Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Thank you for trying to add me as a friend because you:

• read my blog
• saw me speak at your conference
• want me to fix your computer
• want me to link to your blog so you’ll be “popular, real fast”
• are stalking my girlfriend

I’d love to reciprocate, however I have a few prerequisites, so bear with me.
I will probably NOT add you if…

• …your profile photo is a shitty pencil drawing of yourself that you did one weekend on the beach when you were drunk and “artistically inspired” but actually looks like you are an epileptic Yeti with no feet
• …you only have one friend and it’s Ann Coulter
• …you’ve slept with Ann Coulter
• …you’ve sold your soul to Ann Coulter
• …you are Ann Coulter
• …I see an ad for you, saying you are a fan of yourself
• …you are a 93rd Level Cleric-Elf-Mage
• …you are a thinly-disguised product pretending to be a hot, college girl
• …your GPA has the same score as your blood-alcohol level: 1.9
• …you list monster truck pulls and hog-calling as interests
• …you’re my evil twin
• …this is your dog’s Facebook page. Srsly?
• …you’re being ironic by having a Facebook profile. Well aren’t you fucking clever?

1. A copy of The Rules
2. Golden Girls Season 1 DVD set
3. Febreze Noticeables
4. Frilly drapes
5. My Little Pony Crystal Rainbow Castle Playset
6. Pink hand tools
7. A coupon for Enzyte
8. A Utilikilt
9. Season tickets to the Detroit Lions (still 0-14, ouch!)
10. What gifts would you avoid?

1. The Good Wife’s Guide
2. A weight scale
3. The phone numbers of every stripper you’ve ever met
4. A porcupine
5. Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride Manual
6. A mustard sandwich
7. An extension cord, used
8. A box of rust
9. An ultimatum
10. What gifts would you shy away from giving?