Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Image via Brecht

Special Guest Author: Jules OdeNile

1. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
   name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
   located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they
   got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
   Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
   long as necessary.
2. Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
   keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you
   can do it until they hang up.
3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
   reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, you be my friend?”
4. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad
   you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
   problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the
   gout…”
5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get
   out goat blood? How about human blood?”
6. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
7. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come
   on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
8. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up … louder … louder …
9. When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is
   this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
10. How would you annoy them?

1. Airhorn during naptime
2. Get out the laser pointer but don’t turn it on
3. Place a grocery bag on the floor. When she creeps invariably inside it, scoop the bag up rapidly
4. Itching powder in the cat litter
5. Pour catnip on double-sided tape
6. Force them to watch the entire Wings/Penguins game with you, through triple overtime
7. Shopvacs, circular saws and belt sanders indoors
8. How would you annoy a kitten?

To be honest, I’m not sure if she cut her hat open or if it came that way. In any event, her hair was a horrible rat’s nest and I just had to share…