- Order the identical meal as your friend. When the waitress puts them down on the table, give her a dirty look and switch plates, shaking your heads as if you’ve never seen anything so stupid.
- If the restaurant serves those deep-fried Twinkies (or anything similarly artificial), ask if the Twinkies are free-range organic.
- Both order identical stir fries. Complain that yours has fewer grains of rice. You counted.
- Order your grilled cheese medium rare.
- Order your pie “a la commode”.
- Ask the bartender for a dirty martini, “but no raisins in it this time”.
- Leave unusual names with the hostess when there is a wait. Bingo, Stumpy and Xyxygy work well.
- Pretend not to speak English very well. Order only from the beverage menu. When presented with numerous glasses, raise your eyebrows at the server and in perfect English exclaim, “What’s the matter with you? I ordered food. Hello?
- Bring a hot woman with you to an oyster bar. Pretend that neither of you speak English well. Ask if, “she can order the naked.” Have her fiddle with her top. When the waiter get flustered, point a the raw oysters sign and say, “Yes, the naked.”
- How would you drive a waiter/waitress crazy?
Have AnnieB do a pole dance on top of the table.
Then tell the waitress she is underage and you have called the vice squad. 
I usually wear a napkin as a bib in a non-seafood restaurant and then prop Mr. Toast up on the other seat. I then order a Vanilla Buscardo Cafe on the rocks for myself, and a Sangrina (light on the fruit - heavy on the shit) for my little companion. For the entree, I joke that I’d like one waitress to go with nothing on it. After she walks away in disgust and a different waitperson comes over, I chose the crab legs - please leave the genitals in, and for my doughy friend, a hot dog (with no veins this time) and mayo only at one end. When she asks what we would like for dessert, I always ask for a Happy Ending with I scream.
mix up the first half of one menu description with another from another part of the menu: I’d like the haddock, but I’d like it with onion soup and creme brulee on top.
“Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?”
“How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?”
“What’s the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?”
order the salad with Roquefort dressing, complain that they used ‘lesser quality’ blue cheese dressing, insist that you must have the Roquefort must be produced using only milk from the Lacaune ewe,and is processed and cultured “only”with Penicillium roqueforti fungi and left to naturally mature in the Combalou caves in Roquefort village.
My, how you do flatter a girl Flash, but I’m afraid no one in their right mind would fall for the “me being underage” scenario. And is this a magic pole I keep with me in my pocket or do you dine in establishments that are already equipped with one on the table?
Ask which is larger, 1/4 or 1/3 lb. Whichever they answer, argue the opposite.
In a pizza place, when they ask you if you want thin crust or deep dish, ask if you can get half thin, half deep. Also when ordering deep dish, it helps to speak in your best James Earl Jones voice. “I’d like it DEEEEEEEEEEP.”
Exclaim that you are diabetic and you require sugar-free sugar for your coffee.
Insist that your toast be VERY lightly done because you are black toast intolerant.
Make sure to sip your soda and giggle like a schoolgirl and say “The bubbles tickle my nose!” Do this every time you drink.
When ordering, add “if you know what I mean.” to the end of everything you say. “I’ll take the hot and spicy taco….if you know what I mean.”
If you have a young waitperson, give them your order and then tell them to “put legs on it” and watch as the fog of cluelesness creeps across their faces.
Order a country fried steak medium rare. Andre The Giant once ordered an entire menu one item at a time with no tip because a waitress made fun of him.
When the salad comes, complain that it is just a regular salad. When you get that confused look say, “You told me that the meal came with super salad!”
Anybody ever actually worked as waitstaff? hard work, little money , no fun. You guys must want to ensure that someone expectorates on your sandwich. I will admit that I think Dave’s #1 answer sounds hilarious!
Black toast intolerant. That is fucking brilliant.
Yup, was a waiter for five years.
WARNING: All employees are required to wash hands thoroughly before spitting in food.
That’s not a drive…It’s a short putt
Re: Link of the Day: Walking Bike
Turn those shoes around and you have yourself an ass kicking machine instead!!!
Drop your fork over and over, asking for a new one each time. At some point, throw up your hands and say, “Forget it, I’ll use my own,” and pull out a plastick fork.
Tell the waitress you’re on a strict clean diet where you’ll only eat food that’s been prepared by blind hermit monks and you’re not leaving until you get what you want.
Ask them if it’s okay if you change your adult baby right there on the table.
i think lawn of the dead was me walking home from the bar saturday night.
quit watching after first pass with lawnmower so i don’t know what happened next. just like saturday…..
Before the waiter has a chance to speak, say the following:
‘Well hi there. My name’s Dwane and I’ll be your customer for today!’
‘Can you please explain to me why ‘you’ are called a waiter when logically it is ‘I’ who will have to do the waiting.’
‘Do you have any kind of plastic covering that you could put on the seat under my grandfather?’
‘So the auditions are still going badly, eh?’
‘Could you bring us a spittoon while we decide what to order?’
‘Bet you’ll never guess how many ‘waiter-there’s-a-fly-in-my-soup’ jokes I know.’
‘Look, I don’t mean to be a drag but I forgot to take my medication this morning, so could you give me the bluntest knife you have?’
Ah good news, Lung took his funny pill today. Good stuff babe, laughed my… head off!
When it comes to tipping, I’m a get-what-you-got kinda guy…seriously, if they did a decent job, I’ll leave them the usual 3-4 dollars….if they did a great job, I’ll give them 5-7….if they were amazing, I’ll give them 10(yeah, I have done this a few times)……if they were bad, I’ll leave a dollar…………if they were rude, I’ll take the bottle of ketchup, and squirt out enough to cover a 1/3 pound burger, and take a penny a turn it face down in the middle of it……..and if it’s worse than that, I’ll mix in some A1, mustard, salt, and sugar with the ketchup………….and if it was bullshit, you get the idea……….
Order my water well done.