hyperactive.
All night he ran around, knocking over anything that wasn’t nailed down. So I locked him out of my bedroom. For the entire night. He wasn’t too happy about that. You should know that the litter boxes are kept in the Florida room, and the only access to that room is through my now-locked bedroom.
You should also know, like many kittens, Ninja enjoys unrolling toilet paper. So after a night of being a terror, it was no surprise to see the current (entire) roll on the floor. An eagle’s aerie lined with double-ply absorbency. My other kitten Z, began sniffing at the nest cautiously. I lifted up some of the toilet paper and found Ninja had pooped on the toilet paper and “buried it” with more toilet paper. Such a smart little boy.
Things I Learned from Movies, Ninjas
- Modern Ninjas are generally six foot-tall white or Asian males, unmarried, who live on islands working as bodyguards for evil, French billionaires.
- Guard dogs cannot kill or overpower Ninjas, no matter how large or well-trained.
- Ninjas are not only silent — they’re mute from birth. They moonlight as mimes.
- Orphaned, white teenagers invariably become better at Ninjitsu than the 80 year-old Japanese masters who taught them.
- Ninja clans can hold grudges longer than the Middle East.
- Ninjas frequently hold practice sessions in abandoned New York warehouses that somehow still have electricity, but no rat or roach problems.
- Ninjas inevitably meet their end fighting in death matches held by their evil, French billionaire bosses.
- Despite their secrecy, Ninjas are actually quite easy to encounter or hire.
- When it comes to the discriminating, evil French billionaire, an army of Ninjas is the preferred weapon of choice over nuclear weapons, computer viruses, bio-terrorism or rabid Yorkies.
What have you learned about Ninjas?