Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

One freak has continually eluded my camera. Three times now. I will persevere. Anyway, here is the breakdown of her attire, and I use that term loosely; she looks rather loose.

1. Bedraggled and pallid, fake, leopard-fur jacket. The type of fabric one would see on the loincloth of a “native” in a B-movie.
2. Shop-worn, straight-leg jeans, so tight you could have hidden a copy of The Economist in her lumpish cameltoe. I must qualify something. Her porcine legs were extremely dense, so the “straight leg” was not so much straight, as it was a polynomial approximation of a Jordan arc.
3. Did I mention the ass of the jeans spelled out “Elvis” and “Country”? She’s a whiz with that BeDazzler®, I can assure you.
4. Suede fuckme boots. Extra fringe. Extra shitty.
5. Cheap, pink lipstick, rouge the exact hue of a Robber Crab, and pumpkin-orange eye shadow, which may in fact be actual smeared pumpkin.
6. Approximately two 8oz. cans of Love’s Baby Soft Mist, drained and leaving puddles as she lumbers past.

Image via Natalie

1. Auto Ignore: Getting too many app requests? Not only will this app ignore all requests from your annoying so-called friends, it will simultaneously remove the app from their profile. Fun!
2. Great FunWall of China: Like FunWall, but with more restrictions. A lot more. It’s really not all that fun, come to think of it. Don’t bother installing it.
3. iHate: Face it. Your friends have shit taste in music and feel compelled to share it with you. Rating system allows you to mark marginally-talented fucking pathetic bands like Nickelback and Styx as the bottom feeders they truly are.
4. What Kind of Complete Asshole Are You?: Are you a complete asshole, or merely a fucktard? See how your friends have rated you, rate them, and post it for the entire world to see! Map feature allows you to post your friend’s profile pic over their home address on Google Maps, regardless of their privacy settings!
5. SuperPerv: Allows Facebook Beacon to publicly display the private purchases your friends make on eBay, Wicked Weasel, GoodVibes or Real Doll.
6. Nice Guys Finish Lunch: See what your friends had for lunch! Like you care!
7. SuperSuckr: Sick of joining Facebook apps the first day, only to find out your friends are 10,000,000,000 points ahead of you? Use SuperSuckr to subtract their points and add them to your profile. Illegal in every civilized nation.
8. Someone is Stalking You!: Three people are stalking you! Find out what they like and wear it in your pictures to drive them insane.
9. RockBook: Some of us are allergic to cats and hate walking dogs. That’s why we have pet rocks—the silent, loyal companion who never dies and never ruins the furniture. Use RockBook to find other rocks with similar interests. You can even stroke, polish or throw other rocks!
10. What Facebook apps would you like to see?

In retrospect it was probably not the best idea to eat Blair’s Death Rain XXX Hot Habanero Chips minutes before a meeting with the executives.