Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. At any harbor, there will be two or more speedboats with keys left in them
2. Anyone who gets in a speedboat knows how to drive one expertly
3. Same thing applies to motorcycles
4. Aliens are attracted to our women and have matching genetics to breed with them
5. All twins are not only identical, but have matching voices and freckles as well
6. No matter how rare or ancient the relic, the world’s leading expert on it happens to teach at the local university
7. All magical talismans have rules that only work on certain astronomical configurations
8. The bad guys—who have spent their lives searching for these evil relics—will not find them until the day of the astronomical alignment.
9. These rare astronomical alignments will not make the news. Only bad guys and the local professor will be aware of them.
10. What have you learned from movies?

If elected, I promise to:

1. Force all road construction to occur during the hours of 3 and 5 AM. By 5:30 AM, all evidence of construction must be hidden
2. Prevent Kevin Costner from making any more turkeys like WaterWorld
3. Illegalize the term ‘maverick’
4. Allow voting from the PS3, N360, X-Box, WII and Twitter
5. Mandatory driving tests once you turn 65. Take that, AARP!
6. Politicians (or CEOs) who make ridiculous comments (like being able to see Russia from an Alaska office) will be forced to take elementary school lessons (televised), which will be then graded by elementary school children
7. John Stewart becomes Secretary of State
8. Kittens everywhere. Violators will be forced to eat Cheez Whiz with every meal. And no, allergies are no excuse. Man up, ya Nancy
9. Zilla Girls!
10. Why else should America vote for me?