Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

As has been the custom on this site since 1994, I am posting my New Years Resolutions. I try to make mine easily attainable so I don’t get down on myself midway through the year.

1. I resolve not to accept a Sloppy Joe from a Maori Cannibal
2. I resolve not to incite our distant cousins—the Langurs—into an all-out revolt against their human overlords
3. I resolve not to invent a beer called Stupid Douchebags Enjoying Time Off With Their Relatives
4. I resolve not to watch any shows starring Howie Mandel, Rachel Ray or Abe Vigoda
5. I resolve not to dress and act like a Drum Major in front of potential clients
6. I resolve not to get a Tay Zonday tattoo
7. I resolve not to dress like my pets
8. I resolve not to grow vestigial limbs on my body
9. I resolve to post more often in 2009 (for reals)
10. What are your New Years Resolutions?

OK, well they;re not direct neighbors. I’m a mile south of them. Every year this couple goes a little overboard with the decorating and packs on the weird—even for Royal Oak. Rather than describe it, I’ve recorded it on my cell phone so you too can share in our private hell.

If for some reason, you cannot view the video on this blog, here is the permalink.

This display will be up until around May or so, when they get ready for Halloween.

Image via David Dunlap

1. All senior citizen couples live on the beach, are both still living and have a Golden Retriever
2. All women laugh and dance in meadows during their periods
3. Overweight people cannot date or go on vacations until they are on a weight loss medication
4. Erectile dysfunction happens to handsome men who suffer no signs of depression over it, in fact, they seem downright happy about it
5. The side effects of drugs are generally worse than the condition they purport to cure or control
6. You can get drugs for conditions you didn’t know required drugs
7. Women frequently discuss tampons while swinging on swingsets, during tea parties or in trendy New York nightclubs
8. Acne medications transform near-lepers into super models
9. Tooth whiteners give you perfectly straight, even teeth with no chips or gaps
10. Whjat have you learned from medical advertisements?