Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Which celebrity do your family and friends say you most resemble?

1. Every sports movie will have an ‘80s sound track, no matter what decade it was produced in. The raspy singer will over-stretch his limited vocal range on the chorus causing the local bat population to go into estrus. The keyboards will feature default Casio sounds that are barely audible under the wailing guitar pyrotechnics.
2. A down-and-out, last-place team can always be rallied into first place in one season by the simple addition of one player with a winning attitude.
3. The local last place team will have facilities worse than those in most federal penitentiaries.
4. A has-been great player can always be called out of retirement for one last big game—the one he he was born to win.
5. Only one player on the team will have a girlfriend or wife, and she will be way hotter than he deserves.
6. The team’s owner will be a Texan (or at least dress like one), with a Playboy Bunny wife who has slept with the entire team unbeknownst to him.
7. The local sports writer will always “have it in” for one of the players and will use all manner of unethical tactics just to get a scoop or ruin the big game.
8. One player on every team speaks no English whatsoever and becomes the butt of jokes. If the player is Eastern European in origin, s/he will also be freakishly large and have a carrot-sized mono-brow.
9. If the team is high school or college level, there will always be a hot girl who dates the quarterback of the opposing team. She will fall for the worst player on the local losing team and help that team win at the expense of her own school, friends, teammates, family, etc.
10. The local losing team will play the evil opposing team every week. There will be only two other teams in the league and they will be soundly defeated in a three-minute clip backed by a rousing ‘80s rock soundtrack.
11. When the local losing team needs to raise money, they will somehow convince a dozen bikini models to work a car wash. Owing to the vast number of wealthy perverts driving dusty BMWs, the car wash will raise $60,0000 in one Saturday. The car wash scene will be the second longest scene in the entire film.
12. The Big Game is the most important scene in a Sports Movie. Big Games are able to change the very fabric of space/time allowing players to make leaps that would stun a gazelle, slow-motion throws and Herculean acts of strength. Members of the opposing team will be so devastated that many will leave the field on stretchers.

What have you learned from Sports Movies?

I once ran a background check on myself. Hey, I don’t always know where I’ve been. Most of it was fairly straightforward (previous addresses, phone numbers, tax records, etc.) but a few things arose that totally threw me. How did they know these things?

For instance, they knew…

1. …that I roll the toilet paper over, not under.
2. …that I prefer boxers to briefs.
3. …that I had favorited the History Channel, but never actually watched it.
4. …that I know how to pick up an ice cube using only a piece of string and some salt.
5. …that I know how to say “Dammit” in ten languages.
6. …that I leave the water running when I brush my teeth.
7. …that I never eat leftovers.
8. …that I think ferrets are stinky pets.
9. …that I still haven’t read Catcher in the Rye.
10. …that I know where Waldo is.

What would we find in your background check?

If you could have a soundtrack play whenever you entered a room, what would it be?