When the holidays come around, we are once again called upon to perform a duty which I feel should be made illegal as soon as possible: entertaining relatives. As that is not likely to happen in my lifetime, it is incumbent upon us to take matters in our own hands. Here are some solutions I dreamt up while sick in bed this week. I plan on implementing each one this season.
John Cakes:
Unlike Johnny Cakes which are in fact, edible and quite good, the John Cake is in fact, a highly toxic urinal cake, decked and trimmed into a festive holiday treat. A light sugar frosting with red and green sprinkles, topped with a nice chocolate. A thin square of laxative will do fine. For added fun, install combination locks on the bathroom doors.
Japanese Mistletoe:
Slightly more difficult to prepare as there is no such thing as Japanese Mistletoe. Simply gather five or six Shuriken (Ninja Throwing Stars) from your desk (best place to keep them) and spray paint them holly green. For a more seasonal touch, apply a light dusting of that fake snow shit that cheap stores and elementary schools like to spray in the corners of their windows. Loop the stars, I mean leaves, together and affix them to a motion sensor. Hang from the ceiling. Each kiss will hurl a half dozen steel stars into the foreheads of your unsuspecting guests.
Fruitcakes:
It is certainly tempting to want to try something with a fruitcake. Resist. No one touches fruitcakes; they simply pass them on to other hated relatives. It is a fact that the original 1,000 or so fruitcakes made in the Middle Ages are the same ones being passed around today. Fruitcakes have the half-life of Uranium 235d.
